Talking to myself

[Adamj]

Yes this is long this is a warning before you start reading if you want I'm sharing myself talking to myself so maybe one day someone will stumble upon this and be like oh shit this sounds like me. I sit here and ponder how I got here. I wonder why I let my brain convince myself that I'm sick and dying from something. I try and embrace the weird sensations I get but I just can't they feel so foreign scary and intense. I get told to not give up and it's funny because I've carried a fortune from a fortune cookie with me since I was 16 that says "never give up" but I do think I've given up. I don't want to be strong anymore so much of my life I had to be the strong person for everyone around me especially my mother. I'm not strong anymore I'm hurting I'm stressed I'm anxious I'm whatever I'm dealing with over the last couple months. I've helped countless people been strong for countless people but no ones here for me they say they're here for me but they don't know what to do or say anymore. I don't know why my body is overreacting like this or why I'm so sensitive to everything going on inside of myself. It's so frustrating which I know a lot of you know from my countless posts. Tonight is the first night I've been on my PC for 2 months almost exactly two months. I mostly just sit/lay around all day because of how crappy I feel and then I just shut my eyes and hope I fall asleep which sometimes I do but I'm still thinking the whole time even though I can tell I'm asleep. I've been on and off this sight for 6 years when I first went through panic attacks and bad anxiety couldn't even leave my house then. But now it just feels all different and I cant get my head around why it feels all different. I'm so obsessed with how I'm feeling and so stress with my mom having cancer financial issues not being able to work. I keep going back to when this first all started back in march after I left my job because they transferred me to somewhere I didn't like but I didn't even give it a chance because I had people telling me to just quit then went for an interview a couple days later I was feeling stressed and anxious and then bam have what they tell me is a panic attack which I never felt a panic attack like that I felt my whole body go tingly when I was sitting there felt weird like I was gonna pass out or something got tunnel vision heart started racing I stood up and started pacing had them call an ambulance really felt like something was about to happen to me. It's definitely not adrenaline I know what that adrenaline feels like this is not adrenaline I watched the F1 final race last year that was adrenaline the racing shooting thrill of driving on the highway when there's highway is adrenaline this is not adrenaline. Have had blood work countless ekgs other heart tests brain/spine scans and everything came back fine. I should add I also had covid back in February and I was doing fine with it until I found out that I had it then started freaking out thinking I was gonna die but I didn't. But ever since I had covid my life has been hell and weird. I'm really convinced that my brain cannot have any time to think and this is why it's doing this to me and it's just running with the fear. I had a couple good times since this all started that I thought I was going to get better and working on myself then bam something happened. No one can answer why it feels so different for me. And I guess that's one of the most frustrating parts for me. I don't want to go any further I'm tired of suffering tired of being in pain tired of every sensation feeling 100x worse. I use to be fine with random dizziness or lightheadedness and now all of a sudden my body is like no it's something bad. Like I use to stand up before and get dizzy or something epically if I stood up fast but now it freaks me out. I've went through and read my first posts from when I was 16 and found some similarities but it just feels so much more intense now especially with whatever my brain is doing with the whole depersonalization and the jumping thoughts the noticing every sensation the obsession of the sensations. So Adam either you do have a life threatening illness that the doctors haven't found yet and you'll be able to tell them you told them so or you're going to be okay and they can be like we told you it was just mental illness and I'm really hoping it's just mental illness and that I can bring myself out of this. I try and remind myself that these sensations have not killed me yet so why would they. Everyone tells me "you will know when its your heart you will know when it's cancer" but right now am I supposed to just ignore the feelings that something is wrong. My major goal right now is to get myself on a schedule somehow tired of this sleeping weird times tired of sleeping my life away and being tired. Maybe one day I can be a success story once again with mental illness. I do thank you all for the support you try to give me while my brain is so irrational and ridden with fear. Yes I am in therapy. Yes I'm in constant contact with my doctors. Therapy is okay not really getting relief from therapy like I use to which is frustrating to me.

[Nanii]

Hi, I haven't been on this site for a while. I'm not really talkative right now, more in a state of "listening". So just letting you know I "listened" to your long story. Hope you'll find ways to feel better soon.

[Adamj in reply to Nanii]

Thank you!

[Nanii in reply to Adamj]

Maybe doing exercizes woukd help you? It helps me. I've experienced I've been able to make my body a bit stronger by doing regular exercizes. I also don't have much energy, so I sometimes (quite often actually, or as a base rule) do 1 exercize. Not 2 hours training at the gym. Just one exercize at home. If I feel like it, maybe 2 or 3. At least 1 every few days. But striving to do that 1 exercize better every time. Like this, for example, I've been able to learn do push-ups from 0. Maybe something low key like that could help you feel less lethargic and over time feel a bit more confident about yourself.

[Nanii in reply to Nanii]

So to relate this better, sometimes I'm in a state of barely lifting a finger all day, but I push myself to that 1 exercize, after that I'm done. I did at least that exercize and I did it better than last time. And than continue barely lifting a finger. It's so small. But all those small steps on those peeeep-days counted. I'm more stronger and healtier now. It learns me to push forward in difficult situations and like that has been a mind training as much as a body training. Maybe even more mind training. But with physical noticable effects, which give positive feedback to myself even in weak mind states. The body, the strength, the posture, they all speak for themselves. Hey right.. I can do something-feeling.

[b1b1b1]

Adam - I read your post. On the one hand you do have some REAL problems which you have not emphasized before, or I have not focused on. These are your Mother's illness and financial problems due to quitting your job. These are not minor problems. They are fundamental problems and it is possible they are responsible for some of your severe anxiety.

Do you think you would find any solace in church? Another suggestion is whether you have considered in patient care. Also, I don't know what type of work you did, but is it possible that you could get a low level (ie. non stressful) part time job. For example could you walk one or two dogs every day, or work part time in a deli or restaurant--jobs that don't take much mental energy for just a couple of hours a day. x