Hi everybody

[MetallicGradient]

Hi, just joined the site.

Honestly, I do not know well this place's dynamics so I will use this first post as an introduction.

I am a 28 years old male that has been living with depression and anxiety for what would be now 10 or so years and, perhaps, because of this has not been able to do much, if anything at all, with his life.

At school I was never of the popular kind, nor wanted to be. I had "friends" but, to be fair it felt more like I was just with them to make the time at school less boring. The people around me consider me very intelligent, although I would say I am just above average if anything. It is possible that, since I tend to try to find a logical and sometimes even mechanical explanation to everything and often share that reasoning, it may give an illusion of superior intelligence when it could just be a product of unorthodox thinking (see? I did it again).

Many times I have had issues understanding and relating with people and why they do what they do. With the years, I got better at the understanding part, but even now I have serious issues forming relationships with others. This lack of understanding, which often left me feeling quite lost, may have contributed to the growth of the anxiety that still plagues me to this day.

I am also not that big on feelings and to be honest, the bodily sensations felt are very unpleasant to me. I would imagine that, since I don't like the sensations, combined with my almost pathological need to rationalise and understand everything, I have been slowly but surely detaching some emotions from the activities that produce them. Unfortunately, since I do seem to have a bias towards negativity, I seem to have mostly done it to positive emotions and activities, leaving only the more resilient ones (the negative ones). This has created a continued state on anhedonia in which no matter what I do or accomplish, it does not produce much, if anything, in me.

TL;DR I am a guy that feels very little in regards to positive emotions, hyper-rationalises most things, gets anxious when doesn't understand well enough something and, partly because of all of the above, is stuck, living with his relatives, and doing nothing with his life.

[Hidden]

You might like to meditate in which case try guided meditation on YouTube just google. That way you are safe to observe your thoughts and let them pass while you concentrate on your breathing. But not forced breathing gently breathing. This helps you focus on tasks and calms you

[MetallicGradient in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for the prompt reply. Do you have any recommendations in regards to meditation? Would general guided meditation work or would it be better for it to be of an specific topic?

[Agora1 in reply to MetallicGradient]

Hi MetallicGradient I meditate daily *3x a day, while doing my breathing exercises

I started many years ago with Relaxation/Breathing meditations. Then started adding

in Affirmations, Self-Hypnosis, Mindfulness and even at times Pain Relief. What makes

it work is daily effort since it takes about 30 days for the mind to grasp the new concept

you're feeding it.

I wish you well and want to Welcome you to this amazing safe forum. xx

[MetallicGradient in reply to Agora1]

I see. Thanks for the warm welcome and advice. I'll incorporate some meditation to my daily routine then.

[Agora1 in reply to MetallicGradient]

A head's up MetallicGradient...in that YouTube is my "go to" xx

[Hidden]

Relationship are tough one you have to cope with their emotions and your own Best to share and grow and learn together. Help each other. Find good people to do this with. Be careful

[bethelbee]

Hi and welcome to the site!! Hope you find it helpful! I was going to say feel free to tell us about yourself but you seemed to have done a good job of that already. I am 66 and have been dealing with depression and anxiety for my whole adult life. Many of us have been dealing with it for a long time. Do you have a therapist or counselor or someone you can talk to? Again, welcome and feel free to ask anything.

[MetallicGradient in reply to bethelbee]

Hi, thanks for the welcome. So far it has been a rather interesting experience. Particularly because I seldom write about myself at all. At the moment I do not have a therapist or anyone to talk to privately beyond family members (and frankly, explaining my situation to them is rather difficult whenever the topic comes up). The country I live in does not make finding this kind of help any easier either, but for now I am doing some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with the help of a workbook, incorporating meditation and mindfulness to my routine, trying to take a little bit more sunlight, do more exercise and trying to regularise my eating and sleeping schedule... one step at a time.

[Agora1 in reply to MetallicGradient]

You are doing good my friend. Taking the necessary steps forwardin time will bring you success. xx

[bethelbee in reply to MetallicGradient]

Sounds like you're taking some good steps on your own. No matter where we are it is difficult finding someone to really talk to, especially family(I can relate to that one!) I clicked on your avatar and saw you are in Venezuela. Is it difficult finding mental health services there? I'm in the states and have been lucky to have good services. Please keep us posted how you're doing and/or if you just want to chat. Take care!!

[MetallicGradient in reply to bethelbee]

It is indeed hard to find mental health services where I live as most good professionals are either too expensive for me right now, or have simply left the country. I went to see a psychologist here for a couple of months. I couldn't continue the sessions but I cannot say they were very effective either. It felt more like a chatting session that sometimes ended with me getting an assignment for the next session.

The thing is, the assignments felt somewhat pointless as, with the exception of the first assignment, we did not discuss anything about the exercise on the session the assignment was due on. I understood why the assignment, but there was no follow up by the therapist after I was told to do it.

There was even a time in which we spent half of the session discussing the viability of crypto-farming in the country and the other half on whether humans have instincts or not. That is supposed to be one of the best therapist here, I don't know any others and a psychiatrist and, by extension, pills are too expensive. I'll just have to do with what I have for now.

[bethelbee in reply to MetallicGradient]

Sorry to hear about the lack of decent mental health services there. Your therapy sessions didn't sound very therapeutic. As much as I like my therapist, sometimes sessions are productive, sometimes not; not blaming her. Sometimes it's my mood. Do you have health insurance to cover at least part of it or to cover part of medication if you were to go that route. I know meds can be expensive. I don't take them anymore since over the years since I became treatment resistant to them. Any telehealth services available to you?

[MetallicGradient in reply to bethelbee]

No, I don't have insurance. Here is not that common to have it either, unless you are old and, even then, not many can afford it. Let us say healthcare is pretty deficient around here but, it is what it is. No use crying over spilt milk, right? I'll use the tools I have available and hope for the best. Along the way, if I find more things I can do, I'll see if and how to incorporate them. After all, there is no much choice in the matter...

[bethelbee in reply to MetallicGradient]

Had no idea what the insurance situation was like down there . Glad you have tools to work with. You seem to be pretty resourceful though!!

[fauxartist]

I'd say you would make a good Vulcan... but do you think this detachment may be a defense mechanism in a way to keep a sort of intellectual bubble of impenetrability, if you will. It's your suit of armor to not have to get engaged with emotions, which can hurt. Social anxiety can often manifest itself in some interesting ways, and being unapproachable is one for sure. While I admire your pursuit of knowledge and understanding, it can also be very defeatist in the sense that it really is an unobtainable goal. Sometimes a rock is just a rock.

[MetallicGradient in reply to fauxartist]

It is plausible that hyper-rationality is a response to a fear of the "unknown". To support this idea, I could hypothesise that, since emotions in themselves cause sensations that are hard to describe, I default to try to rationalise them so I can allay the fear the unexplained experience causes me (rather ironic that my primary response to emotion is, well, emotional).

Slowly but surely I have being coming to the realisation that many things are practically "brute facts". There may be an explanation as to why, but there are so many missing variables that is virtually impossible to reliably figure that "why". The best we can do for the moment is just take the thing as we think it is and, I must admit, I often have issues with doing this.

I guess I have taken the route of the "knowledge seeker" as a way of "covering my bases". Funnily, that is what many people do with religion, particularly organised one.