Hi there, so I've realized how many things I keep inside of me, dealing with them alone and getting my anxiety worst.
The main reason of this is because I'm afraid of being honest and hurting people's feelings in the process, like if I share how I feel about something then people will get mad at me or things will go bad for me... And by people I mean close friends, I don't usually think about what other people think about me but I care about what people I love think about me and I don't want to hurt them
If I share how I feel about everything and I'm as honest as I can in my life (because sometimes I feel like I would be happier if I do this) how can I know what's right to say or what things can make people angry or smthing, how can I know if I've said something wrong?
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Lixus
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I feel the same way . You have a right to say how you feel without being afraid to offend or hurt someone if you don’t say how you feel your emotions bottle up and it’s not good for your mental well-being . Much kindness and support
I get what you mean. I feel like some of my friends genuinely want to hear how I am doing, but they leave it as letting me vent and they don't seem to know what to do next. I have struggled all through 2020 with "what do I need to feel supported" during all this since I live alone and work from home and stay in almost all the time. And it came down to, "I need people to initiate the reaching out." Like, I was always the party planner, initiator, whatever when we could all get together. And it's emotional labor and it's exhausting. And we're all exhausted after everything but still I am the one who has to reach out and ask for someone to care. An unsolicited text or card or whatever means so much and it's hard to ask for unsolicited caring, you know?But definitely, to address your question directly (sorry, contextualizing ramble!) I would say honesty is better and if you're not sure if you're saying it "right" or in a hurtful way, give a lot of positive caveats first. Like, say your friend makes you feel small sometimes? So you want to say please stop. So you would say something like "our friendship means a lot and I know in my heart you would not want to be hurting me on purpose, but when you say X it makes me feel small and worthless" whatever is true for you. People tend to respond better if they don't feel attacked or accused, but if it is their behavior you are addressing, it helps to give them the benefit of the doubt.
And of course if they say "well you are stupid/lazy" whatever awful thing it is, you know you don't need them as a friend. I know right now I am afraid to alienate anyone since I feel so isolated but I would rather be alone than sitting in a vat of poison just to have someone to discuss a movie with. HUGS to you.
You’re welcomed Lixus. Much love n lights to you. 🌈🌻🙏
I believe many people have a huge problem dealing with this issue. I believe it is highly important to be honest with self and to be extra happy, u will have to make sure those around you are cognizant of what makes you happy bcz they have to know how to make you happy. If u hide it, they can't make u happy. Naturally the truth hurts but it frees anyone living it. I do not know what you are referring to here but I have come to know that I will one way or the other hurts another being when I am honest but later they do that which makes me happy instead of me pretending all the time that I'm happy with what they are doing. I hope you become free.
thanks for your message, I just feel sometimes that I want to be honest abour some stuff and I keep them for myself, suffering alone because I don't want to hurt people so I end up suffering because of things I don't even know if they will hurt people or not if I share them, like worries, compulsions and that kinda stuff
I'm also exactly like that. I must admit it is hard especially of u don't want to hurt em. I think u should check out for those you can terate but the ones that u can't tolerate, like those that can hurt u, do try to let em know bcz u also deserve to be happy and live for yourself
I'd say people who care about you won't be hurt if you share your own fears and vulnerabilities. They may feel helpless to address them, but they hopefully are glad to know you trust them enough to share and then also it's YOUR fear/compulsion, it's nothing to do with them.
It's easy to get trapped in the box of worrying about what other people think, but we can't always predict it. Everyone is struggling right now, so I hope most people remember that and are tender with each other. I struggle to remember, too! Hugs again!
Well the short answer is you can't know if you offend someone unless they tell you. Literally you just can't. That isn't the point though. The issue here is one of trust. Can you trust that your friends love and care for you and want to support you. Minor spats will happen, and misunderstandings too but so long as you are willing to speak openly and honestly things will work themselves out. Most of the time if there is a miscommunication then addressing that will resolve the conflict. Then no one is hurt. But the important thing to note is if you are hurt or others are hurt then you need to talk about those feelings. It doesn't matter if you feel the other person will be hurt because by holding back you create resentment which hurts everyone in the long run. Think of it this way. If you are upset at someone and never say, it just makes you agitated and more irritable. So you start lashing out at the other person. They are now upset with you. So they lash out too. You, already being upset, don't realize the mistake you have made and go "how dare they be angry at me I am the wronged party". And now everything is blown way out of proportion when simply saying "I feel hurt because..." would have solved the issue. Conflict is just a part of life. There is no escaping it no matter how much you may want to. It is inevitable. Conflict is just as common as small talk. Whether its a disagreement about what restaurant to eat at or what soda to buy it happens all the time. And by avoiding it all you end up doing is hurting everyone in the long run.
Now I want to add that this doesn't mean you have to share everything with everyone. If you are going to say some hurtful things just for the sake of it for example then it would be best if you calmed down and didn't do that. But my point is if there is an issue, if you don't feel heard, you feel you have been wronged, you feel like you are being take advantage of, whatever the conflict may be, it's better to talk about it then let it fester. Because as you have pointed out it causes inner turmoil in yourself and effects your relationships. So speak your mind and remember you don't have to mention every single little detail, if you are thinking I want to throw something at this person, it might be best to not say that. But so long as you talk genuinely about the conflict it will be fine.
One tip I can give is if it revolves around hurt you an use I statements. So for example if a friend makes a joke at your expense and it hurts your feelings you can say something like "I feel hurt when you joke about me because..." you can fill in the blank but yeah. You can also google more examples of I statements. Sorry this was so long.
thank you so much, the fact is that sometimes I have obsessive thoughts and compulsions I feel like I need to talk with people involved to make sure everything is ok and I didn't do anything wrong but I end up keeping this worries inside because I feel ashamed of them or because I feel like they will get mad for some reason. One of my biggest worries is to be with people who really don't feel good with me by their side and instead of telling me the issue they will just shut up and pretend everything is ok when it's not. I know it doesn't make any sense because I have very supportive friends around me but I can't stop feelink like this whenever I get anxious
It's more common than you think, the anxiety that is, not people being hiding their feelings. Trust me I understand your fear. My ex did what you are describing and it eventually led to her abusing me mercilessly for over a year. Like I said withholding feelings only makes the issue worse. It only adds to the problem. Now I won't say that you don't have an issue either, being paranoid is not helping. Part of that comes from self confidence and just being okay with yourself. As I said if someone is vulnerable with you then they are probably going to tell you if you messed up or not but those walls in place saying you can't trust that are on your end not theirs. Once you work on your own self love you will find it easier to accept other people. Also, you just have to accept that you can never truly know another's feelings. You have to, at the end of the day, trust they will be honest and use what you know about them to predict if they do like you or are mad at you or whatever the case is. Keep working at it. Small steps every day. You will be okay and you will figure this out.
Hey Lixus, scrolling through these posts I get a sense that you may just be overthinking, possibly even ruminating about "the other party's feelings". So it could be something totally on you and most likely those that care about you would prefer knowing your feelings to not knowing. The trick is to remind yourself of that truth in the moment.For better or worse, at least where my feelings are concerned, I try to keep that conversation focused on my own feelings and a little less on the other person's actions. But even that can be a "guilt club" that you didn't mean to hit the person with so just be gentle and try and ere on the side of grace--which from the nature of your posts looks like an area of strength for you.
Well, my anxiety is caused by obsessive thoughts I can't control so yeah, I'm always overthinking, that's what I meant by my post, sharing my obsessive thoughts and compulsions helps me, but there are some thoughts I've always kept inside, but I'm sharing them too with my friends step by step now, I think is the best for me
No one wants to hurt the people they care about, however, you are hurting you by not saying your peace. You have recognized this is happening and that self awareness is important.
Do you think that having different opinions on something is enough to hurt another person? You don’t have to say they are wrong or bad or make any kind of judgement statement at all.
Start with a “disclaimer”. Something like, “Ok, I am not trying to hurt your feelings but I would like to share a different view.” You can always end it as, “Let’s agree to disagree”.
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Talking too much about anxiety and other issues?
Do i really need a title for this?
I really need someone to talk to!
I really need to vent
