Help?

[Sadmama66]

I am having a super hard time right now, more than ever before and I don't know how to get above this. This pandemic has really destroyed me to the point I really don't want to continue. My son will not get a job, won't help pay bills with his unemployment, yells at me to get a better job (I am self employed and the pandemic has closed my business but I am working without my bonds) . He even told me the other night he wished I would die in my sleep. How can I fight that? Maybe he's right. I have stopped taking my meds and insulin. I cry every night because I cannot handle the stress anymore. Has anyone else felt or feel this way now too?

[Marysblue]

I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. Have you gotten a counselor you can talk to? Please take care of yourself, things will get better. I'm here if I can help you. There's also crisis lines you can call just to talk to someone , they've helped me through some rough times.

[Sadmama66 in reply to Marysblue]

It is really really hard g or me to open up to people. In my life I have always been the one people come to to talk with. I have NEVER had that for myself and I just feel really lost. Thank you for taking the time to answer.

[Marysblue in reply to Sadmama66]

You deserve to have people help you and be there for you. I don't really have a support system now myself but I do talk to a student counselor once a week just to unload all the bad stuff. And posting on here and people giving feedback helps This is such a challenging time, give yourself some credit for holding it together this long. You have been really hit hard by all this. It's really hard for me to do this but we need to have more self-compassion. To treat ourselves as we would a friend who's going through the same thing. There's light at the end of this dark tunnel. Just please take care of your health that is so precious. I hope things ease up soon for you.

[Sadmama66 in reply to Marysblue]

Thank you my friend

[Zhangliqun in reply to Sadmama66]

Looks like you're already opening up a little if you're in here saying these things.

What follows is something I wrote for someone else in here recently. Maybe not all of it will apply to you but if you have quit your meds, I get the feeling I need to get this out to you quickly so no time to edit. Hope it helps:

The original poster I was responding to said (in part): "When I pray I feel so far away from God Because I don’t believe I deserve His help..."

My reply:

You don't. Neither do I. No-one does. But he came in human form to save us anyway. That is Christianity 101.

I have GAD, dysthymia and double depression. There was a time in 1994 when I was seriously considering getting a gun and eating it. Nights were particularly nightmarish -- but of the waking variety. Each time I would be about to drift off, a shot of adrenaline would wake me up. This would go on over and over through the night til the sheets were soaked with sweat. Though I have not had any serious thoughts about suicide since then, I still don't have all the answers, I haven't solved all my mental health problems. But I do know that folks like us need to zero in on pleasant thoughts and memories. Not because they have any magical power in and of themselves but because they put you in touch with your Maker who is the Author of all good things.

In order for anything to be truly good, it has to be somehow anchored in eternity, which is to say God. Or put another way, all good things point to God. Only if there is a God who created humanity are we worth anything more than the value of the chemicals of which we are composed. Otherwise, everything anyone does is just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

Thus remembering pleasant things, even silly things (sometimes the sillier the better), will bring you to that Sun you are looking for. To give a few examples for me, I will look online at pictures of fall foliage. Or videos of kittens and baby bunnies. Or remember a restaurant that my mother would take me to when I was very little for breakfast. Or after one of those bad nights described above, I would sometimes go to a hardware store and walk around and look at all the parts and tools and supplies. For me a hardware store has such a constructive atmosphere because all around you are all these possibilities for fixing, improving, or even creating things. Puts me in a very different frame of mind. These are just things that seem to work for me. The thoughts and memories that work for you will likely be different, but hopefully you get the idea. It will be very difficult to do at first, like bench pressing a supertanker off your chest. You will be tempted to quit. Do not. You will gain strength and get steadily better at it.

Another reason to focus on these things is that while you are thinking about them, your mind is free from the horrible thoughts and feelings your current mental state imposes on you. It's important to note that bad thoughts will wear a negative biochemical rut in your brain that will get deeper and harder to get out of, eventually putting you in a tailspin that will be fatal if you don't stop. Good thoughts will not only give that rut a chance to heal and get filled in, they will wear a GOOD biochemical rut in your brain that there is obviously no need to get out of. In other words, you will not just stay the same -- you will either get better or worse. Giving in to the negative thought patterns may seem like the answer but it's like someone freezing giving into the desire to go to sleep. You will die.

Finally, find someone who needs YOUR help. Maybe someone in here. You are going through all this in part so that you can be a blessing from God to someone just like you. If you don't decide to fight and win, someone else waiting for your help may die. Maybe several people or many more than that as those you help will in turn help others.

Your pain and sorrow have a holy purpose -- once you see that, the difficult moments become steadily less difficult, because the idea that they are telling you the truth about a cold, cruel and meaningless universe gets revealed for the lie that it is. It starts to evaporate like morning fog and the Face of Hope with its crown of thorns slowly starts to appear.

[Sadmama66 in reply to Zhangliqun]

Wow! How very profound and deep. Thank you for your words of wisdom. It's taking that first step away from the cliff that's the hardest. I am trying and being here really does help. It is comforting to know I am not the only one who feels so defeated at times. Thank you again

[Sadmama66]

Trust me I have and have even threatened to start eviction process on him if he doesn't get a full time job by December 31. He says he's making money "investing" and does not do too bad but he never takes money out and only keeps investing with unemployment check then loses it. Bills keep piling up. Our electric bill right now is over $600, water bill is 200 etc. My daughter in law makes good money at her job but instead of helping out she wants to go to the casino or spend the money on herself. I also want her evicted too

[hurtingheart1]

Oh noooo!!! I’m soo sorry that’s really rough!!💞💞I’m sure it’s his pain frustration and not thinking clearly at all that’s talking he could not truly mean that!! Please don’t stop taking care of yourself!!

[Sadmama66 in reply to hurtingheart1]

I have always tried to teach my son to think first before you speak because once it's out there you can't take it back and words hurt worse than anything. At 21 you would think he would have learned by now. He has no filter, and no empathy for anyone. I guess I failed him too. 😪

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Sadmama66]

Oh noo don’t say that!!! You know the brain isn’t even note fully developed until about age 26 I read but now I’m thinking it’s even more like 30 and then even then we never stop learning!! The brain is amazing!! Your son can still grow and learn and change for the better!! It’s just such a horribly difficult and confusing time right now for soo many!!! It must be soo painful to hear those things from him I know sometimes it’s soo true those closest to us can hurt us the most sometimes 😣😢I know I’ve had some of the most horrible mean hurtful angry things said to me by family!! Oh and they were well over age 21!!!😱 my heart goes out to you💞💞and I hope you can heal this in your heart soon!! If you dont mind me asking -Do you have type 2 diabetes?

[Sadmama66 in reply to hurtingheart1]

Yes I do. Thank you for what you said. It is very hard to hear something from your own child especially since I raised him by myself since he was 2 without the use of welfare. He doesn't realize the sacrifices I have made for him. I am afraid he doesn't realize I won't be around forever to bail him out when he's in trouble and realizes how hard it is out in the real world.

[13ga in reply to Sadmama66]

hi sadmama;

wowza... you got your share of baggage and then some!

i'd like to 1st offer a little hope for your son... brain development does not fully complete until 24-27 years. and IMHO, i think that empathy is the last to kick in. so fingers X'd that in next 3-5 yrs he'll grow up. but i know right now that sounds like a lifetime - so it probably also best if you try to deal w/ him sooner rather than waiting.... and i know that's a big ask, considering where you're head's at. i don't know your fam situation - but maybe eviction isn't such a bad idea. nothin aids growin up more than a dose of the real world.

as for you... u sure as spit aint alone! i think in addition to the covid pandemic, there's also a pandemic of ill mental health - which actually i think is a good thing, b/c it shines a light on its importance. maybe, just maybe some of those selfish spit-heads in DC will finally put some $ into mental health. but just as sure as the spit in their heads - i wouldnt hold my breath waiting. so that means you gotta advocate for you. good news, you took first step and started a post talking about it! yea for you!

a comment on not wanting to be here. believe me when i say i get you. and i understand wanting that departure to be accelerated.... however - discontinuing your meds, is not the best exit strategy - especially if 1 of those meds is insulin. I say this, because going out in a diabetic coma might sound like a good way - but it's no guarantee. and in the likely event you survive, the new problems you acquire will not be good.

this place is a great place for peer support. keep posting!

have you thought about or tried seeking professional help? there may be meds available to help you. i'm not 1 to advocate drugs first - but sounds like you may be near crisis, and meds (ie: anti-depressant) probably wouldn't hurt. they're worth a try anyway - you can always discontinue them if they don't help.

[Sadmama66 in reply to 13ga]

Actually yes I have on both counts. Meds and therapy. But like I said in my original post, it is really hard for me to open up to people especially people I don't know. I have been bullied, teased, put down, physically, emotionally and sexually abused most all my life. Eventually being where I am now, a white hot mess lol

[13ga in reply to Sadmama66]

ok - glad to hear you've either tried, or are continuing w/ professional help.

i totally understand where you're coming from. i don't think there's anyone that falls within the mental illness spectrum that hasn't dealt with 1 or more of the same things you have.

considering what you just shared - i wouldn't be surprised if white hot mess is a major upgrade from where you started. so pause and give yourself a yea for that! i know white hot mess still sucks - but don't loose site of the progress you've made!

you made it to white hot mess - next stop red hot mess!!! you made it to white - so i know you can make it to red!!

i also know how hard it is to share - my earliest memory was when i learned - don't trust anyone. don't share anything.

i never shared or opened at all. i do it now far more easily than before - which is still very little. but i've learned that sharing and openness are required ingredients to a fulfilling life. and a fulfilling life demands the acceptance of pain, and the occasional violations of trust. in order to balance this equation - trust should be given in small steps, building to greater trust. this helps to minimize the violations and pain, and maximize the fulfillment.

am i fulfilled? F-no. but i now know enough about fulfillment, to know how important it is, and that i want more of it!!! and that's a positive step - knowing what you didn't know before.

keep going - keep growing!

[Sadmama66 in reply to 13ga]

Thank you. It's people like you that really help You are a wise and caring person and again I thank you.

[13ga in reply to Sadmama66]

that's kind of you to say... i'm uplifted knowing that helped... thank you as well; and YW!

[Hidden in reply to Sadmama66]

sadmamama i've been bullied my whole life and i'm 17 now going to be 18 in july

[Sadmama66 in reply to Hidden]

As hard as I try, sometimes it seems impossible. But I have made it this far and I am 54 and so can you. Times today are tough for teens. But remember God loves you will pull you back if you just let Him. If you ever want to talk, I will be here to listen. 😀

[Hidden in reply to Sadmama66]

sadmama thankyou so much. tommorow im going to go get a sleep study done on me and im super scared and nervous

[Sadmama66 in reply to Hidden]

Oh it's no big deal. I have had 4 of them . the original base study and 3 others with different cpap machines. The hardest part for me was sleeping in a strange bed. But I believe now they have it where you can have the testing done at home. Ask about that. You will be great .

[Hidden in reply to Sadmama66]

im back. the bed was weird

[Sadmama66 in reply to Hidden]

That's the hardest part lol

[Sadmama66 in reply to Hidden]

Hey, did you get the results back from your sleep study yet?

[Hidden in reply to Sadmama66]

don't think that. you didn't fail him, he's just making bad chooses

[FearIsALiar]

I agree. If he’s not helping you then kick him out. I’m sure he will learn.

[Hidden]

i will be your friend and help you through it. just believe in yourself and pray to the lord to help you through it. sorry im religous.

[Sadmama66 in reply to Hidden]

Me too

[Hidden in reply to Sadmama66]

i believe in god and he helps me through my rough times