I have bi-polar 2 and anxiety disorder. I'm struggling. I'm grieving. I'm full of anxiety. I feel insecure when my loved one's are out of my sight. I can't stop thinking of death. Every single time my husband leaves for work I think "Stay Safe. Be Careful. Don't get into an accident. Don't get COVID." over and over. It's the same way with everyone I love.
I feel guilty for working as an essential worker, as a caregiver, and being at risk for getting COVID. I follow precautions, wear my mask, wash my hands, use hand sanitizer and get tested regularly. But am I being vigilant enough? What if my husband, sons, daughters or grand children get it? It's these obsessive repetitive thoughts that repeat in mind.
The death of my beloved niece on October 10th has only reinforced these thoughts. I helped raise her and she was like my own child. The pain from her death is greater than any heart break I have ever experienced. Greater than the grief of my parent's passing. It's physical and emotional. My heart actually aches, causing physical pain. I don't know how or when I will ever get past this grief. It's all encompassing and overwhelming. I have the same thought over and over. I'll never see her again. Over and over I think that. It's made more real all the time by coming across things I want to tell her and then I remember all over again.
Everything happened at the same time. My truck threw a rod, my water heater broke, I got a baker's cyst behind my left knee and then my niece passed. I missed three weeks of work. Two weeks for the passing of my niece and then a week later I stayed home another week because my therapist felt I was at risk of having a breakdown.
A co-worker died of COVID last week. Six of my co-workers have tested positive and three clients. One of the clients survived but another is in the hospital. I read the news daily and it's getting so much worse. I live an hour from El Paso, Texas and they are overwhelmed in our city and the overflow from Texas is making our system stressed to the max. My son lives closer to Texas and we weren't able to have Thanksgiving together. His client, (he is caregiver for same company) tested positive. So he's getting tested for COVID. He has a baby at home that isn't 2 yet, a 3 year old and a 9 year old.
My co-worker that passed was the nicest person and struggled so much to overcome so many challenges; a break-up, losing her step-grandchildren she helped raise, homelessness, MS, stroke, cancer diagnosis and then COVID. It didn't seem fair to me. But I suppose no death is fair when you really consider it.
I have my faith and am leaning on it to get through these times. I'm trying to get motivated for the holidays but it's difficult. I burned our turkey. No one complained or mentioned it. Because of hoarding we weren't able to get rolls, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pies or green beans. I had to video call my family members that couldn't make it. I know I sound like a whiner. I'm really a positive upbeat person most of the time. An optimist born and bred.
But I am struggling. I have so many worries and they are piled on top of one another. Too many to mention here. But I know I am not alone. I know other's are hanging on too. We need one another. We need hope. We need patience. We need smiles. We need kindness.
I'll keep praying for our world. I ask that you keep praying too. Maybe put in a good word for me.
robbylynnofnm
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