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Has anyone ever lived with the knowledge they did not love their mother.

texasbonnet profile image
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A friend's mother just died. What my friend did for her as she passed was just beautiful and loving. When I heard what she had done, I felt robbed and then mad. My relationship with my mother was not close, was not comforting and was not loving. I have done therapy on this issue since about 1987. I thought I had totally accepted that I had been robbed but my friend's actions toward her mother has triggered feelings of guilt and regret for how I handled this issue. In my mind, I am hoping that after death my mother was able to understand why she was the way she was and that when we meet after I die I will receive the love and affection I needed as a child and as an adult. I also hope to see myself accepting the love and affection without anger.

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texasbonnet
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Hi - Something frequently bothering me is even though my mom overwhelmingly Loved me, I have a lot of really bad memories due to her emotional illness they said is bipolar and serious alcoholism..

I don't know how to get past these so many bad memories. Every time I think of things I get even more angry and bitter than before. Instead of getting better I'm getting worse. I think she is in Heaven very upset that I think this way, when she did such a truly great job with all our physical needs for 5 kids.

Her father was a wonderful man but did commit suicide. This caused her to have a major nervous breakdown - shock treatments and everything..

Her mom was emotionally inattentive also..

I wish I could forget the things I'm upset about and only think of all the good things she did, like Huge Christmases and endless Gourmet meals..

I'm sorry mom in Heaven.. I don't know right now how to stop remembering every little hurtful thing like I do all the time !!

Oh well, that's the story of my mom...

Chris

👸

texasbonnet profile image
texasbonnet in reply to

Thank you for your feedback and for sharing some of your experiences. I think if my mom could have acknowledge her shortcomings and have treated me as the sweet child I was, I think or at least hope I could have loved her.

Alcoholism is just the worst disease in the world. My X developed it and I have one son who is also affected. He keeps trying and I pray he can achieve sobriety. He had for many years of sobriety but decided to drink again. My X did stop drinking after 22 years of marriage.

I am sorry you had to suffer as a child. A child suffering is so unjust. I hope you can have better days ahead.

Hi texasbonnet

I feel for you! I also have moments like this when situations crop up like the one you describe. Observing how other mother/daughter relationships could be. It's very sad. It's painful when I fully realise how unloving my mother was towards me but it was safer for me to distance myself from her than keep trying to get the love I wanted but could never have. In the end I've sort of accepted it was about my survival to take the stance I did surrounding her own death. I was lucky in that my own family supported me and understood it was the best thing for me. (to want nothing to do with her) However painful I have no regrets. It wasn't safe for me to be that loving daughter I wish I could have been - any attempt made me too vulnerable and I kept getting hurt time and time again.

To be honest even if we meet in heaven (I don't think she'll be there!) I think she'd still have a go at me.

Having said that I often get reminders of what I missed out on, I try not to compare but it's difficult.....my sympathies to you.

texasbonnet profile image
texasbonnet in reply to

Thank you for your validation. It is truly the most hurtful and sad experience ever. I hope you have found ways to nurture yourself. I can do it sometimes, but I really need to work on it.

in reply totexasbonnet

You're welcome, having children has been healing I think.

It is tough though because my daughter-in-law has a very loving relationship with her mother and gran, so I hear constantly in great detail how well they all get on. Oh well

I’m in therapy, not specifically for this topic but it has come up. I know my mom loved me but I have memories of not getting what I needed from her as a child. My therapist suggested that I needed to be a parent to my “inner child”. I know that sounds like a lot of psycho-babble but I read some research about it and it seems to be valid. I think I’m going to have her suggest a book that I can read to help me do what will help me feel better. Maybe it would help you to.

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