Despair

I need to get this off my chest. I don't believe my life is ever going to get any better. I can't hold down a job to save my life, I don't think anyone will even hire me for anything. Even so called simple jobs give me anxiety attacks. I've always been very into music where I know a wide variety of it from what's current now to some stuff from before I was born. The paradox about that is that I will have a tough time trying to concentrate on a job when I'm hearing music over the store loudspeaker. My ears will pick up and I will be like, oh I remember that song by Aretha Franklin, Duran Duran, Poison, Pink, you-name-it, and then suddenly I'm like oh wait, what am I supposed to be doing??? I used to like to sing and I could play some basic stuff on the piano and my acoustic guitar and I'm the annoying person in the car singing along to EVERY song on the radio until you tell me to shut up. But I can't seem to concentrate when there's music playing. Also, I try to be a good employee and I don't goof off and I'm good with customers but I'm too slow sometimes and it's hard for me to rush through things. I haven't worked in years honestly, I want to and I have 0 confidence that I'm capable at all anymore. I just feel like a piece of trash. My birthday is coming up on August 22nd and I am about to turn 50. My 40s were really rough, I split up with my significant other because he had a lot of issues of his own, and I can't believe I'm this old now and I just can't seem to support myself. And I don't expect any guy to do it for me, I know how that goes down too. Whoever controls the money controls you too. I am just, like, doomed. I feel like I'm cursed. And I'm tired of taking psyche meds that don't seem to help with anything. I've never abused substances but I'm tired of shoving pills down my mouth that don't help. I'm ready to try CBD oil and even turn to alcohol as long as I don't get drunk all the time because constantly taking medication isn't doing me much good either. I'm so fed up with all that I have been through, what I just shared is only the tip of the iceberg. I really want a beer right now just to take the edge off, but I'm back to living with my parents because I'm so broke and I can't be doing that around them. I'm spinning my wheels going nowhere.

[sadskies00]

im sorry to hear about all the struggles you face. and i hope that they get better for you. i can relate to the feeling that your life will never get better.

i can’t help but notice your name. so i have to ask, do you love the song “Iris” by the Goo Goo dolls?