Loneliness in a life I've always wanted

[rlb83]

I'm new here. I have been aware of my depression and mental health issues since I was a teenager. I've been to therapists and have been prescribed medication to deal with my mental health issues. I don't think I've ever had a therapist that was the right fit for me, and as a teenager I was given medication from a psychiatrist that cared very little about me and more about writing a prescription to anyone. I have always wanted to get married, have kids and be a teacher. I have all of those things in life but feel lonely at times in my marriage. I solely take care of my 2 year old daughter with little support from my husband. My husband has mental health issues as well. He deals with anxiety, depression, and ocd. We are similar creatures of habit, but we deal with our social and emotional well beings very differently. I do not communicate my needs, wants and frustrations with him. I do not like confrontation, and bottle my emotions up until I become passive aggressive with an attitude. And he, coming from an abusive childhood, has to be in control and verbally lashes out when angry. We have had marital problems from the beginning, but nothing ever changes. I don't know why I do some of the things I do that are an issue in our marriage. I don't listen to him when he speaks sometimes, and sometimes do the opposite of what he asks. He tells me what he needs from our marriage but I find it difficult to reciprocate when I feel disrespected by the hurtful things he says when mad. From the very beginning I saw red flags, but the connection I had with him trumped those feelings. The last time I was on medication was in the beginning of our relationship, about 5 years ago. I went to therapy last year, but it cause so many problems in our marriage. I've tried to go to counseling with my husband but he refuses, saying that all of our issues are my fault. In therapy last year I tried to deal with some of the issues in my marriage, along with my own mental health issues. I became more vocal about the things I disliked in our marriage. I ended therapy because of how many arguments we were having over it. I am open to different ways to deal with my issues, but I feel medication is the last resort. I didn't like the way medication made me feel, and I'd rather not while taking care of my daughter. I love my daughter and husband, I am thankful for my life and health of my family. I am trying a support group to see if this helps. Anyone else having similar feelings? Or have any advice to offer?

[Anxiousmermaid57]

Good morning. Dealing with these issues can definitely be hard. I deal with depression and anxiety and those 2 kind of go hand in hand. I too am like you I tend to bottle my feelings up and I will admit that hasn’t done me any good at all. My husband and I used to not communicate very well about feelings but that as of late has changed. He witnessed me have a mental breakdown (exacerbated by my Xanax) and it was hard on him and our 2 children. I normally don’t like medication either but it has helped me tremendously it’s a matter of if you want to take it to find the right one for you which can take time. I too have a therapist which I’m finding it to be beneficial. With your husband struggling with his own mental health that can be hard as well. You need support right now and he should be one of your biggest supporters. I have found this support group to be helpful to see others who are going through what you’re going helps in knowing that I am not alone in my struggles. I’m finding meditation to be helpful as well. If you ever want to chat feel free to message me. I’m on here everyday. 🙂

[rlb83 in reply to Anxiousmermaid57]

Thank you for your response. Finding the right medication is challenging. I often felt like a zombie on it and don't want it to affect how I am around my daughter. I feel like my depression on average is manageable. I know I have to do certain things like be outside and being active to keep it at bay. I will exercise and meditate when it gets bad. But arguing with my husband only exacerbates my depression and feelings of loneliness. We got into an argument yesterday because of something I did that hurt his feelings (not intentional) and in return he said some really hurtful things to me. This morning we had a somewhat productive conversation.

[Anxiousmermaid57 in reply to rlb83]

You’re welcome. I like being able to connect with people over similar things that we’re experiencing. That’s good that you guys had a decent conversation. I try to be honest with my husband about how I’m feeling now because we didn’t do that before. I understand you don’t want to feel that way around your daughter. It’s possible you haven’t found the right one yet. Not trying to be an advocate for medication in anyway. My husband was on one a few years ago and he had that zombie feeling so he came off of it. I was on one about 8 years ago and it helped so tried that one this go around and it didn’t settle with me. If you feel that you’re managing it pretty well then keep doing what you’re doing. I’m sure that arguing with your husband does make those feelings worse because you live with him and you’re around him all the time. I remember my husband told me when all of this started with me that he felt God wanted him to see me go through this to help bring us closer as we both had felt that we weren’t connected emotionally anymore. It has been a process but I feel better in our relationship now. I’m taking it one day at a time. Find things that you’re thankful for each day even if it’s just one or 2 things and focus on those things.

[hypercat54]

I can hear anger in your words and I am not surprised. Two things strike me. First you say you have little support looking after your daughter. Does this mean you are working full time and still do most things round the home too?

The second is he is very vocal about he wants and needs from the marriage, but isn't listening to what you want? Have I read that right? Then if so no wonder you are angry!

[rlb83 in reply to hypercat54]

Correct in both. I have built up resentment that he has never made her a meal, put her down to sleep, given her a bath, or taken her out in public by himself. I have expressed that I need help but since he works longer hours and provides more, financially, for our family his response is that the responsibility of taking care of our daughter falls on me. Those issues did not help while on maternity leave with her, while dealing with postpartum.

I don’t believe all of our problems stem from him, but I do believe his words and actions have intensified my depression and feeling of loneliness. I believe a sacrifice in marriage is forgiving, because we are all fragile human beings and it’s our nature to make mistakes. I just feel a lack of trust from some of the things he has said in anger towards me. He is a textbook case of child abuse.

[hypercat54 in reply to rlb83]

Do you think you can live with a textbook case of child abuse? Is he making any effort to get professional help?

[ineverdidlikeorange]

I wish I had more time right now to really write all my thoughts, but I want to throw one thing out there that it took me a long time to realize (I've experienced some of what you're experiencing). I'm not sure you really do have everything you've always wanted. Marriage is teamwork. Marriage is a give and take--maybe today you need to be propped up, and tomorrow it's him. Sounds like you do all the propping. That's gotta suck. It seems like it's making you feel awful, and lonely, and deserted. I'm not making any suggestions about what to do in your situation, I just am hoping to help clarify how you feel about it. I would (and have) felt the same way, and lashed out in passive-aggressive ways, waiting for my spouse to notice I'm upset and give a crap. It feels even worse when it doesn't happen.

I see you.

[rlb83 in reply to ineverdidlikeorange]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my words and reply. This is something new I’m trying out. My husband and I knew each other as kids. Our mothers taught together and were pregnant at the same time. My husband and I are a week apart. As kids my parents would have Summer bbqs with all of their friends, including my husband’s family. As kid we ran in my parent’s backyard collecting fireflies. Fast forward 25 years and we were on the same dating site and he recognized my name. I felt something brought us back together and it was all preordained. I felt compelled to be in his life even though I saw the red flags. I don’t know what my threshold is. I do sometimes think I will be happier without him.

[ineverdidlikeorange]

I hear ya. It's hard, though, right? For me, the thought of separating our stuff (if we split), particularly the Christmas ornaments, sends me around the bend. That's what keeps me trying again and again and again. And some days I'm stronger than others. Some days I feel like we're good, I can do this, everything's cool. The next I'm asking myself WTF I'm even doing here. It's a roller coaster, and it really blows. I'm with you.

[rlb83 in reply to ineverdidlikeorange]

I would get all of the Christmas ornaments! It definitely is a roller coaster. Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm trying not to give up, which is hard when you're felt disrespected, unloved, or upset. If we can just recognize that we're all imperfect. We all make mistakes, say and do selfish things that hurt, and allow our pride to get in the way. I can either choose love, or choose to shut down, ignore our problems, and walk away. Any form of love and respect keep us moving forward.

[gleason9guy]

Sounds like you have your priorities sorted out well, even if it doesn't feel like it.

[rlb83 in reply to gleason9guy]

What do you mean by that?

[gleason9guy in reply to rlb83]

From what you say, it's sounds to me like you know deep down what kind of situation you're in. That means you should follow your instincts and keep doing what you're doing and what you think you should do. Believe in yourself.

[rlb83 in reply to gleason9guy]

Thank tou

[Afrohair]

You sound like you’ve gone through a lot of avenues with your husband you have saught counselling and now he says everything is your fault meanwhile you have no support from him with your daughter and there’s no change .ask yourself this how much longer can you live like this?will you be happier without this relationship?do you blame your depression and anxiety?i know that’s easy done but it’s not always the depression I hope you get the support you need to move forward and be happy I don’t feel happiness from the post I feel sadness and desperation for answers as you’ve tried everything from a marital point of view x