Motherless: Am I wrong to want to feel spoiled and loved?

[raphnn]

My mother died during childbirth. My father told me this from a young age. But as I continue to age I can’t help but think about what could have been. I want my mother back. I never knew her but she is the woman I want to become. She was funny, creative, passionate, caring, loving, artistic and quirky. Everyone that knew my mother claim that I’m a spitting image of her and it makes me feel sad. How can such an amazing woman like my mother make such a flawed woman like me. When my father finally remarried a couple years back my stepmom seemed to understand how I felt since we both lost our mothers at young ages, but I don’t see her as a mother to me. She’s so aloof, uptight, serious, superstitious and childish and I don’t feel a connection with her. She’s been in my life for 13 years now and still our relationship is a roller coaster. We have our good day but we mostly have the bad ones. I want to feel love and appreciated by her, but it’s not going to happen. All I feel when I’m with her is used. She’ll use me for her wants and need, for an example taking care of her son or financially and I don’t know how to tell her no. I feel bad when I tell her no. And I feel bad when I help.

[Lazy_dog_lover]

I am sorry about your birth mother. That has to be so difficult. I am not an expert in this, but I would say you are trying to fit step-mom into your picture of your mom. She can never be a replacement. It may be a square peg into a round hole. My sister is a user, too. She only calls when she needs something. Have you truly mourned your mother's passing? Think about a ritual or journey you can do to help celebrate her life and say good-bye. It is not wrong to want step-mom's love and attention, but she may not be able to give what you want. Setting boundaries will also be super important. Start with something simple like, "I am sorry, but I cannot do that right now. How else can I help?" If she persists, just hold your ground calmly. This builds your self confidence and shows her that you are not to be taken advantage of...empower yourself. You are worth it. You are not flawed. You are you and everyone is unique. Your road and her road were very different. Best wishes.

[raphnn in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

No I haven’t mourn her passing, I don’t think I know how. I’m constantly reminded by her when I see my mom’s side of the family. I also think thats a good Idea I need to find my voice because she has walked all over me.

[Lazy_dog_lover in reply to raphnn]

As a teacher, one of the things we do to start the year is let kids know that their past is their past. Sometimes we write down a list of fears, struggles, or a bad event from prior years. Then they shred it and say good bye. Fresh start.

Does she have a grave site or a favorite place she liked to go? Go there. Light a candle. Tell her you miss her. Tell her you are angry for leaving. Tell her you are having a rough time with new step-mom. Tell her you forgive her. Ask for her to watch over you and guide you. Sit and talk as long as you want. Cry. Show her something about you that you think she would like. Blow out the candle.

Always in your heart.