I’m sorry in advance...This is going to be a very long story😣. I just need someone to talk to who actually understands what’s happening to me.. So if you read this, Thank you❤️So I’m just gonna start from the beginning.... the first week of September I took off work to enjoy a vacation with my then boyfriend (now husband). Bit of a background here: At the time I had been working at a day habilitation program that takes care of adults with special needs. I loved the job but would come home crying some days because it was a very demanding job. We were also anticipating a huge move all the way to Tucson, Az from Alabama at the end of the year .. He just had one more semester of school to go and then we would move.. We were living with my parents at the time and I have always had a VERY mixed relationship with my father and always felt I had to walk on eggshells around him. I never wanted anything but love from my Dad but he has mostly put me down and said horrible things to me and I had to watch him treat my mom and us (his kids) horribly most of our lives. Worst thing is, he never thought he did anything wrong so it was a losing battle. Anyway, I have always had anxiety and crumbled under stress, but it did not start affecting me until the start of that week in September. My boyfriend and I went and got coffee that morning and everything was great... then we got home getting ready to start vacation and I had the WORST anxiety attack of my LIFE. This wasn’t just your average attack.. this lasted all day. I thought I was dying and it lasted for 8 hours.. one started up and then I could be calm for maybe a minute and it would start again and again... that’s not even the worst part... The weeks following that attack were absolutely the MOST miserable of my life. I felt completely doomed and I was in paralyzing fear of another attack happening.. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or function at all. Skip to a week later and I was put on Lexapro by my GP. Around that time I was also having breathing problems and had no energy.. I went to my Family doc and found that I was severely anemic and had walking pneumonia. So I was getting iron infusions and the doc gave me antibiotics and Prednisone (steroids) for the pneumonia.. come to find out she accidentally put me on wayyy too high of a prednisone dose and I woke up in the middle of the night and had what seems like a full on Manic episode... I was completely drenched in sweat and my thoughts were RACING and I was MORTIFIED... so you can imagine that added to my already extreme anxiety.. A week later I had been on Lexapro for a month and had to get off from having horrible symptoms and suicidal thoughts.. Honestly after coming off the Lexapro and Prednisone I was just happy to be alive and didn’t really want to be put on anything else.. About 3 weeks later I started getting really depressed and my anxiety was still horrible so I decided to try another medication... this time the GP put me on Citalopram the last week of October. At first of course I went through symptoms but I was ready to face the worst.. But It seems like these have just made me so much worse. Started having terrible intrusive thoughts and feeling hopeless and have now been taking them for 8 weeks.. And for the last 2 weeks I have felt numb. Like extremely disconnected from myself and from my husband. And it’s a horrible feeling because we just got married and are getting ready to move to Tucson. It is the worst feeling ever. I normally wear my heart on my sleeve and am an extremely empathetic person. It should be the happiest moments of my life but I feel so disconnected and numb. Went back to my GP who did not listen to me at all when I told him how I felt. He instead wanted to up my dose to 30 from 20 after I said I didn’t like the way they made me feel... Instead of upping though, I’m weening myself off of the meds because they made me much worse.. I went down to 15 for a few days and now at 10..We’re now in the middle of moving and I still feel so numb and distant from loved ones..the only good thing that has come out of this situation is that my relationship with my Dad has completely improved.. I prayed for that for a long time and God answered my prayers.. But feeling completely distant during this time is one of the worst things I’ve experienced. I hope after I get off the meds it will get better.. Anyways I just don’t know what’s happening to me and hope it was just the meds and not the way I am permanently. This has been a horrible last few months for me and I just hope things get better and that I’ll be able to feel again. And after all of this I really don’t think I want to be on any more AD’s... Wow it felt good to get all of that out and I’m sorry for rambling.. I just really need someone who maybe understands to talk to. Thank you all so much❤️❤️ God Bless
Just need someone to talk to.. - Anxiety and Depre...
Just need someone to talk to..
I’m so sorry you are suffering. I don’t have much to offer in the way of advice because my situation is similar. It’s so difficult to know which medications are right for us and how they will affect us. Each time I try to go without them I do well for a while but I’ve always relapsed. I know you just want to feel normal again. Have hope! I refuse to believe what you’re experiencing is permanent. You sound like a very resilient person.
Thank you so much for the reply! Yes I’m really hoping it’s not a permanent thing but It almost feels as though it will never end..It’s been so debilitating and yes I want normalcy more than anything! I will try to hold onto hope that things will get better.. and I hope you feel better as well❤️ It’s a tough journey for sure!
Hello, I'm not sure if Citalopram & Escitalopram are the same but the help me a lot. I'm also on Vistraril which does wonders. When I need to put the anxiety to 'sleep', I pop a vistraril but of course it puts me to sleep after a while. I will be praying for you regarding coming off the meds. I tried to do that & winded up in the hospital because I couldn't cope. I know I am having a hard time accepting this as being my life. However, congrats on ur marriage but be careful going off th meds. I wish u nothing but success. 🙏🏾
I think you will find you improve a lot once you move away from the malign influence of your father. Remember a leopard doesn't change its spots.
The other thing to remember is that as far as meds go sometimes a higher dose can make all the difference. I started on 100 mgs of sertraline and was a total mess but once it was increased to 150 mgs the difference was amazing. x
Sadly I agree! He’s definitely caused a lot of unrepairable pain over the years ... But the even more painful part is that I still love him.. Thank you so much for your reply!
Of course you do and that is natural. It doesn't mean though that you don't recognise how toxic he is and protect yourself x
It sounds like a nightmare but at least you've made it up with your dad which you must feel really happy about. Sorry so short but I expect you have longer replies. Happy new year to you xx
It’s ok! Thanks for your reply! Have a Happy New Year!
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