Hi everyone. I’m new to HealthUnlocked and decided to introduce myself.
You can call me Chris.
I’ve been battling depression and anxiety for 7 years now. I started treatment in 2016 — have been on a daily 10mg dose of Lexapro (Escitalopram), and Xanax when needed, since.
It worked in lifting my moods for a little while. But recently in the past year or I suppose I may have built up a tolerance to my current dose. The numbness, fatigue, and low moods are all back. I don’t know what to feel. I know I should be rational and simply seek the next steps I can take.
But I can’t help feeling disappointed. I’m so tired of fighting a battle I can’t win. It seems like whatever I do, I’m only doing enough to fight another day. Can’t I stop fighting for good?
My condition has caused so much anxiety in my life. It’s knocked my confidence in ever living like a “normal” person can. I’ve been fired multiple times from jobs because of it. I don’t know how I’m ever going to hold down a full time job when my episodes keep knocking me off my feet. As much as I despise my condition, I despise myself even more — because I know that the only person who can help myself is me. I’ve been trying so hard but my current circumstances just tell me I’m not trying hard enough.
Really sorry to be such a Debbie downer. I don’t know what kind of advice I’m looking for, to be honest. Whatever you’ve got would be good enough. Thanks for reading.
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poppies0124
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Hello! I'm also new here. I don't have any advice and I'm also tired of trying everyday but others say that life is worth it so I'm just going to trust them on that. Take care!
Hi Summer! Thank you for responding to me. Advice wasn’t necessary, I’m just glad I’ve made a new friend here
I found the responses below quite helpful. I hope you do too. And anytime you need a little boost or just a listening ear, please feel free to message me.
Hi Agora, thanks so much for your response. I’ll definitely check out your recommendation. I like what you said about this not having to be a lifetime sentence. Though I’m somewhat cynical now, I’ll try my best to work towards that.
You’re right in me building my fear up. A lot of my hurdles are created by my fear. It’s something I’m working on: to not let my fear stop me from doing what is necessary.
I’m glad you’re here too. Thank you for responding to me
Chris - you do not need to fight anything on your own. Also, this IS a battle you can win. One thing you can try is picking up a book called DARE. It has helped me with my anxiety and irrational thinking. It truly is a mindset for me - I have to work hard at loving myself daily knowing that is disorder does NOT define me; it's part of me - but not the only thing people see.
Thanks so much for the recommendation. May I know who’s the author? I know that a big hurdle of mine are my irrational thoughts. I’ve read only one book so far on changing mindsets and I’d love for your recommendation to be my second.
I also went to your profile and noted your current circumstances. It must be difficult living so far away from family. I hope you’re coping well, and thank you again for responding to my post.
The book is by Barry McDonagh; Yeah - you'd think having been diagnosed in June, a move in July would have been the last thing I should have done! Oh well - I'm doing okay... just taking it day by day.
If it was a necessary move, then you were — are! — a brave person for having taken it. I hope you know that.
Haha, I know that response too well (about taking things day by day). It’s one I’ve doled out many, many times when asked how I am. But I suppose it’s not too bad a thing to be doing now, is it?
How have you taken to things in your new city or town?
I used to live here for a decade - so, it's nice living somewhere familiar. Hard part is that I have 1 friend who is busy with work and family, so that's the hard part. Thank goodness for technology!
You can win Chris. We stay attached to each other. We gain coping skills. We change meds over the years. We get different types of therapies and exchange information to help each other through the day.
Think of it this way. We don’t form societies to be alone. We don’t form families to handle things alone. You just joined an intentional family; a subset if you will.
We’re here for you and disappointment wastes valuable energy. Honestly would you be disappointed if your pancreas quit producing correctly? No. You can’t help that. Your brain is an organ. It has a mind of its own😁.
Use energy wisely. Take that disappointment and meditate. Don’t ruminate.
Hi Doaty, thank you so much for your response. I appreciate it very much.
I’m a cynical person by nature, so I must admit my knee jerk response to having joined a family wasn’t one of optimism. But I promise I’ll try my best to see that I have. And judging by the responses I’ve received, I’m on my way there
I like what you said about disappointment wasting valuable energy, haha. And the pancreas part too. You’re too right about that. Right now I’m slowly moving past the rumination part of my disappointment, and — hopefully! — going into meditation.
Thank you again for your kind and wise words. I hope you’re doing well!
I’m all the way in Southeast Asia — a little city called Singapore. I think our time zones are the complete opposite of each other, haha. But I’m often up late in the (very) wee hours of the night.
Welcome friend. You found a very positive and supportive group of like sufferers! The bottom line in my opinion is, depression can be tolerable - I'm 64 years ago and have suffered major depressive disorder since I was approximately 12. I've lived a very productive and rewarding life, so it is possible. Not sure you're in therapy or not but I found intermittent "tune ups" at the therapist very helpful. In addition, not all antidepressant and antianxiety meds are the same so it takes some tinkering to get the right one for you. Over the 50 some years I've had depression I've changed meds many times (I don't know if I built up a tolerance or what). You can do this! I found getting through each day by trying to "pretend" I felt good has a positive effect. I'm not always successful but it works often. I also find that getting on the forum and helping others is uplifting. Sending you good karma!
Thank you so much for sharing. You gave me a little hope that I might be able to build a good life for myself after all I will be visiting my doctor soon to discuss a medication/dose change.
I only very recently began therapy as it is very pricey in my city, and no insurance company covers it. I’ve been for 5 sessions so far. I can’t say for sure if it’s definitely helpful, but it has raised questions and thoughts that I wouldn’t have otherwise thought of myself. I will give it more time and see where it leads me.
Thank you again for replying to me. I’m sending you kind and positive thoughts, too!
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