On A Downward Spiral of Obsessive Compulsive Illness Anxiety/Insomnia For 7 Months Now....

[DustinJames83]

I’m new here so pardon the novel I’m about to write; There quite a few variables to this all.

Anxiety is hardly a stranger to me, especially the hypochondria aspect of it. 7 months ago my life feels like it was completely turned upside down & I’m praying that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...

In January I started experiencing abnormal lower abdominal pains that started concerning me after they became relentless. I immediately started seeing a GI doctor but the first few tests weren’t turning anything up. After 2 months of continuous pain & weight loss with no resolution I took it upon myself to get a stool sample done at a Walk-in Clinic after convincing myself it could be something parasitic causing it; After only 3 hours I received a phone call to rush to the emergency room because I apparently had CHOLERA (the first case in my state in 100 years?) and needed to be isolated. Needless to say this scared the living s*** out of me, especially since I didn’t seem to have any symptoms of it or meet any criteria for getting it (i.e.-LEAVING THE COUNTRY.)

I was immediately quarantined but told within hours that I was misdiagnosed and released, which should’ve been a relief if it weren’t for the weeklong marathon of contradicting diagnoses that awaited me.

Let me add that this was the first night of my chronic insomnia; I haven’t slept for longer than 2 hours a night in 5 months...

The next day, just as I thought I could give my mind a rest, the CDC called me and asking the name of every restaurant I’d eaten at in the last 6 months and insisted that the doctor that the hospital was mistaken and that I DID have cholera;

The next day my gastro called me & said while it was unlikely cholera, it was probably vibrio (spoiler: I didn’t end up having that either) from eating sushi and that I shouldn’t be alarmed. Unfortunately at this point the seed of distrust and neurosis had been planted.

That night I ended up back in the hospital after Dr. Google convinced me I wasn’t sleeping and had rapid heart beat because the disease was causing me to lose magnesium, and was treated by a doctor who saw cholera patients on almost a daily basis in his home country and again assured me that I showed absolutely no signs of EITHER disease.

Next morning, as I should’ve expected, I received a call from the lab that conducted the stool sample asking how I was emphasized that EVERYONE else was wrong and irresponsible and that I did have cholera because their labs “don’t botch results that often” (actual quote).

You guessed it-Another sleepless night.

That was March 30 of this year and since them, unable to hang my hat on ANY diagnosis a doctor provided me, I’ve had: A colonoscopy; endoscopy; lower GI CT scan; HIDA biliary test; full body CT scan; 3 gallbladder ultrasounds; Kidney Doppler ultrasound; CT scan on my brain; CT scan of my my sinuses; 26 blood tests of varying types and 8 stool samples spread out over 4 different Doctors, 3 different Gastro and a handful of ER visits. Number of diseases or anomalies found that I should be immediately concerned about: 0

Kudos to my one therapist I was seeing during all of this that told me I needed to get the Sinus CT Scan because my chronic sinus infection was going to spread into my brain and that I shouldn’t trust doctors because they all have a God complex; Suffice to say I dumped her for kinda doing the opposite of what she was supposed to do.

EVERY WAKING MOMENT OF MY LIFE.....I spent fixated on what might be wrong with me, Googling every symptom and psyching myself out more and more. Checking stools and panicking over every seemingly innocuous symptom. All on very little sleep; I’d say I don’t know how I didn’t crack but that wouldn’t be accurate.

It was the last CT that convinced me to give meds a shot, because clearly my anxiety was manifesting a majority of these symptoms and just running with them.

Lexapro 5mg...gave it 6 days and then stopped due to what I now know are common early side effects (heightened anxiety; sweats; tingling limbs; jitters; disoriented).

That was 3 weeks ago.

Ever since stopping it I’ve just felt like an emotional wreck, depressed and discouraged. The occasional Ativan they prescribed for moments of absolute panic seemed to clear up the funk but after a day I’d just feel miserable again; So low in fact that I had to take LOA from work until my head felt straight again.

It doesn’t help matters that my new therapist has been on vacation for 3 weeks.

Another Doc tried BuSpar which made me feel like I was through the roof after just one 5 mg pill, which was a welcome feeling until it didn’t let up for the rest of the night. So I took half the dose the next day per his instructions and felt like a completely catatonic shell the whole day where I couldn’t even keep my head up and would just blank out and stare at the wall but would. I brought myself to the hospital the next day because I felt the same way, only with more headaches and a brain that felt like wet sand. They kept me on watch and gave me an Ativan to calm my nerves and told me I should give the Lexapro a fair shot because I didn’t even let it run its course, and they’re probably right.

That’s where I’m at today....desperately grasping for hope and answers.

I just feel so exhausted, like an anxious wet sponge anymore and recovery seems impossible.

I guess I’m looking for others who’ve fallen down a similar rabbit hole who can offer some encouragement.

Thank you for reading...

[mrschatelaine]

Hi there,

firstly, just wanna say I'm in an equally long-winded and relentless bout of health anxiety so I absolutely hear what you're going through. Speaking from a purely personal point-of-view (no medical or psychological training here) but what you've described is a pretty horrendous round of medical misinformation, so give yourself a little break for feeling as anxious as you did. Being told you have cholera/not/then again would wreak havoc on anyone's nerves so I hope this lends some perspective. However when it fits into a bigger pattern of anxiety, and so much of it to do with health, then you need more than just perspective on one episode. You mentioned you're googling things and fixating on minor sensations - ditto. I've spent the last three years prodding and poking, googling and even checking medical journals. Bereavements have unfortunately led me to believe that I'm next, indeed one close friend died suddenly and our last conversation had been about our mutual health anxiety. Cue the panic attacks after her passing - it was terrible. But it took a meltdown in my doctor's office for me to even connect the dots on that one. Of course I was going to have a slight 'reaction' to that situation - but do you think I made any connection between health anxiety-induced panic attacks and grief before? - not at all. When the light-bulb finally did go off I couldn't believe I'd missed it. Nonetheless that didn't stop me from getting referred to specialists, having scans, bloods, attending clinics and STILL not completely trusting the results (all clear thank God) - hence my wandering about the comments here. While it's terrible that so many seem to be going through this I'm glad that the forum exists just to let people know that health anxiety can be so real, it can be so convincing, and it can really suck the life out of your day, your week, your year. It's as if the worry is a rock to cling on to - I'm one of those who mistakenly believes that when I don't worry, when I stop paying attention to the minor details, to the tiny signals my body is sending, then that's it, that's when it truly is curtains. And that's how insidious this worry is - mine at least appears to be able to mutate and evolve every time I think I have it figured out. I hope you're feeling much better since you've posted and that you've been able to return to work. Reading through these posts one great bit of advice I think is to stay active, busy and distracted - that certainly works for me - when I'm truly engaged in a project or working to a deadline suddenly every bodily sensation is less and less the focus of my brain. So passion and motivation for something other than my own mortality is certainly key for me! I see other people posted books by Claire Weekes - I'll be tracking those down too - but I also found 'It's all in your head' by Suzanne O'Sullivan fascinating too - but don't want to discount the very real and debilitating fact of anxiety either. Best wishes!