Sometimes we talk of our scars from our childhood, I know I have. But this is not what is making me so tired, panicked, & scared. I guess I can also honestly say depressed.
So much has been going on in my life that I just can't keep up anymore. I've lost many people that I was close to & just still needed around so that I can say what I needed to say before they passed away. Unspoken words & regret to live with when someone you love dies is the most horrible things to carry with every day.
With every death I had endured, with every addition we added to our home & every person we removed from our home, with every job I had to give up & replace, with every added medical condition I had or someone else in my home had, and with every financial struggle we had to face, it just added so much more stress, anxiety, and even more & more depression than I already had.
The past month alone has had me down so much. It made me see just how much I had been through. I haven't really been able to just sit there to think about me. I've always been taking care of the 3 kids & making sure each of their mental health has been stable enough to make it through the day & get them through their school year. Getting them to appointments. Making sure that I was able to visit my one that doesn't live with us. I was just always making sure everyone else was okay & everything else was okay. My sleeping has even started to suffer a lot more than usual. I already have a bad case of insomnia & the past month or so it has gotten even worse. Barely sleeping & have to work at nights.
My husbands' recent ER visit gave me my final scare & drew that line for me. I broke down the same way that I broke down the day I found out my mother died of heart failure. Everything I've gone through in the past few years spilled out through the phone lines to my best friend. I was telling her that I just couldn't keep taking all the hell that was being dealt to me. Every time that I find a way to get myself at least a little better, something bad happens again. It's endless. I'm tired.
Two years I haven't been able to sleep in my bed with my husband because we take care of a toddler with ADHD, sleepwalking, & really bad traumas, if left alone at night, is scared & also gets into everything. The only bedroom we have, that she can sleep in, is downstairs, off of our living room & that's where she sleeps & I sleep in the living right next to her room, on the couch & have been for 2 years. I can't make our teenage daughter share her room again. So, I'm still left on the couch, alone.
I never really have me time. A time where I can try to work on my own well being. I have a moment right now, writing this but, I'm not completely alone, my toddler is in her room while I am on "my" couch typing away, trying to focus. Usually, I try calling my best friend or another friend too for my me time, just to release some of the mental weight. But my me time is never alone time so, I have to stop talking to tell my toddler to please keep the noise down so that I can hear my call. There was a time within the past few days where I just needed to be completely alone, I didn't care so, I went outside to my back deck & just sat there. My husband was inside on his computer & our toddler was in her room or watching tv, I forget. I went out there because I just needed to cry it out, alone. I knew what to expect when I got back inside. With the toddlers ADHD, she has impulses to always touch things & steal things that she knows she's not allowed to. It happens more than once a day & every day. She even ruins a lot of things we own. We call her our personal storm maker. After crying for about 30 minutes, I pulled myself together & stood up to look around our yard & deck. Not meaning to or trying to, I noticed white foamy thick stuff on a leaf by our back door & looked around a little more in that area & found there was more in a flower pot. I called my husband outside to have a look at what I found. We both knew exactly what it was. It was shaving cream. (LOL!) He called out to our toddler in a firm, I'm not playing tone & she started to act all bashful. Like, what... I didn't do anything. This is exactly the type of stuff that I mean, that she does & more than once a day, many times throughout the day, if not paid attention to. And this is the type of stuff she does if my husband is the one keeping an eye on her too, while I'm cleaning, working, or sleeping in a little later than usual. He doesn't really pay too much attention to her. She knows it too & knows what she can get away with. This is also why, when we're both home, I never get to do much unless I have her by my side every second. This is also why I never really get to have me time. Our daughter is 14, she's great at watching our toddler, however, I hate asking her to watch her just to give me some me time. I do sometimes though. She does understand & I'm extremely grateful for her. Every time that I am allowed any kind of me time, be it either by my daughter or my husband or by my husband & daughter, I give myself no more than 30-45 minutes of it. Most times it's just to surf the web & use my herbal remedy to ease my chest pains. Sometimes I sit in my basement to think about everything going on, what I need to do to fix something wrong & use my herbal remedy to ease my chest pains, stress, & anxiety. After I've spent that time for myself, I head back up, thank them, & take care of things & prepare our toddler for dinner & bed. There are nights where I come home from work & just end up not needing anyone, our toddler is already in bed & I can just give myself my own me time & not be concerned how long I take in doing it.
But, one thing, during all this me time, one thing that I am not getting from it is true release. I want a true release of all the things that I need to say & someone there to say to me, OMG, I know how you feel & this is what I have done about it. That's what I need but not getting. I thought that I could get it here. So far I just feel like I've been ignored. It could be because I write so darn much. I get it. I guess I treat this like a blog more than just a quick forum entry. I'm sorry about that. I always have so much going on inside my head that needs to come out. I've been using a lot of my me time to write in & for this forum. The admins of it know who I am now. They just sent me an email saying just that. Makes me wonder if they messaged some of the other members & told them too. Maybe that's why I'm being ignored. I don't know.
Whatever the reason, I'm not a bad person, no matter what some may want to take me for. I'm just a wife, mother, & aunt that is trying to get better now for the sake of her remaining loved ones. I'm not mentally ill to the point of lockup insane, just to the point where I can really use people to talk to that can hopefully relate & give me some pointers or just chat with me.
(almost) Completely Alone in the World
Being alone
Being Ignored?
Fear of being alone...
