I'm to blame for my build up...

[TheFightGoesOn]

I'm not new to this. I have a box deep inside of me that I had there since was I pretty young. It's been locked. I unlock it when I need to add more things inside of it.

Every time that I have been abused as a child, it's been put inside that box & locked up.

Every time that I have been abused as a teenager, it's been put inside that box & locked up.

Every time that I have been abused as an adult, it's been put inside that box & locked up.

Every time that I have lost someone that I loved so much & put all my trust & faith in due to death, it's been put inside that box locked up.

Every miscarriage I had, it's been put inside that box & locked up.

Yes, I have talked to shrinks. No, none of them were able to help me with anything I went through before I locked it all away. I did allow them to try. Throughout all of my stages in life.

Writing, drawing, reading, listening to music, other forms of art, & talking to just that one true friend, & finally meeting the perfect man & his family is what finally started to help.

Until my life ran into more rough roads for me to walk. More traumas for me to try to get through either with the help from who I had or with I had or, as I have done, put in that box inside of me & lock it back up again.

Yesterday I came to the conclusion that I couldn't have that box locked anymore. But, I also cannot have everything coming out all at once either. The reason I came to this conclusion is that Friday, I thought I was going to lose my husband. The one person that has been there for me & who has made me the person I am today. We've been together for 17 years. Friday I thought that 17 years of my life were going to be gone.

He's still not doing great. He's home, but still not doing great. He's been the one to teach me what it meant to be a true adult in a world that was complicated to live in. A world that was literally filled with Vampires of all kinds. Political, religious, etc. Just vampires all around us. It was him & I facing the world together. We are raising 3 children the best we can, together.

He was the one who taught me how to be strong where I was at my weakest. He may have been so wrong in his methods but, he still made me strong & wise. Sometimes he made me too wise. I sometimes outwitted him & he got so mad.

Yesterday I cried so hard because I wrote something on here that did not sit well with others, for that I am sorry. I don't care at this very moment who was right or who was wrong. I really don't. That's NOT why I came back. I came back because I want to be here. I connected with some people on here & didn't want to lose those connections.

I came back because, one way or another, with what I have been through, me, myself, all the very many different things, I know I can relate to you & we can get along & be able to talk adults. Maybe provide each other with what helps each other manage the depression better.

I want to be able to make my home environment better for myself & my family & I think I can that by coming here & reaching out to the community that may share the same problems that I had face, am facing, and might face.

I don't need a professional. If I did, I'd be there right now.

[AmarelisM]

I can very deeply relate to your analogy of putting things in a box. Especially in regards to trauma from when I was a child. Although I have been able to forgive those who hurt me, I am still learning to forgive mysel!

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to AmarelisM]

I've always found poetry & certain ways with word usage my favorite way to let the feelings go. It was an outlet of mine for a long time as a child, then a teen, then a couple moments as an adult. At each phase, I had a block because I was lost. I couldn't manage the mental illnesses that way anymore, so, I went to the next outlet, drawing. I did that for each block at each age, at each phase. When that also became a block & I was lost again, I just to reading instead. I always tried finding another outlet, just so I can keep that lock on the box. Feed my feelings, emotions, darkness, whatever it was, something different.

A lot of doctors told me, when I was in my mid, to late teens, that I was going to end up becoming my mother, in a mental hospital, if I keep locking that box & not discussing what all that is inside there hiding. All that happened, by who, how I felt about it, etc, it was going to haunt me one day & drive me insane.

I'm here many years later, able to talk about & also talk about so much more that happened thereafter, & never once stepped foot near any mental hospital, not even a mental hold!

I over came the odds because I didn't let it define me. I used my artistic talents as my outlets & my therapy treatments. I didn't need a textbook therapist to guide me.

But, what I wrote today, about, I'm to blame for my build up... It's because, no matter how strong I became, in what ever manner I became, I still had scars that can never go away & will still make me cry at times. May even make me scared sometimes.

I suffered from night terrors not long after my mother passed away. I blamed myself for those night terrors because I fought with her 3 days before she passed away. I was mad at her for leaving behind a lot of those scars. My sister called 3 days later saying her heart failed!

Sorry, for ranting on. I guess I will just stop there so that I can take a deep breath. I do believe I need it. Sorry about that.

[argh52]

I like your box metaphor. I have tried to take one thing out of the box and wound up letting out too much. You are being incredibly brave right now. Stay strong.