Self sabotage vs self defense

[Lazy_dog_lover]

I work in a position that is a step down from my usual profession. I have some PTSD from before, so I thought easing back in at a lower level would help.

Unfortunately, there is an upper class vs us predjudice. The evaluation system for my level is all based on hearsay and one sided reports to my Dept Chair. Nothing objective and no context in the report.

So, in the process of explaining my side, it seems like making excuses. It has been hard to realign my thinking to the lower level. My evaluation says things like "over stepping boundaries" and "failure to follow chain if command". I can't ask a simple question without going through 3 layers.

How do I survive this system? It triggers every ounce of anxiety in my body. The anxiety is making my performance suck. Every time I screw something up, I get called out on it.

The anger is bubbling up and my responses to the beratements is getting punchy. I can't take the constant berating. How do I survive this without self-sabotaging?

How does one defend oneself without being taken as being defensive and making excuses?

[brokenlight]

I don’t have answers to your questions but I’m sorry for your pain & suffering.

Thank you for being here.

[Tattarama]

Hi: this is a terrible side of employment, and unfortunately it's all too common. I don't know if it's possible for you, but one time I took a year off from my usual line of work and did something completely unrelated....it was a low level job in a different field. Because it was so monotonous, it didn't require much of my mental capacity, and I was really good at it, lol. It did so much for resting my mind and heart. Not great for the finances, unfortunately, but when I returned to my own career I was well rested in my mind and had the strength to tackle the corporate b.s. again. As an aside, do you have anti-anxiety meds? Made a huge difference to my fear at work. Best wishes to you ❤

[Lazy_dog_lover in reply to Tattarama]

I would love to, but I am 48 and my dad is paying my mortgage already. I am the lowest paid employee at work. I am a teaching assistant in special education. The custodians make $3 more starting salary compared to me. I almost switched.

I did change careers for a year...it was not less stressful, though. I thought it was something I really could excel at and it totally backfired.

Need a job that can pay the bills. I don't even care what field it is in. It is more about the culture, now.

Thanks.