So it’s been a few weeks since I started my citalopram, and as a few of you may know, I had a PAC exam today. PAC stands for Performance and Competency and it is a physical demonstration of skills in a clinical setting. Previously, these exams have been HUGELY triggering for me- to the extent that I had panic attacks and failed two of them because I couldn’t think straight. My hands would shake, my heart would race, I’d hyperventilate, get sweaty, hot, cold, & dizzy... I would get so caught up in trying to calm down my physical symptoms and not appear to be panicking that when the instructor would ask me to perform it wouldn’t even register what they said to me. I’d have to ask her to repeat, then I still couldn’t find the information I *Knew* was locked in my brain. After I failed the last one I went to my doctor.
The first week sucked. The second week was less sucky. The side effects from starting were almost worse than the panic attacks, but I knew it would most likely pass.
Today, I got a tiny bit nervous in clinic. My hands shook a little. But it wasn’t obvious and it didn’t last. I took a deep breath and continued. I had to perform 4 pages of clinical skills in the correct order without missing a single step. I reached for the information in my brain and... it was ALL still there. I GOT A PERFECT SCORE! Perfect, the instructor said. I did “an excellent job”. I’m back to achieving at the level that I’m used to academically.
I don’t want to get my hopes up to high, because I know that body chemistry is incredibly complex, but I sincerely hope that this drug keeps on working for me. Thanks for reading, and thanks to those who wished me luck today.
New and feeling broken
Will I ever feel really good again?
Does doing something good for yourself feel empty?
Things that have made me feel good
Ladies and gents, i am feeling good today 
