Hiding in plain sight

[Iamjayiam]

I hope I’m not the only one that does this, but anyhow here is my story.

I suffer from moderate, sometimes severe anxiety and depression. Have for many years. But I do a very good job hiding it because of the stigma that comes with it. Even my wife of 22 years doesn’t know the full extent of my issues. I almost always wear a smile, seem calm and collected. On the inside is a completely different story.

I hide just how bad it is from everyone because I grew up in a family where the worst thing you can do is show weakness. And I guess I’m just afraid that if folks knew how I really feel on the inside, I would be perceived as weak.

So anyhow, what my family and some friends know is that I take “happy pills” and everything is fine otherwise. They think I’m fine because that’s what I want them to think. I work very hard to keep it that way. Meanwhile the shit just keeps building and building and I know sooner or later something is going to trigger an eruption, but I really don’t know how else to do this.

Anybody else out there work hard to hide what’s inside?

[-Poetic2]

Yeah a long time ago then I got to the place where my mental health was, had to be my most important challenge to survive. About exploding, I have felt like a soda bottle that is being shaken. Whoa! Talk about pressure. You gotta find someone to really be able to talk to. I would recommend a professional who won’t betray your confidence...Good luck.

[Hidden]

Yes and then I got burned out, everything fell apart. Ive been trying to rebuild my life for the past year. It’s good you are being honest with yourself and you know how bad it really is, maybe you can implement more strategies before SHTF and makes a mess of your job and life.

[fauxartist]

yeah....it's understandable you don't want to worry anyone...but it's not a weakness to ask for help...your right to not talk to loved ones sometimes about your stuff...as they may not know what to say, or tell you what they think you should here. This disease is not your fault...it's a chemical thing in the brain...and medication is only part of treating it, it's very helpful to be able to openly and honestly express the extent of what your really feeling. Are you in therapy? Do you think your meds are not really working as well as you need them too?...two issues you could address if your not in therapy...a good fit with a therapist who understands depression can be very helpful...and some people need different meds....and while your on this journey....your in a good place here to talk about your stuff...your anonymous, and others here understand....

[Maverick319]

I've been doing that all my life!! I know exactly how you feel. If you've ever seen the movie Titanic with Kate Winslet in the scene where she is about to jump overboard, she says its like standing in the middle of a room screaming at the top of your lungs an nobody hears you. The inertia of it all!!

So I totally get it!! My family refers to my meds as "happy pills" too. I too go through every day hiding the "real" me. I get up and put on that mask and pretend everything is fine while inside I just want to hide away from everything and everyone.

I can't really give you any advice because I'm going through it now as well and I am trying to schedule an appointment with a psych.

Have you ever considered seeing a psych? Anyway, like I said I get it totally! I hope you can find help. I wish you well! 😉

[SBJJ]

I feel you. I recently discovered that there is this pattern of thoughts "I'm weak and needy SO if they (my closest ones) will discover that, they will stop loving me = leave me/send me away from them". It's a pretty scary shit to deal with, but it's better once I know what I'm dealing with. I hope it might help you too, if you have something similar going on. Knowing your fear means that you can overcome it. Good luck! Also maybe read more about high-functioning anxiety. That might help too.