I hear you, and who among us stage 4 guys doesn’t have the necessary “ supplies “ by the bushel .... right in the pile of meds we get from the pharmacy every month ? No need to go anywhere for that. Boy I sure do.
Still I’m the hang on and stick around as much as possible type. I’m too competitive to let it beat me without my best fight ( read that as a couple more beers, some popcorn and another movie rental). I haven’t even tried that new giant Asian mega-buffet over on Shaw Ave yet. Seriously. All those people going round putting postit notes ( with their names on them ) on my stuff are gonna just have to wait a while. It’s “ back off Jack “ for them.
😂😂😂😂😂
P.s. ....I paid so much for my health insurance every month for the last 50 years, ..... I’m keeping this $23,000 ( what it costs, average , to keep me alive every month so far ) payout string going just for payback spite. 👍👍👍👍
Ratt-ta-tatt .... yayahahahaya yayahahahaya. You must be a graduate of the J-O-H-N school of funny. Good one. Probably earned the coveted “ clown “ ( valedictorian ) honors.
All us stage 4 , circling the drain , guys , got “ dead “ nailed already .... no need for suicidal crap ...... we’re already well esablished with that. It’s an old friend, mine sitting here on the couch wearing one of those Big black robes with the hoodie ...bones sticking out. Mine drumming it’s bare finger bones on the couch arm and glancing impatiently at its watch now and then.
Screw that bag of bones and the vapor cloud it rode in here on .... I haven’t finished off my case of Montrachet and that box of Fromage I ordered from France yet. Besides SvenGoolie comes on tonight at 8 p.m. locally , no way I’m gonna miss that. Saturday Night Live at 11:30 too.
I’ll worry about that other crap when I get around to it .... no reason to be in any hurry. Now I wonder where I put that fancy corkscrew.... damn Lupron.
I used to like mst3k a lot early on , had a lot going for it and pretty unique. Seemed like , as time passed , they got stale and also started talking over so much of the flick , it made it impossible to enjoy the film much ...and the interruptions were so lame ... dunno, maybe I changed or something. Sven is really lame most of the time ... he seems to have trouble digging out the better vintage movies a lot n recent times. I doubt that most people expect much more out of Richard Koz than he generally delivers ... so in that respect it’s good. The cornball grows deep with Sven ... that’s his strength yayahahahaya
I don't know these things! MST3K ... spent too much time w head in clouds ... didn't enjoy even good wisecracks ... and if I was high, fageddabout it ... I had attentional problems
Can you imagine being a cave person who finds a working TV and gets sick of shows after a while.
"Seasons 1 and 2 were good, but then it seemed they were just rolling out the same premise."
No sir! They would be popping corn on the fire -- kernels shooting every which way -- to see that program all the way through. Eve if it was the Simpsons.
Because they were primitive, dammit. Something you can't be even in your dreams. Accept it!!
I still have a full bottle of Elvira's Night Brew beer. Came out on the shelves one Halloween a long time ago. It was so bad, I kept one bottle as a souvenir (cause of the great picture) and gave the rest to the teenagers who lurked around my house back in the day.
Thanks for the memory or not memory Kaliber. My Lupron makes me Ioose track of where I put my exercising bottle at the gym. But I can still see the babe exercising ladies doing weird gymnastic workouts. Guess Lupron hasn't hit my eyes yet.
That’s really funny. My husband still looks and I don’t mind anymore. That’s one thing healed since he had one of those necks that turned his head involuntarily or so he said.
I suspect he appreciates and loves you more now than he ever has. It’s times like this when you really see clearly inside yourself .... how strongly you love your significant other and how important those loved ones around us really are. How lucky are we to have someone to stay by our side and love us back !! 😁
This is true. Although we are separate, we’ve become part of each other. If I could I’d take it in a second. There’s a rebel in me that has a different take on life after raising my kids and being my age, I might do things differently. So many different lens to look through. We are all brave. Just living life is brave.
Exactly! And just between us, attitudes come and go. Brave one day, shaky the next. I suspect my apparent courage comes from one of these pills. Like methylphenidate, that's a good candidate.
I hear you .... twelve years into our, now, 43 year marriage my wife came out of her closet. That can throw anyone a relationship curve ball. Yayahahahaya. she is a very good person and now in my time of most need, she is strongly right in there for me. I expect her to take me to the finish line. I’m pretty sure she will anyway. I’ll move on before long as natural course, and she’ll be able to move on too ..... to a life better suited for her as well. Bright new horizons and beautiful sunrises for her ... frankly a world she richly deserves. Its all good.
Unfortunately, in all the states that allow physician assistance in dying, you have to be a resident, I.e., have an address and a driver’s license or voter registration or other proof of residency.
Thanks - I didn't know that. In my mother's case, her NY doctor helped by raising her morphine level so that her respiration stopped. I know this is a fairly common procedure.
I assume the purpose of the residency requirement is to ensure that people don't come to the state for the sole purpose of obtaining physician assistance in dying.
This site lists the steps someone has to take to establish state residency. wikihow.com/Prove-Residency The requirements vary by state; some require two proofs of residency, some four.
Increasing morphine is definitely common to deal with intractable pain. It is advisable to have an advance directive stating that you want maximum pain relief even it it depresses respiration and hastens death. A major problem is when morphine and nothing else works, and the patient then needs palliative sedation IV.
The hospice my husband used would only provide IV medication on an inpatient basis (likely for financial reasons as it certainly is not a Medicare requirement.) I had to fight for him to get a SubQ morphine infusion at home, and also had to get his MO at Duke involved.
I can sell my FL. concrete block home and RELOCATE, then become a Resident where I park and I'm Home Sweet Home. New mailing address, new Driver's License, new beginning to THE END.
Sensitive ........... dark ...... Poignant ....... uh .... creepy yayahahahaya
Ok I’m going to go jump off my 3rd floor balcony now , back in a flash ................. .................. ....... ah , forgot, I live in a one story ranch and my adt trashed body wouldn’t let me climb the stairs anyway ..... ............... some other time I guess. Time for a bowl of ice cream with bananas and cherries on top while I think about all this . Want some ? Two scoops for you.
The bad news is that Oregon doesn’t allow people wearing turtle shells past the agricultural checkpoint.
Just say’in 🤪🤪🤪🤪
P.S. ... what’s with that picture ? . .... looks like you better back off the thorazine a wee bit , so you can remember where you left your razor. 🌸🌼🌻🦋😁
Good job of that there buddy ... you’ve got that Charles Manson stare nailed brother .... I don’t think the swastika on the forehead is your look tho ( leave that part out please ). That dramatic black and white ( with a tinge of color ) is masterful.
If I made one like that, it’d probably scare my dog ..... if I had a dog. I already scare my neighbors .
Now if you only had that batch of batch of brainwashed young beautiful cult girls fawning all over us ..... ‘eh ?
Just thinking out loud my brother , you hip ?
Btw: you really are a skilled multi media type of guy huh ... impressive. I’ve seen your Facebook page tho ... it’s no surprise. Whadda you use on that photo, is that Photoshop or ? .... I used to be but I’m not up on all that stuff anymore. That’s a near perfect chunk of art to embellish that dark poem with. Pretty impressive.
I no longer use Photoshop. My needs are too modest! This was done using (free) Adobe Photoshop Express plus WPS Presentation. The latter is just a Powerpoint workalike -- but gives great flexibility in sizing and other things.
Hey Cisco, you started sharing your poetry with us and now you have a few of us hooked on it so you have to keep it going. Sorry to ask you for that favor but you started the whole thing 😀.
I have always enjoyed reading your poetry. I have always struggled putting my feelings and experiences into words. Some of your poetry says it for me. Thinking of you and sorry for what you are going through.
I have seen how my sister of 60 went after 4 shots of chemo with ovarian cancer. She was finally told she had 2 weeks to live, and could not eat any more.
So at the hospice overlooking Sydney Harbour, a place she loved, she said her goodbyes, gave her forgivenesses, and confirmed her will with a lawyer. She was ready when I last saw her on a Saturday afternoon in the gardens where we walked awhile, but she didn't need anyone to stay with her. She had a morphine drip for the pain, and the staff increased the amount she could take with button she pressed, and during that Saturday night she must have realized there's no use hanging around, so pressed the button so much she overdosed on morphine and died asleep with heart failure at 6am Sunday morning. She was 60, and left a daughter of 17 behind, who to this day has trouble with that time.
My father died of melanoma at 60, it progressed too fast, there was nothing docs could do so he wasted away in hospital in 1973. He finally admitted he loved my mother. She was with him at 1pm, I was minutes too late getting to the hospital after leaving my work place. I howled for 30 minutes, then spent the rest of day with mum. We both got over that fairly fast. Mum lived another 43 years.
I've seen other friends die, and its always a tough experience, but some welcome the relief, they come to terms with reality. I hope I am like that, quite at ease with not knowing if there is eternal life, not needing it, but grateful that I had some life. There's a point where all the logic about living disappears, and I can only guess than many ppl just say "all that's OK, I'm leaving.... ".
We can all do without the prolonged pain without any hope of getting any better.
I don't class cancer suicide with death by despair (suicide, overdose, alcoholism etc). It's just a sad practical choice. I'll tell you right now, I hope I have that button.
I also don't think survivors need to go through the recriminations we associate with regular suicide. But ... we have to learn this. We need to be clear. We need to love mercy.
There are some ppl who have a marriage break up or they lose a leg in Afghanistan but they are otherwise healthy, with a possible good life ahead, and then they suicide, despite the support of others around them who want them to live not die.
Quite a few ppl who were affected badly by the long drought on farms have committed suicide. They could see no future, after selling all their animals or shooting them, and they had a huge debt to banks, and that's real sad, but kind of understandable.
But when you have come close to the end of life with something incurable, and its obvious the doctors are right about your prospects, and the pain starts, and life becomes hell on earth, then I feel its ok for anyone around them to let them go.
But in this country its wrong to support or aid aid anyone departing, except Victoria, where there is a huge amount of paperwork.
But euthansia has been going on for very many years in hospices, and probably aided by palliative care nurses aiding ppl wanting to die at home, and all without Govt approval, and its all just kept quiet, and nobody gets prosecuted for aiding a suicide.
The politicians find any talk about euthanasia a deadly political subject, so they avoid it like the plague because they can't promote it because they won't get votes because many ppl feel anyone assisting euthanasia is a murderer, and we all are duty bound to keep ppl alive as long as possible. There is this fear that ppl will liquidate relatives to benefit as heirs, etc. There are ppl who'd knock off grandpa to get $$$$.
But most ppl would not. But they might put grandpa in an aged care home where its the cheapest place offering very little care, so grandpa dies from multiple problems and drugs to quieten him down, and there's a Royal Commission about aged care going on now about how badly the youngies are treating the oldies.
50% of ppl in aged care places have nobody visit them in a year. They have been dumped, like rubbish.
Its not against the law.
So we may all have a dream about how we leave Earth, but when the time comes how it happens may not be very dreamy.
So I can't predict my end, but I think I'll handle it just fine because I've never had support from a wife or kids, so I am used to doing things alone. I won't care who rides my bicycle when I am gone.
But meanwhile, I am still quite alive, and able to care about things. My swimming pool liner has started to fall apart after 37 years, so I have had to get a contractor in to replace it, usd $3,900, just for 50Kg of PVC plastic sheeting. I just don't want to do it myself, and buying the liner is about 1/2 total cost, so I hope Noel the man will do a good job; he's $1,500 cheaper than others. He's nearing my age, knows all about the pool type I have, and is getting liner of same type as I have had, which one supplier said was the oldest in Australia for that particular pool shape. I took care of it, that's why it lasted. Many things lasted well with me but I regret I could not keep a woman "on the porch" because unlike things, ladies have wills of their own. Trying to have that caring woman around just duzzen madder Enny More. Nice to swim a bit though, especially after a nice long ride on a bicycle.
IMO suicide may be an easy out (although it is no where near an easy decision) for us, but a difficult option for our family and friends to truly understand and fully support.
I’m in the same boat as your wife. I can’t express in words my respect for you that you would suffer to lessen her suffering. I also would never judge anyone that would take the bus to Oregon. Anyone that has fought this horrible disease this far that is suffering is NO Quitter in my book. Death is horrible fir those left behind suicide or not. Bless you Cisco 99.
Oh I I don’t think suicide is the choice but have thought about it a couple of times, but every day I see a reason that I have to stay as long as I can. Fighting the monster every hour of every day 🙏🙏🙏
I live in a no-assisted-suicide state. I think what I fear most is intractable pain. I am one who will consider my options when the time comes. I've enjoyed your writing. I have a writing project in mind that I never seem to get to.
Mostly for me I suppose but with an idea that it might help others. Subject wouldn't be prostate cancer -- more about overcoming a really troublesome childhood. Might be easier to couch it as fiction -- as the reality is probably stranger than fiction.
You can write it for us ... bit by bit, day by day. I increasingly think this place is a gathering of sous that, yes, have the prostate thing ... but eve more important we are going through a soul cleaning.
I don't know you, Peddie, but I know what it is to carry a lot of shit around, and I know the relief it gives me to scrape some of it off.
If you say BOOK, you need to deal with a lot of obstacles. Think online collection of stories and thoughts. A blog, with autobiographical entries. Could be 30 pp, could be 500. Woudn't have to be consecutive items.
It's so easy to start when you don't block yourself with unnecessary difficulty.
It's funny. Those who saw your picture seemed to say, well, you know, maybe suicide is ok. I'm guessing you will be with us for a good long while. Assisted suicide? You have to be physically able to take the pills on your own. They make it hard. Also, dementia is excluded. Well, crap. That leaves a lot of us twisting in the wind. And I was alcoholic long before I had pca. Now they have me popping pills. Something I always avoided. I need to find some marijuana gummies today. I now believe in total relaxation. Enjoy.
Too much to bear. I understand the need to have something to hold onto and the tragedy of suicide that never leaves you. Our daughter tried to commit suicide twice as a teenager and the feeling you have as a parent is beyond words. Horror and pain are as close as I can come. I still check to see how she is doing for fear she will try again and succeed.
the dad of one of our granddaughter's committed suicide when she was about six months old and no one realized he was so troubled. I had an aunt who did also. I too want the option of assisted suicide and we live in Oregon but I am not sure how that will work out. I don't want to put my family through any more pain than is needed.
They are taking care of me. Though now, I am functioning close to normal, I know that will change over time. The burden for them is something I want to minimize. It will come down to the quality of life for me and for them, living with extreme pain, being in a wheelchair or bedridden is a burden for all involved. I hope we will reach a mutual agreement to let me go, should it come to that.
I am truly deeply sorry for the loss of your daughter. I cannot imagine what life would be like if my daughter had actually succeeded. Only you know the circumstances of your daughter's death but I am guessing that they are very different from the circumstances under which you want to be able to put an end to your suffering.
Perhaps, rather than putting you on a bus to go alone to Oregon, your wife should go with you and be by your side to help you through that process. That is love and is very different from sending you out on your own and not being there with you. There will be grief but there will also be joy in relieving you from your suffering too.
Good luck to you both, whatever you decide. I wish you and your wife as much joy as you can find and a peaceful and calm journey. Please let me know if I can be of help.
Well said. I lost my daughter in a traffic accident. I can somewhat empathize with Cisco. There are things we cannot change. I have had way too much of suicide and etc. today. I mean get on the bus, Gus. I mean j-o-h-n. Lighten this up please. I am becoming a depressed alcoholic.
I don't like the dark side of this post and some of the threads. I am a positive person and when any of us entertain any thoughts of self termination we are considering only ourselves. It is a very selfish act. I would suggest you consider looking to the love of family and friends and finding a higher power and ask forgiveness and mercy.
I dont mean to preach but we must not go down the dark road.🍸🍸🤠
I think that the definition of a "selfish act" is really dependent on context and beliefs. If one is in great pain and cannot be present or without pain, I think that they and their family must decide what is right for them.
You are entitled to your beliefs, just as we all are. "Suggesting"someone should ask for forgiveness and mercy when they are dying of prostate cancer is a moral judgement. We connect with a "higher power", God, or nature as individuals, as we see fit.
I know you mean well but you are judging others in accordance with your own moral and religious beliefs. This forum is for sharing knowledge, our situations, feelings and thoughts without judgement. However, prayers and good wishes are always welcome.
I hope you continue to smile and enjoy life. That is a good thing.
My daughter took her life. My son has made two attempts. My wife is writing a book about death by despair. I have been, or my daughter had gone to while she was alive, eight funerals of overdose and suicide victims.
So you can say I am sort of immersed in the option.
I think it's good to discuss it. Gets it out there, cuz we're lying if we say in the depths of our misery, that the thought has not occurred.
The radical part is that if my daughter were alive today and made it clear to me she was considering that kind of death, I would not move heaven and earth to prevent it. Why? Because as a father my duty is to love her, to be with her, to walk the walk with her.
I did these things.
I do not have the horror in my heart that I did not try, did not grapple with the problem of her terrible pain.
If there are members of this circle jerk who are in this dark space, I'm the guy to talk to. I have walked the walk. I think I have brought comfort and understanding to a handful of Daniele's friends. I have paid their rent. have bought the prescription glasses. I have helped them find work. I have paid for a particularly gruesome facial tattoo to be removed. Not because suicide is awful (it is) but because I love them and I can see all the way to their hurt.
I think I am fairly Christian in these matters, not because suicide is the worst thing in the world -- it is not. But because in each of these circumstances they were heartbroken, and I made an effort to know them and love them.
It has been downloaded over 30,000 times. I say in it, for punks and straights alike, "We have to stop dying." Unquote.
We all judge, it's one way we stay alive. I am not "for" suicide. But I see through it to the crying heart.
Love you, man. Respect your very decent convictions, you empathy for survivors. If anyone wants to talk abut this with me, mail me, OK? Cancer is a leading backdrop to suicide. so we should get it out in the open.
Jesus does not hate or punish suicide. His heart is bigger than that. So should ours be.
I absolutely agree that you should share your beliefs, but without comments like "it is a very selfish act" and "ask for forgiveness and mercy". That is judgement, whether or not you want to admit it.
As far as discussing suicide on this forum, it is part of what people with advanced PCa think about when they face a long and very painful death. Vulnerable people will act or not act based on their own situation, not on a post they read and isn't it better they do it in a calm and peaceful way with their families, than alone with a gun? I know of a case of this happening and it is tragic for the family and friends and community. Many times, just having the option is enough and they never use it.
It is fine to provide support and ideas for lessening their pain and advocating for them choosing life on this forum. However, this is a forum that discusses everything that relates to patients with advanced prostate cancer and the discussion of doctor-assisted suicide is apart of that. It is not a large part of the posts but it is an important topic for certain forum members. If it really makes you sad and depressed and you feel you must stop them and shut the discussion down, it might make sense to not read these posts.
This is what I do and it works well for me and may work for you. Good luck to you.
What do you mean when you say "I don't mean to preach?" It seems like you just did.
I didn't say YOU should take the bus to Oregon, Drphil. I wuz just telling the truth about ME and my FAMILY -- just as you recommend.
My attitude is, Jesus H Christ, we've all got terminal diseases, but we should act like it's Lollypop Land?
Speaking of whom, I have zero faith that Jesus is going to come to my rescue, except maybe through a change in consciousness, which I would welcome. Which in truth I am welcoming. Didn't my piece say I am NOT going to take the "easy way out"? Isn't that what you favor?
I would say we are going down a VERY dark road, leading to death, worms, and worse. Our challenge here -- seems ta me -- is to talk about our fears in a manly fashion and not be too pussific about them.
Let's not let the brain melt get to us.
Having said that I do wish you the peace that passeth understanding. Sincerely. I'm sorry you got it and hope you work through it in a way you can bear.
I did apologize for preaching and your not going to get rid of me that easy. I know we are all going to die but every day we get is special in someway, just look for it around you.🍸🍸🤠
Be strong good man . Hang in there .., we will all meet on Gods golden shore ...nobody is getting out of this one alive. Show love only to Rachel .... in the end all is forgiven with peace ..Please write if you can . Hail Cisco!
Maybe will can have a group suicide... Holding hands and jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge naked and singing Suicide Is Painless from Mash. Our partners can take pictures or videos and make some money selling them to the news media. Before we jump we all should get a tattoo on our ass stating "Fuck Cancer".....We have to agree no test jumper, all of us have to jump at the same time....BTW BYOB....
What a great idea. Maybe we can beat Jonestown and get in the Guinness Book of Records. Over 900 naked men jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Let's change that to the Brooklyn Bridge. California has strict anti-littering laws. Why do we have to be naked? Wait a minute. You plan on wearing a little hat that says press and having a huge video camera. Be sure to bring your cane and your Charlie Chaplin pin. I'll bring my Nikon.
If we jump off the Brooklyn Bridge everyone here will think it's just a another wave...As far as breaking a Guinness Book record we could force all of our doctors to participate.....Naked? So we're sure no ones wearing a Mae West under their clothes and also to show off our ass tattoo. I hate wearing that press hat cause people keep pressing on it (hurts after awhile, ya know). I sold my CC pin at a garage sale, it's okay for you to bring Nikon you're 90 day Japanese fiance who we see on the TLC channel (cute guy).
Hi Cisco99 - really don’t know what to say but want you to know that we are in this together and even though we have never met, we will see this through to the end - together -
Suicide is number one item on the minds of md Anderson doctors. First thing you fill out at every appointment is how do you feel about yourself and thoughts of hurting yourself.
That tells me it’s on a lot of peoples minds with cancers of all kinds. Discussion is the only way to stop it. Everyone needs help. It does piss me off that it takes time out of my 30 minutes I get to talk about PC but I understand.
Mine is always in writing. They ask a series of questions. It’s a business thing.
I can tell you that the more I bitch about the fatigue of adt the more intense they push the questions. I also think that is why he put me into intermittent adt.
I think Tall Allen said it the best way. If you are ok with your QOL stay on it. I’m just now understanding how bad I felt on it. As I go into a month off everything I’m waking up. I’m going to have to make a hard decision if I can’t beat the fatigue side effects. I was never able to push myself into the gym as so many say helps.
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Nice to swim a bit though, especially after a nice long ride on a bicycle. 
And I thought I had a full plate-
Thoughts in the night
Dealing with hot flashes
How do you deal with a Partner that is threatened by you illness?
