Recently I've been in a holding pattern, losing my phone literally every few minutes, use it once, lose it, repeat. But aside from that.. no major disasters. Then, I finally decide on a book to read to the end, which is a big deal for me, as I'm always reading ten books at a time and never finishing any. Almost immediately, I lose the book. Oh well, nothing new. Then, yesterday, I get the mail, in there is a check I've been waiting for. I see it and think, I'll deal with that later. Later comes, no check anywhere. I look through the mail, I look everywhere - nothing. I can't understand it, I don't think I even took it out of the stack of mail. The stack is there but it's not. It's absolutely nowhere. Anyway, it was then that I had a moment of enlightenment - I am an utter, complete, hopeless, "dyed-in-the-wool" loser. I might as well face it and stop trying to fight it. If I enjoy something, I lose it. Something is really helpful or beneficial, like that check, I lose it. I radiate loser energy like Pigpen from Peanuts radiates dust. Anything caught in my aura will be lost, especially if it's important to me. As a loser, I am clearly not meant to enjoy anything, succeed, progress, etc like folks do. Some people can't walk, I can't succeed. There's something freeing in that, something validating. I feel like I'm coming out of the closet or something. I'm sick of fighting the current, pretending to be what I'm not, trying to live up to expectations, of trying to be a normal person among normal people. Once I can accept my limitations as a loser, life becomes easier. Keep losing books? Stop reading. No more books, nothing to lose. Problem solved. From now on I'm just going to sit in the corner and stare into space and wait until I lose myself to death or something. I'm even getting T-shirt ideas - "Born Loser" in big impressive block letters. Kind of a warning to people not to get too close, or I'll lose something of yours too. No more ambitions, goals, etc. Done with it all. It only leads to disappointment. No expectations, no disappointments. I could even start a twelve step group - Losers Anonymous. "Hello, I'm ___, and I'm a loser." Along that line, I've made my peace with God. We have an understanding - I hate God, and God hates me. No expectations, no disappointments. Next time I'm in a political argument online and someone says, "You're an idiot!" I'll say, "Damn straight! You don't even know the half of it!" No pride left to defend. I've ground it into the dust with the heel of my shoe. I'm done. Stick a fork in my ass and turn me over, I'm done. For me checking out is not an option, so I'm checking out without checking out. I told my therapist I'm giving up, and she said, "And what does that look like?" I just pointed to myself and said, "Like this." Now, when I face life's challenges, I can lower my head in shame and declare, "I can't do it! I'm a loser !"
I'm giving up: Recently I've been in a... - CHADD's Adult ADH...
I'm giving up
Hello friend. I would love so much to sit with you in person and say “yeah, me too.” Since I’m not there in person, please know that I’ve been there, many days I’m still there. I’m sending you the biggest hug I can imagine. I once lost my car for a week. I thought it had been stolen but I wasn’t sure so I didn’t report it out of shame. So, give up. Give up the guilt, give up the shame, and give up on the true loser: that voice in your head that says you’ll never amount to anything. That voice isn’t you. I know you wouldn’t say those things to someone you care about. So from me to you: you are the only you there’s ever been. In case no one else told you today: I love you.
Are you frazzled by other people when they are having a heavy discussion about what youre doing wrong.....so much so you end up doing something a lil more stupid because you were frazzled?! I have a few times and it was bad for a while. I had to break that cycle and just allow the discussion to go in one ear and out the other or take mental notes till further discussion. ....untill I could better regulate my emotions with the tasks I'm doing at the time. So my awareness of what I was doing became more of a 70 to 30 ratio. And I improved. This applies to anything...like if you are babysitting a small child and you had a thought.... you wanted to do something but you forgot what it was because the child is fussy and took you out of you thought. Just start writing it down as soon as you think about it..... So you can return to it later. Keep your phone in your pocket when you're not using it ....if you don't have a pocket keep it right next to a charger. Dont just throw it down. Lil hacks for ahad'ers. You got this!as far as reading . If you know yourlself well...say I know im not going to read this book, but i might be more likely to read the other one then just get the one you might read and dont worry if you don't read it....because you honestly didn't reallllllllyyyyyy want to. And thats ok!!!
I have been right where you are so many many times. I wish I could say something to help but there is nothing to say other than I go through the same process daily. Keep working with your therapist, maybe a medication adjustment, and find some support in person if you can.
Please don't quit. Start with one small step-do it now. If you need to stop what you are doing to deposit that check, do it. I know it seems to take extra time, but in the long run, it will save time and energy.
Hey friend. I totally get how you're feeling. I throw in the towel on life almost daily. This condition we have is really shitty and it feels like it's always "on" and we can never take a break. Mostly the voice inside my head is a negative one, too....always telling me the effort isn't worth it and nothing will ever change.
There certainly is a lot of relief when we surrender to our condition and stop trying to fight it. That's what I'm trying to learn in managing my ADHD. Reframing our perspective of ourselves is really difficult, especially after years and years of the monologue we have in our own heads that is constantly frustrated and judgmental towards ourselves.
I, too have hundreds of unfinished books, projects, notes and etc in my life. It's so frustrating not to have any motivation to finish things for sure. I won't sit here and tell you to cheer up or to try and change the way you are thinking. Your feelings are totally valid and of course you feel like giving up! Not only does having ADHD suck...but trying to manage it sucks, too! You can't even win when you are trying to get better sometimes.
I've been working on acknowledging and understanding my feelings, rather than trying to change them. That only leads to more anxiety and depression in my case. I've just started my journey in managing my condition, so I have no advice to give but I will say this: I know exactly how you feel and am feeling it myself most days. The only difference is that I'm no longer trying to "fight" ADHD or how my ADHD doesn't fit the cookie-cutter responsibilities of life that I don't seem to fit into.
Hang in there and be kind to yourself. You are not alone.
so, I get it. I feel the same way as you do, today. And, if I’m honest, if the goal is to feel better, to be better, so I can go do a job I hate, then really what is the point of getting better? My dad says: life sucks, and then you die. This seems to sum it up. And, strangely, maybe there is some hope in there somewhere? Life sucks, then we die. And, if dying is not an option then what? Can we possibly make life a
Little
Better
Somehow?
Mmmmkay...
Agreed, so checking out is not an option; so check-in.
Check in with yourself and pay attention to what you're doing in the moment BEFORE you put that thing down and move on to the next thing. Think Atomic Habits -> If it takes 2 minutes or less to do, do it right then and there; don' t leave it for later.
Granted, that's written for normal brains, not us ADHDers, so this is what I decided to do, having been in your shoes for 16 months following Advanced Adult ADHD diagnosis 2 weeks before my 50th birthday. I've gone through almost all my savings, and I've been looking for work NONSTOP for 10 months, and my wife absolutely hates me, etc... I'm only telling you this because I'm in the thick of it currently too. and I never take advice from someone who does not understand ADHD because they don't HAVE IT. All that said, and having established some credibility so you'll want to read on, I just tapped out my capacity for misery, and I'm a life-long depressive/OCD/PTSD/now ADHD, etc. At some point, I actually started not only getting bored by beating up on myself, but the depressive suicidal ideation talk became so toxic that I lost interest in absolutely everything. Absolute zero. Start over. Agreed; checking out is not an option. So how did I start 'checking-in'?
Find your thing. I found mine - In my case, I finally got to where I could get up and do something with my hands: Get that screwdriver and tighten that thing down over there. My wife wants that picture frame painted a different color so it goes with everything in the living room: Micro-project, go to Home Depot, get that can of paint that works perfect or close enough to the EXACT color I'm obsessing about (use it as an opportunity to become what I call a 'content imperfectionist') take it home. If it's too much, paint it tomorrow, if not, go ahead and get it done. She sees it when she comes home, it's drying and she loves the color: Happy wife, happy life. Moving on.
As silly as those examples are, that is what works for me, and I would be nowhere without much better sleep routine, a bit of Rx and vitamins, supplements, diet, exercise, etc. and, most importantly, learning to STOP the negative self-talk. Stamp out those ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) and write a short gratitude list every day. Just learn to stop. Full stop. That's step number one. You'll learn to restart in a better direction by taking that little break and letting it sink in that you were able to simple 'stop' as a starting point. Yes, seriously.
You will notice that all these things will continue to be excruciating. Until they're not. Yes, you'll lose patience with yourself constantly. Until you don't, not 100% of the time. Yes, you'll feel like you're doing better and the next day or a few days later, you'll have a setback and you'll feel like you lost all that ground you gained, only proving 'you're a loser all over again'. You'll continue having those setback, but they will be fewer and further between, and less and less severe.
Yup, been there, done that. And to a great extent, I continue there, but the difference is that for the last 4 months (after those initial 16 where I tried EVERYTHING and nothing was working), I've consistently done two things differently that I'd never been able to do before, until I got several months of sleep/Rx/Diet/Exercise/Vitamins/Supplements, etc. under my belt:
1. Lean into the effort of whatever it is I'm doing and just get it done, no matter how painful
2. Stop focusing on the result; give it up to God, period, and focus on the process and fall in love with the effort. Relish it. Start looking forward to it. Own it. It's yours.
Interestingly, amazingly and paradoxically, I started getting better results on an increasingly consistent basis, no matter the topic or task, AND, crucially, I really enjoy the process of doing more now and I really don't care too much or at all about the result. Wow... Who knew.
That said, I don't care in the moment, but when I wake up the next day (my mornings are horrible; 'not-being a morning person' doesn't even come close to describing it) and I remember the few things in the most recent days that have gone well or better than I expected, then I do care-> I take positive inventory. Never before. Amazing. It gets my day off to a better start within an hour or so of waking up (and taking Rx IMMEDIATELY), and it's also improves my memory, as I remember all those little victories better.
Which brings me to the point: I know that as ADHDers, we are naturally wired to think negatively, no arguments here. Since we're such brainiacs and we try to fix everything with our heads and our thought process, leading with the body and moving, no matter how seemingly insignificant the task (take out trash, do dishes, make the bed, fold clothes, get work done, go out for a walk, work out, swim, lift weights, literally anything that gets you moving, especially up and walking) will jumpstart your brain into a more positive direction.
Your brain will like that and it will want more of that. Wash, Rinse, Repeat -> Rewire your brain to be positively-skewed though physical action first, not philosophically or with pure cognition. Use your body like the tool it is to change your thoughts from the outside in. It works.
You're in my prayers. I suggest you get up, pick up a notebook and a pen and start writing the numbers 1-10 down the margin so you can write your first Gratitude List in what I suspect is a long time. It doesn't matter how simple or little the things on that list are. In fact, it's the little things. Start there. Don't thank me for it; thank yourself for checking In with yourself. Yes, it's going to suck.
...Until it doesn't.
One step at a time. Pity party is now over. Glad you got all that poison out on your post. You've got this, brother.
I guarantee you that in a couple of weeks/months, you'll notice an improvement in your memory and all the other dots will start connecting better and better every day. Yes, you'll have setbacks here and there, but ON AVERAGE, as the weeks and months go by, you will be able to see very clearly the improvement you cannot see every single day. It will come faster than you think and it will take 'forever' at the same time. Graranteed to suck... Until it doesn't.
You're NOT a loser, you're just fighting the wrong fight with the wrong tools. Give yourself some credit and:
1. Start practicing self-compassion so you can in turn,
2. Be completely responsible for your life.
Show this missive to your therapist; see what she says.
Just for fighting this fight, you're a huge winner in my book. Don't let anyone tell you any differently; especially yourself!
Strength and Honor! Godspeed!
this reply has helped me a lot. i’ve been wanting to pull up my boots for years and just get it done and i’d get stuck on “well what does success actually look like then?” this gave me great examples and sparked a lot of good hope. thank you 🙏
Thanks, roogbeer91. I'm glad I'm able to help or at least give some words of encouragement to others in this world, in this case, on this forum and specifically geared to managing Adult ADHD.
I've experienced a setback in the last two days, but I'm putting all I wrote down in practice to help me manage and I'm even encouraged by the "Yes, it will suck... Until it doesn't" bit. It is very true - That much I've learned.
I got a call from my brother two nights ago letting me know that my hugely abusive, narcissistic , depressive, (and quite possibly ADHD) mother is moving into his house under hospice care as she was diagnosed with 4th stage pancreatic cancer and she is refusing all care. She says she's 'at peace' and is ready to go home. That is as may be, but she did inflict on me fairly severe 4 or 5 'Adverse Childhood Experiences' (ACEs) on me along with dear old dad, who was a very violent, lying, adulterous, only-child, alcoholic, and I'm currently dealing with the conflicted feelings of knowing I should be devastated by the news, but rather, being angry at the fact that 'she's at peace' instead. What about me? I have NOT been at peace for a long time, and since this diagnosis, I've come to appreciate how both of them, regardless of genetics, caused me to have ADHD and made it more and more severe every day they were a part of my life until the age of 18 for dad and 39 for mom. I had to compartmentalize our relationship after she made fun of me for 'not being a real man and not understanding what REAL suffering is...' when I was on the phone with her because I was suicidal.
Perfect example: Time to stop.
By putting in practice EVERYTHING I've learned over the last 18 months now, really, I know a few things I did not know before that can help me get back on the rails before I let my ADHD/COPD/PTSD/Depression/Anxiety, etc... take over:
1. I now have tools I did not have before. Use them.
2. Yes, this type of shocking bad news makes it nearly impossible to get going again, it's incredibly unsettling. Point acknowledged.
3. Lean into the effort and give the result up to God
4. Practice self-compassion: Does obsessing about the past, these two narcissists, dead or alive help anything? No. Do I have a family to focus on now instead ? Yes. Redirect.
5. Did I feel like I was going to lose it when I heard the news? Not so much. Did I wake up the next day feeling like my world was unraveling? Yes. Did it suck, completely and utterly, yes. Will it continue to suck? Yes -> Until it doesn't.
6. It's Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer, she's been given 6 months to live and she's refused all care. My brother and I are in agreement that with her weight, sedentary lifesyle, diet, ATTITUDE and behaviors, she will likely pass in 2-3 months, tops. Is there ANYTHING I can do about that? No. Time to be a bit more Stoic and simply move to acceptance.
7. Am I upset that I've had horrible, adverse relationships with both my parents and that this is the second time a parental death will go unresolved / no closure? (When my dad died in 2019 I just got a text via some uncle that the woman he committed adultery with all those years ago (and had a couple of bastard kids - second family) kept his ashes. Done. The text informed my brother and me that he was now on her mantle in ashes after a 2 month protracted death after multiple strokes and all kinds of organ failure, etc. All the pain, no closure. Just drama-trauma. Again. Classic). Yes, I'm upset, but strangely enough, I have practice in this regard so I find myself in familiar territory.
So - Put the tools in place, work my Self-Discipline program in God's name and for MY sake and the sake of my family (wife and daughters, full stop), and I know that eventually I will get to where I am with my dad, where I keep him in my daily prayers and I am much, much more at peace with his side of the picture.
Yes, one of those tools is writing, so apologies for inflicting this missive on you, but as you can read, I need to process some of this stuff. No, I don't have a coach nor a therapist; I have God and prayer and he works much better for me.
To your point on your thankful reply, it is in the telling and in the bearing of our souls that we get to not only help others, but we help ourselves and each other heal. If you've taken the time to read this, I thank you.
This is highly personal and specific, but the main point I'm trying to make is that life happens, no matter what, and it does not ask for permission nor forgiveness. We, as ADHDers, cannot afford to let this disability take over our lives/brains/behaviours/time management skills, etc., because it will. It feeds on chaos and traumatic events like this. Knowing how to come around the other side with ADHD vs the way a 'normie' would is ever so critical.
I've got a 4th and final interview with the CEO of a company next wednesday, and I believe THIS IS IT. I feel relatively confident that I will get the job and I will finally, after 10-11 months of looking for work non-stop, and bearing all kinds of life difficulties along the way, God may finally allow me to start rebuilding my life.
I hope that in some small way, reading this helps you or anyone else stay positive, fight the good fight and lean into that effort, time and again, for good things are coming. We just have to work a bit harder at it than 'normies'.
Godspeed.
Dear Fellow on This Path. First, I've been reading 10 books at a time for years (I'm 75 years old now), and I finally stopped feeling weird about it. I get bored. So what? I have learned tho to stop BUYING books as much as I can, and I was gifted a Kindle so I can check books out from the library on my Kindle. Ergo, no lost books, and it doesn't matter if I finish the book or not - I've got a limited time to read it before it goes back electronically to the library. Interestingly enough, it tends to push me to read faster and read more. As stated above, I want to second the idea of a gratitude list - a fellow Buddhist years ago assigned me the project of doing a gratitude journal and making it an art project, and I've done that for 4 or 5 years now (and I am NO artist!), and yes, I got bored, so I stopped the art journal, but just doing that practice radically changed my brain. I'm much more able to manage my negative thoughts now. AND that doesn't mean I don't still have crises of faith so to speak - faith that I can manage things until I can't. Faith that I am enough. Faith in therapy - I had to quit therapy recently due to a program ending, but this last therapist was the best I've ever had BECAUSE she accepted me for who/what I am and wasn't trying to FIX me, but help me manage things a bit better. I can't take the ADHD meds, so I'm toughing it out without. Managing things is my goal, not changing them or fixing ME. My heart hurt when I read your post, and I just want to - like everyone else - let you know you are not alone. There are some hacks that may or may not help you along the way. But the path itself is sometimes littered with "glimmers" (those small seconds or moments in the day where you feel a tiny bit of joy or peace and contentment) if only we learn to look for them, and love them. There are no losers on this path. We win day by day by just staying alive.....
I am so like this every day. Also working really bloody hard and overtime, picking up on things that are crucial and not picked up by others for years, which contribute to decision making, yet I am being told I am behind everyone else and I am so dam exhausted and burnt out. Completely at a loss, still have not found that sweetspot for medication and feel like giving up every second , it is so frustrating. Yet I know I cannot give up as I have a little one dependent on me and I have to keep going, but all so exhausted, feeling unappreciated and I promise I cannot work any harder. Two years since the diagnosis so many books and podcasts, medication and yet I feel like I just go round in circles.
i have a 6 year old little girl and by golly isn’t that the biggest motivation i have found to date! i want to get better so her quality of life gets better too.
I have those thoughts sometimes. My ptsd has helped me with my afhd symptoms in this way though. When something is important, I do t say “later”, I put it in a place that is helpful, a “home”. Yeah, sometimes I forget where that is, but it’s usually one of 4 places in my house. For paper ones, I usually tack it to the cork board in my headquarters/office. Another place is my dresser.
Hi Tormented555! Very nice to meet you. I loved your rant! I could have written every word, many, many times in my life... or even tomorrow. I think I understand...at the time, it's not funny at all. It's miserable, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Thanks for posting this. It lifts me up just knowing I'm not alone and can relate. It is really nice to meet someone whose mind is right there, open and honest. I see your spirit, and your creativity, friend. I know you will be ok.
Living with ADHD causes problems in ways other's can't understand. Frustration is hard to express, but you did it well. I often feel exactly like this. Sometimes I think the neurotypical types are the one's with the deficit. ... (it's a thought...)
I love your post, so brutally honest. I've felt the way you described so many times. I've slapped myself in the face out of self loathing, punched my head with my fists, contemplated killing myself, ect. sobbed and cried for so many stupid things I've done. Your post also made me feel so sad for you, for me, for everybody with ADHD who is so misunderstood. I can tell you this, I f'ing hate ADHD so much. Thankfully, I've found this forum and feel much less alone in all this. ADHD still hurts but at least I know there are other people out there who really know what I'm talking about. For some reason that makes me feel better.
Know you are not alone,
JLJS
I wrestle with resigning myself to a pit of shame frequently.
I just want to get from point A to point B without the obstacle course of my own creation. I’m 41, and I often think I was a more capable human being at 8 than now.
My folks and a couple friends are pretty supportive , as the condition has been debilitating the past few years. Someone will call, “what are you up to?” ,
“Oh, ya know, walking around my apartment losing things”
And when it gets really bad the shame makes me shut down— I give up— the physical manifestation being laying on the couch under a blanket with the tv on, only getting up for the door dash delivery—for days at a time.
I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that it’s ok to ask for help— even with the smallest domestic stuff. There’s this term called “body doubling”- which just basically means the presence of another person focuses you. So I’ll have my mom come over and she talks to me while I organize my books, put my laundry away. And we’ll laugh— cause being human is absurd.
So that’s my two cents — domestic wing men and laughing— for what it’s worth.
I understand. And the person that posted about the “glimmers”. They’re there— I hang on to them for dear life.
i know how you feel. mine is getting ready for work in the morning. i used to have purses and bags but i kept losing a key item just before i’d head out the door. every morning for years it’s been this way. my husband and i had to carpool for the last 2 years and it’s been eye opening because someone depends on me getting my crap together in the mornings. i wonder if i will “lose” him too. he seems so upset with me and can’t understand why i “make us late everyday.” it’s a huge source of resentment and my biggest regret regarding ADD. my biggest worry is that one day when i get older my forgetfulness will literally send me to an early grave.
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