Giving up old friends after diagnosis? Have you?

[43creatures]

So I'm a male in my 50s, and most of my old friends, friends from high school, are not really nice to me, or even if they think they are they don't seem to have the training to know how to be nice to somebody who asks for any kind of small accommodation, such as bringing a book to go read if they get bored by a situation like hanging out on the beach. I have much younger activity partner friends and they are amazing about mental health and self care so it's quite a contrast. I have known my old friends for going on 40 years now, and I'm supposed to go hang out with them on a boys trip far from home where I will be unable to leave for 10 days, but I think I have to cancel. While I may respond to somebody's needs with love and accommodation, they tell me about how irritating and high maintenance I am and why do I need to be such a pain in the ass, because I want to bring a book just in case I get bored, because boredom is stressful for me. I guess they have always treated me this way, but we met when I was 13 and had nobody and was a lonely and confused teenager. Ive always found it confusing when they were mean to me, but now, being diagnosed, I feel like I know what I need and they will give me the opposite. Ive let them denigrate my needs my entire life, yet it's just so hard to let go, feeling like I'm weak, feeling embarrassed. I have to tell them tomorrow that I'm not coming on the trip and I'm just a bundle of nerves. Has anyone else been through this?

[MisterUnderstood]

I’m sure they’re not bad people but they don’t sound particularly compatible with you, and while you may meet some of their friendship needs it seems that they don’t meet yours.

Also ten days is a long time to spend together isn’t it? I personally would have thought a weekend would be more than enough.

[samami]

I don't know if I can be of much help, I am 60 and recently diagnosed. One thing i've noticed is that I am able to give myself more of a break when dealing with demanding friends (because now I know I have ADHD).

Realizing that i have ADHD, I give myself permission to take better care of myself - for example, by not putting too much on my plate in terms of commitments to friends.

Commit to fewer engagements during the week. Taking shorter trips with friends. On a recent girls weekend , I arrived on Saturday and left on Sunday. So, arriving later and leaving earlier. I was so afraid of the boredom and I was bored, subsequently I became anxious and irritable and over ate. At one point, I suggested a hike - which helped a little.

I also find it harder to keep up with the drinking now that I am older and my age and ADHD give me a major hangover after just a few drinks.

I have let go of friends. I just make up an excuse and don't show up. Sometimes it is my ADHD which helps me to let friends go. Or because of my ADHD, I simply lose patience with them and can't bear to hang out with them for one more second.

Try not to over commit. Give yourself the gift of time to yourself or with people you enjoy hanging out with. I'm always happier if there is an activity involved - usually a hike or walk. I have a drawing group where I have made new friends the last few years.

I say 'I'm sorry, I have a work commitment or family commitment or I'm just not feeling well....' Then, I enjoy my time off.

[Quincie]

Honestly it doesn't make sense that you have to ask permission to bring a book to read. 10 days is a long time to spend on a vacation with others. It is normal to bring a book or 2 to read during such a long vacation. There is always down time & you have every right to withdraw from their company and read for a while if you feel like doing so.

Also you can't expect them to manage your ADHD or accommodate you, treating you like a special case. They have known you for years & see you a certain way. You are responsible for managing yourself & keeping yourself on track & happy in the situation. Eg you might decide to go for a walk & nobody else is interested but you should still do it for your wellbeing.

[43creatures in reply to Quincie]

Yea - they are blocking my ability to self care and denigrating my needs - I cancelled on them and will probably just leave those relationships behind.

[Quincie in reply to 43creatures]

Some old friends are kept out of habit - but they don't offer much anymore. Best wishes going forwards & making new friends.

[Hominid711]

Hi Creatures, it's Hominid, 57, diagnosed 2y ago. Comorbid MDD. It sounds like you are clinging to the notion of 'normal', but there is nothing normal about a bunch of middle-aged men with suppressed worries pretending they haven't all experienced anxious, depressing events by now and are still 13. Maybe there is the odd high-flyer amongst them who thanks to good genes, narcissism or other (questionable) luck has so far escaped life's grinders. Because having been through the mill once or twice at least is on balance of probability the likeliest at your/our age.

I would do one of two things:

If you can't quite let go and curiosity hasn't killed the cat yet use this ?survival skills meet-up to your advantage and make mental health a general, non-threatening topic (pretending to have a friend who has a specific problem is one way of starting) . Sometimes it works and people relieve themselves of their burden one after the other in the group and come out the other end feeling better for it. Most of us, ADHD or not, have developed the capacity to suppress unwelcome sentiments. Men perhaps more than women (?)

Sometimes there is an individual who has such charisma, rhetoric, power over the rest of the group, other surface appeal or has just always been the bully the others slavishly follow and chime in. Dethroning such a person - who undoubtedly will have their own issues - could be interesting. I know it sounds a bit malicious but rather them then you, right?

No structure is 100% stable and allegiances and animosities can shift any time through any outside event or other factor. That way the 10 days could even be rewarding or otherwise a positive experience, and you wouldn't loose a whole bunch of people all at once.

If you decide that's too much or not worth it and late insight means they won't change so keeping in touch just isn't healthy considering the annual emotional rollercoaster, cut them loose and don't go. No need to make it a forever-decision. But try to fill the gap. Join or start a group, men's health or whatever interests you or attend to your other friends, get a partner, have a child, bond with a nephew, a dog, etc.

I've had to let go a few times, and usually, with hindsight, it was for the best. Meeting new people with a better fit later in life is not only possible but so much nicer and fulfilling.

[Mamamichl]

I have had to lose friends due to them not understanding or accepting my symptoms. They just lose out on my hyper focusing and being empathetic.