My Partner and I Cannot Seem to Get on the Same Page with My Son

[cmgod89]

My partner Shawn is more "old-school" and believes in spanking and all that. She also yells a lot at my son and myself. She is older and it makes me feel low and i can only imagine how it makes my kid feel. I know she means well but it is not helping anything. I feel its helping things to get worse especially with my son who we are waiting evaluation results now for adhd. I feel it is adhd. Most of the symptoms are there and it is hard for me to tell her that yelling, spanking, criticizing and all that "back in the day" style punishing is not working at all. She keeps saying hes getting worse and I think it is because we both lose our tempers and yell and get frustrated. I want to change but I feel I cannot do it by myself. I will do something with my son (trying to focus on the positive) even after he has a "bad day" at school and I get grilled for it and my son. She doesn't understand that that "old-school" method is not effective. Shaun thinks he is being defiant, etc on purpose and she gets so upset when I remind her that a lot of what is going on is not my son's fault. She is stuck in her ways and it is tearing me apart, tearing everything apart. I do not know what else to do. Trying to stand up for myself and speak my mind only seems to make things worse. I am not heard and everybody is just ultimately stressed out.

[Gettingittogether]

Oh man, that sounds really hard. You're trying to raise your son with compassion and wisdom and feel that your partner is going in the opposite direction. And yet, when you speak up, tensions rise with your partner. So hard. You must feel stuck and trapped sometimes.

Hang in there.

[BlessedLady]

How old is your son ? Your son has to learn to control his behavior. Having ADHD and/or other impairments is not a free pass for unacceptable behavior. After a certain point spanking is no longer helpful. Puting a child in time out, taking away privileges like video games, tv, playing with friends, etc are better for older children.

[notanotter]

Oh gosh, that's so challenging.

While a child needs (and craves) boundaries, they aren't developmentally able to manage emotions the way an adult can. Some kids can develop slower or differently than others, and these delays can be frustrating. Your partner doesn't seem to understand this.

Also, my understanding is that when kids get hyper or angry or act out, they're using the tool they have to communicate. Parents and educators can help them learn to "use their words." But the best way kids learn is by example. Tell your partner that.

Ahem: Yelling and criticizing are not "back in the day" parenting, they're just parents losing control of themselves. This can be frightening and damaging to kids if it happens regularly or without apologies and improvement.

(You might want to ask in the CHADD HealthUnlocked community for ADHD Parents - CHADD's ADHD Parents Together.)

[Knitting20projects]

I’m wondering if your partner would be willing to watch a video from ADDitude about ADHD? Honestly, my husband & I were both raised that way, too (ages 52, 50). It was enraging to see our son appear to deliberately defy our instructions, requests, etc. My husband especially was absolutely furious at our son and took years to accept that he (son) really didn’t have the tools/skills/executive functioning to do better in the moment. He still struggles more than me to accept that sometimes our son’s autism (not saying your son has autism here) also causes him to behave in very baffling and stressful ways.

Next, I’m actually a pediatrician in addition to a mom of 2 kids who both have ADHD & autism, so I work overtime daily to stay patient and understanding. The biggest thing I have learned, not from a book, but from therapy with my kids and experience parenting them, is CATCH THEM BEING GOOD. Any time they do something well, no matter how small or inconsequential it seems, i point it out using clear descriptions of the behavior. Instead of, “good job”, I say, “Good job having a calm body and calm talking voice during my phone call so I could hear” etc. Or “great work using your words to say you were upset instead of your body! “ etc. Kids with ADHD, ODD, ASD, etc hear so much negative feedback all day long. They really need to be praised for doing anything right. Also it helps protect their self esteem.

My other recommendation: subtract 3 years from your child’s age, then apply the expectations of behavior for that age to your child. Our son is 12 and scores very high on academic tests, but asks me to help make his bed, fold clothes, etc. He can do these things, but he definitely seems to need more reassurance that he’s doing them right. He also just can’t do the same level of chores etc another 12 year old can. He gets overwhelmed, forgets about some, gets upset, etc. When I lowered my expectations, he succeeded & he was really proud. Be sure your kiddo gets chances to feel successful. Best wishes—-my husband and I used to cry every Sunday night because we were so exhausted, before he got diagnosed and started medication and we got some parenting education.

[STEM_Dad]

You and your partner definitely need to be able to talk about it, but if she won't, then consider this approach: Take the lead on disciplining your kids.

Enact what you consider to be a better way to discipline your kids. Keep it "age-appropriate", adjusting your expectations down by about 3 years (as mentioned in another response).

Keep in mind the following:

* Consequences should be as close in time to the child's behavior as possible. Delayed consequences only confuse the child.

* But wait until the child has settled down enough to be receptive. When a child is "out of control", their emotions are in such a heightened state that they will not be able to process what's going on. If possible, put them on a timeout spot (it may be impossible for them to actually sit on timeout in such a state).

* Always act from the love that you have for your children and your partner. Remember that your goal as a parent is to bring your children up in the best way you know how.

* You will be flustered and frustrated at times, so sometimes you will need a timeout more than your kids do.

There have been a number of times that I had to just walk away and calm down (and by then, it was too late to discipline my young child, but there was still a chance to give the lesson by saying something like:

"When you did X, I felt Y, and it made me upset, so I had to walk away." Then I would explain (in age appropriate terms) why their behavior was wrong, and what would be better.

(I'm not a perfect parent. I've had plenty of regrets, like times I've been a bit more harsh than in intended. For a long time, I also tended to lecture my kids as if they were much older than their actual years.)

-----

Another thing to consider is that ADHD has a strong inheritable component. Since you're on this forum, my guess is that you have ADHD. Perhaps your partner also has ADHD.

Also, it is said that "children learn what they live". Your partner probably grew up with even more stern discipline than she delivers. Whenever she responds towards the kids in a way that you appreciate, tell her so, genuinely.

TL;DR-

Model the behavior that you want to see. With both your partner and your kids, encourage the positives that you see in their behavior.

[Knitting20projects in reply to STEM_Dad]

So true about talking to kids at level higher than they are. It’s so hard not to do this!!!! Our son is very intelligent and we spent years baffled as to WHY he struggled so mightily with things that seemed so obvious. But skills aren’t always even, and I could memorize the urea cycle but still don’t understand the Monty Hall problem no matter how many times my husband explains it 😂😂😂

[STEM_Dad in reply to Knitting20projects]

It's especially challenging when the kids have a higher than average vocabulary for their age. But it's one thing to use advanced language, and another thing to understand at a more mature level.

I was that kid who seemed to be more mature than my peers, because I could speak well (advanced use of words and grammar), and was knowledgeable about things (facts and history and science)...but I was socially behind my peers.

* I was always a bit ignorant of the social order in school, behind on current events and trends that were important to my peers, and definitely a bit naive most of the time.

* I was "academically advanced", but "socially behind".

...So, I totally get that concept to think of a kid with ADHD as 3 years younger than their age. (But I still misjudged my kids' understanding, because they talk so well for their ages.)

Then again, they have all been very precocious, but each in different ways.

[Betsy74]

spanking is not old school parenting, it’s abusive behaviour.

[2Tuxboy4 in reply to Betsy74]

I agree!

[Hominid711 in reply to Betsy74]

Agree! You have to stop that somehow or call social services/police. If you don't you're also culpable in the eyes of the law which will have consequences. And with the yelling on top etc sounds like your spouse needs to see somebody! Those three, verbal, emotional and physical abuse can't be separated in your partner but it's clearly more than normal parental exasperation. I feel for your child. I wish we had had child protection when I was a kid. It also potentially leaves a lot of damage behind in your son. Sorry but I mean it. As a parent you have to stand up for him and show backbone.

[2Tuxboy4]

Your child is more important then your partner. You all need counseling. If that cannot be arranged get legal advice. Your son is suffering. Get him the real help he so desperately needs.

[New-Diagnosis]

Family counseling focused on parenting skills and understanding and changing your relationship dynamics may help you all a lot. Patterns are hard to break. If your partner won't go, you can, ideally with your son. Or you can do individual counseling to learn how to manage the situation and make whatever changes you can + get support for how tough it is. My husband and I have had a similar struggle with parenting styles (he would jump in and try to spare our now-young-adult daughter with ADHD from any struggles -- leaving her w/out some essential life skills -- & I used to lose my temper and be harsher than I should have)-- and it's had a negative impact on our relationship. We're still together, but I wish we'd worked out those issues while our daughter was young, for all of our sakes.

[Blue_186281_red]

look up conditioning, pavlov's dogs, "intermittent negative reinforcement." Your partner's behavior is the best way to INCREASE negative behaviors and withdrawl. Honestly, it was "old fashioned parenting" that effectively estranged me from my parents by the age of 13. I stuck around physically because they generously supported me financially, but it wasn't until I had kids at 35 that we had any sort of relationship. It was too late.

Anyway. Positive reinforcement is always more effective. Doubly so for ADHD. "more bees w/ honey" like they say.

This is OLD science. If you don't have the time to learn via youtube/google then I'd go to your local community college, find a Intro to psych teacher, and see if they sell a syllabus with some basic literature on behavior modification. But once you feel comfortable, I'd guess watching some quality youtube videos with your partner is the best way to broach the subject.

look up gamification too. can't just stop beating the kid. gotta replace it w/ something.