My husband was diagnosed with ADHD months before I was, but I started treatment much sooner and have made more progress. Both of us were 37 at the age of diagnosis. I've always coped better with my symptoms-- with a lot of effort I can meet deadlines, create some structure, pay attention to other people, and be considerate of their needs. He is almost incapable of these same things, and it has become a disaster for us since our child was born 5 years ago.
Even though he sees a therapist and psychiatrist, is taking Adderall and Lexapro, the only change I've seen in him is that he can pay attention to what I say well enough to go on a tangent about something related to what I've said (when before he would start in with something unrelated).
I suspect that he's not forthright with the people who treat him-- he's conflict avoidant and a major procrastinator. But he also doesn't have natural consequences in places other people might, because he finds his job stimulating, and has an office with flexible hours so no one at work cares that he goes in at 10 and ends at 7. So I have struggle to create structure by myself that I need for my more conventional job while also having to do childcare.
I feel like I'm married to the most pleasant, clueless asshole on the planet-- he has a gentle demeanor but cannot remember anything I ask him to do and repeats the same harmful behaviors over and over. I need him to pick up our child at a certain time so I can do something important-- he is always late. I ask him to take over a chore so I am not doing so much--- he will do it poorly. He truly doesn't seem to be doing this on purpose, so I think he needs some change in treatment. But I don't know what to say to him to get it through his head that this is not working.
My friends have suggested that I consider separation or divorce, but I'd like to try something else first, because my life would be exponentially harder as a single parent with not much income and no family support. I feel trapped. Are there any resources you can suggest for helping with this? We've had heart-to-hearts about this in the past but nothing seems to change.
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Southpaw
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Your husband needs to feel there is a problem and desire to create change. Honest and open communication is critical.
Adderall doesn't work for everyone. Same with Lexapro. There are a ton of different drug options out there. My drug journey took about 2 years, and is minimally helpful. Luckily the are lots of other tools. Drugs don't fix everything.
If you can find couple's counsellor that has an emphasis on ADHD, that could be helpful.
Books (most can be listened to for free witha library card and Libby app... While commuting/walking the dogs, etc):
The couples guide to thriving with ADHD
The drummer and the great mountain
Nonviolent communication
The subtle art of not giving a fuck
7 habits of highly effective people
Overall, the desire and drive to change for himself and his family has to come from him.
I agree with the other commenter that couples counseling with and ADHD lens would be useful for improving communication lines, but also, the gold standard for ADHD treatment is meds, education, therapy, coaching.
After he understands how important it is to improve based on how it's affecting you, it will be important for him to learn how ADHD specifically affects him and work with a coach, even for a short time, to make small changes.
This is not even remotely overnight work. This will take time and feel like not a lot of progress is being made to begin with. An open, gentle space where he can learn to articulate where things are going awry is super important.
I don’t have a specific suggestion but just wanted to sympathise with you… my husband and I also have ADHD and I often catch myself imagining how overwhelmed I’d be if we have a child.
Perhaps I can contribute by saying that we did make huge improvements with house chores divisions not by framing them as an ADHD issue but as a gender one. What you’re going through is the kind of thing that happens with most ht couples, though ADHD makes it considerably worse - most women take on extra administrative work at home while most men are willing to “help” or follow some instructions, even if poorly, without actually feeling responsible for the task, let alone planning them. Although ADHD gets in the way, no pill can solve this. It might help to talk about it (perhaps with a therapist) and divide responsibilities instead of delegating occasional tasks.
Btw this podcast episode helped my husband connect with some of these matters a bit more, so it could be a good conversation starter:
We actually agreed on tracking for a few days everything each of us did or planned in terms of chores. The imbalance was tangible. These were difficult conversations, but very important to get where we are now.
Something that came to mind is that he might really benefit from professional coaching once you agree on a regular division of chores and how they should be done. Ideally, a coach could help him structure his schedule every week with realistic time slots and calendar reminders to "leave work to pick up child" at the right time, "do x house chore for 1 hour" or monthly "check if child needs new clothes" and so on, as long as you don't step in to cover for his faults. It wouldn't solve all the unpredictable things that happen in life with children, but might be a big improvement... Making him realise what's at risk is just a first step, but you do need a practical approach to make it happen. I think there are some threads about coaching here or at aadduk.org/help-support/coa... Hope this helps
The other thing you could try is going to see someone together at this point. A person who is looking in from the outside, a relationship counsellor, a mediator, a friend of yours. Someone who doesn't get emotionally involved.
Then remember, things can quickly get polarised in relationships. He may have in parts become like that because you do so much/much more. So try to do less, look away, let the chores stay undone, let it affect him, bother him, etc. Tricky when chore involves child but not undoable. Sure there is a lot of literature out there. This is not just an ADHD thing! It may be you have let him get away with it worrying too much it might be or putting it down to ADHD because subconsciously you want to avoid confrontation or anger build up. Because you like harmony or maybe you are afraid it could escalate and you may end up on your own.
But hey, you’ve got a son. And he is already 5. And single mums are hot ;^)
hey Southpaw- it sounds like your husband manages his ADHD well- specifically in the fact that he acquired a job that fits his neurodiverse adhd brain vs trying to fight it and learn life hacks to fake having a neurotypical brain.
you manage your adhd by struggling so hard to learn skills to force your brain to be neurotypical. lots of adhd folks try that- how miserable.
do u think he doesnt do household chores up to your preferred standards because he has adhd? lol adhd has nothing to do with it. do you think his adhd is “ treated correctly” when he decides to do life the way you want it done?
i suspect no amount of heartfelt talking nor medication will prompt your husband to do life the way you personally want it done.
i agree with what another peer said to you- the chores n childcare and division of labor are an ongoing gender issue that is really being openly discussed today. all of us working moms and could probly talk for hours on the issue. but again, its not an adhd issue- adhd prob just causes us to be more pissed off about it
about picking your child up late- are you saying that he was like so late that the school staff decided he was abandoned and called the police??? or did he just roll up 5 min late and the teachers n principle were concerned and you were embarrassed? being late to pick up a child doesnt seem like a huge deal. i think we have all been late for stuff like that. buses are late sometimes, etc. its a part of life. if your child wasnt unsafe, then why was it such a big deal to you?
your husband does have natural consequences for his behavior- you are dissatisfied with him as your husband. thats a huge natural consequence.
i know you are frustrated , bc thru your lens- im sure it seems like he just floats by while you do all the legwork…. but im thinking thats not gonna be a healthy perspective that will ever bring harmony to your family.
wtfadhd, I can appreciate some of what you are saying in terms of how my interpretation of events may be coloring how the rest pans out. That is useful for me to hear, although I would have rather heard in a way that didn't fill in the blanks about my family situation, or attack me. I had to take a breath and give you the benefit of the doubt to pay attention to the helpful aspects of what you were saying. Did you reply in order to help me because you care, or were you taking an opportunity to lash out at a stranger to release some personal frustrations?
A lot of women with parters with ADHD are dismissed as being overly controlling or picky and not letting things go that are "no big deal" because other people call them gender role issues and assume that the woman is being over critical. I know I am part of the problem in my marriage, but I'm not the whole problem. And one part of the problem is that I have a partner who I cannot count on to do what he volunteers to do, offers to do, and agrees to do, at least 50% of the time. I felt that you assumed that it's my fault for asking the person I married to take a responsibility off my plate, assumed that the vague example I gave was probably an overreaction on my part and not really a big deal... all I can say is that there is a wide range of problematic behavior between a one-time five minute late embarrassing, and active child neglect, and that it doesn't have to be the latter to be a legitimate problem.
Dear Southpaw, I'm new to this site and I hear you. This comment resonated with me, "A lot of women with partners with ADHD are dismissed as being overly controlling..."
I am married to a man with inattentive ADHD. Only recently have I begun to realize how severely inattentive he is. My husband was diagnosed at 58 years of age and it took everything in my power to get him on Vyvanse to level him some what.
I find myself having to repeat what I'm saying, giving multiple examples or finding other ways to get points across. It is frustrating and exhausting because he doesn't grasp what I'm saying. He looks at me like a deer in the headlights.
The worst part is that my husband will also try to blame me for the things that he does. The other day, he left the garage door open. He said, "WE left the garage door open." No, "WE" did not. The blame shifting and defensive responses that he has are toxic and a complete turn off.
To the rest of the world, my husband is a funny, care free guy. I on the other hand am seen as rigid and controlling. What they don't see is me making sure my husband does not go to bed and leave our patio door, front door or basement door open.
If we're in Costco, I'm trying to get out of the store door without him spending several hundred dollars. My husband is an impulsive shopper (Amazon, golfing, fishing etc.).
Last year, he made a large purchase and didn't even bother to get an independent check to make sure the item actually worked (it didn't). I tried to get him to take it to an independent review before the purchase, but, he said I was nagging him (his impression) and he shut me down. I know my frustration is through the roof and that my responses aren't always helpful. I'm sad, tired, frustrated and constantly on alert for the next "thing" that he does. I love my husband, but his poorly managed ADHD is hurting our marriage.
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