The effects of ADHD on my self image

[sibireaman]

I was diagnosed with ADHD at a very young age, I write this when I am 22, after 5 years of intense anxiety and depression and a search for what was going on, what is wrong with me, and many therapies and steps out of my comfortzone, I have deeply realized what is going on. I deeply deeply feel that I am not good enough, and this is because when growing as a boy with adhd, I got scolded alot by different adults. I got send to a special school for a few years, when I went back to normal school I got special treatment and the other kids treated me weird. In highschool I had a personal mentor etc. At the same time It would be hard for me to do anything like working etc because I was afraid and at this age did not have self knowledge or motivation to go do things, instead I started to smoke weed from 15 till 19 which heavily damaged my brain and strenghtend my anxiety. Now I am 22 and around me I see people my age party, have friends have jobs, hobbyies and be productive. where as I am constanly telling myself how shitt I am that I struggle so much with these things and part of that is because I feel inferior, when I am at school I have anxiety and feel very nervous because I feel so inferior to them. its a vicious cycle. Does anyone know how to escape this, I cannot love myself I write in a map everyday that I lovemyself etc but I dont, I write in another map things im gratefull for but it doesnt really help. Does anyone know any book or video or anything that may help me with this?

[Gettingittogether]

Sorry to hear of your pain. I'm thinking you could benefit from finding a great therapist and starting on building your life. Probably need years to do that (that's fine--I was not long in therapy for 9 years--and it was amazingly helpful! ...

The problem is when we feel isolated and alone and if we don't have many friends and if we think multiple things are malfunctioning in our lives, it's hard to know where to start, when to start, what "starting" should even be. It's hard to prioritize and focus.

Therapy/counseling can help all of that. But it has to be someone really good who you really really like.

Also in addition, finding some kind of group therapy group in person or online could work. But I'd get to therapy first.

[Zuku42]

Hiyas, sibireaman! And welcome to the community, I'm glad you're here.

It sounds like you're having a tough time and searching for some relief. There's a lot to consider with what you're talking about, so I'll try not to TL;DR. I want you to know that you're not alone in the frustrations you're going through. I imagine it was a confusing and alienating experience to be transferred between schools and unfairly treated afterward. These things can be really tough to let go of when we start saying them to ourselves.

(Discaimer: the following is strictly opinion from me) I don't think that you should beat yourself up and assume that you broke your brain on drugs because you partook of marijuana. While I definitely would discourage weed use before the 20's, I don't think that it's likely to have destroyed your ability to use your mind. We have a tendency to hang onto things and over-associate them when taking responsibility. The primary risk of weed in youth is really emotional. Weed can pacify you so that you don't engage your emotions as much, which is part of why one smokes but isn't the best at an age when you're establishing so much about yourself. They play up the brain stuff because teenagers care a lot less about emotional health. (I'm sure it can affect the brain a little but I doubt anything like you're imagining)

I'm really glad you're here though and it sounds like you're very smart and trying everything in your power to understand yourself and your situation. Take a minute and let yourself breathe, think clearly about what can help - your thoughts are part of that. Coming here is great too!

You asked about help and I agree with Gettingittogether that a therapist is a great resource. Also, check out CBT (one book for it is Cognitive-Behavior Therapy for Adult ADHD). It helps you incorporate your thoughts and take control of cycles like the one you mentioned. It's specifically a skill to help you understand, break and re-forge those cycles to your advantage, plus it's super interesting. It's something many therapists are able to help you practice, but you can make progress on your own too. Don't be discouraged if it takes some time to find a therapist (assuming you want to), a good one is worth it. If you're interested, CBT is available as soon as you learn a bit about it! I'm no expert but feel free to send me a message if you have questions =D

I'm sending you some happy thoughts!

[MemphisAdhd1988]

You are not alone. At 46, I am struggling with some of the same things. Please read my bio for more information about me. I hope it helps.

[Nicolai41]

Hey, just wanted to show my support and also and let you know I’m the kid on the other side of using weed to self medicate. Used weed a lot in my early 20’s. Age 25/27 I stopped (41 now). I’m fine the other side so in my opinion you’re be fine. Just one of our little blips that we go through, that we manage 😃.

Im also learning to rebuild my self image - community, lots of self help tools and therapy are all leading me to where I want to get to. My first ever self help book/ audio was the power of now - still one that helps lift me when I’m in some dips.

[G7BK]

I'm the same, and I understand.

Life is about learning, thats all it is. I wished I knew that back then, that the things i am not coping with today will be tiny and often forgotten in the future. just like cleaning your teeth, it was once hard, the same goes for people skills, happiness, everything, work out what needs changing and change. Its not easy to start but growth comes from uncomfort; its time to learn something new, thats all.

I smoked way too much weed from 12 - 19 had a complete episode that left me terrefied, i haven't touched it since, i blamed the drugs for 20 years, but now i'm older in my 40's, I think differently, because i have learned to. I haven't 'matured' out of it, just read more books, had more therapy, i doubt your brain damaged, i smoked a lot! and im the same now as i was before I smoked although at the time i was very worried. Your problem is simple, it's in-balance, thats all.

Most people stop developing when they leave formal education. don't be that person, be a person that never stops learning about your job, about your life, about everything you encounter and everything you want to do, even if its becoming a weed farmer; and never say, 'this is me now', because why would it be, thats false; parts of your brain are designed to work thousands of years ago not now, it will often tell you the wrong thing. Years ago my weed may have been spiked but was probably adhd and my brain going mehhh, enough what are we doing, where are we going? but the language of the body is not verbal but feelings. We get lost without a map thats all.

The truth is my life wasn't going anywhere. the weed just amplified it into the open.

A quick fix, exercise mate, seriously it will lift you out of that place, i just wished i knew this back then, buy a bike, run, gym anything fun. or go on anti depressants for a time and get therapy and some cbt or whatever is available, its not a big deal nearly everyone i know has done it, don't slog it out like I did, Although that did lead to me screaming enough and fighting my way out of it, getting faith, going to uni, girlfriend, career etc, sometimes you need to look into the abyss and say, NO, not now and not ever and run in the opposite direction.

My problem is i often only do things im motivated to do. So whats your motivation?

I have been up and down over the years with body stuff, meh, whole of life image! People will disagree with me, but, sometimes reality needs facing. I had a problem with my looks, money, friends etc, and it got much better when i did something about it, the worry is adhd probably, but the thing your worrying about, maybe, maybe not, just needs sorting, and thats your answer maybe? When I lost my belly from stopping most carbs and exercised at a sport i now love I have no issues infact im proud of my body. But the thoughts keep coming especially when im tired. so regualr guided or just normal meditation helps me to remember to love myself and be grateful for this body as its more advanced than anything i can buy, so i look after it.

Also sorry this is a bit ranty, i feel like im reliving my past a bit. When you start doing things you want to do and love you meet others who are doing the same thing, and you surround yourself with support without knowing it, it was so hard but i had to just walk from the people I loved in my life who were dragging me down. But good, positive, energised people will build you up always and celebrate the things that do you good.