16 year old losing too many friends

[lilyana1]

Just looking for advice on how to help my 16 year old adhd daughter who has great difficulty with sustaining friendships.. She has, over many years, been able to make only a few friendships, but after several months, she is invariably rejected by her friends... I think that it is because she gets overly silly, and loud at times, becoming annoying to friends.. I don't know if I should brooch the subject with her, or,if, by doing so, will cause more upset, and hurt than she is already feeling... She refuses to go to counseling.. Thank you for any advice!!

[Shamasamdrew]

First and foremost, I’m so sorry your daughter is going through this. I have watched my son be rejected many times and it for sure has caused heartache for him and me over the years. To answer whether or not to address it with her, having a conversation with her about it framed by a mother’s heart would definitely be gentler than what she is likely experiencing from her peers.

Having social challenges is definitely a part of having ADHD. It really would be best to get her some support to teach her how to take the perspective of others so she will find herself more accepted. I know you said she was uninterested in counseling, but would she be interested in going to a speech pathologist or social worker who has training in teaching social skills to children with ADHD? Maybe changing the type of professional she sees might be more agreeable to her.

Also, there are many self help workbooks you can give her that might be helpful. You can do them with her if she is open. Also, I find myself learning a lot of the techniques so I can coach my son.

Wishing you the best as you go with her on this journey.

[lilyana1 in reply to Shamasamdrew]

Thank you so very much for your insights and suggestions! I am also very sorry that you and your son have suffered through many years of his social rejection.. I did have my daughter in counseling for many years, until she was about 9 years old.. She is also adopted from China, which adds another layer of early trauma to the mix... I think that she, " burned out," from therapy, even with a behaviorist, or an OT... I do have an excellent self-help workbook that we have used in the past, which I will ask her to use with me again... That might be a great starting point to hopefully lead to some meaningful discussions about her social skills and relationships with her peers...God Bless and Best of luck to you and your son...

[anirush]

This is pretty common for kids with ADHD. My daughter, whose kids I help to raise, has never had many close friends. She is sometimes dumped but it is often her getting upset with perceived slights. Pointing it out may make her more self conscious.

Role playing helps - what would you do if so and so says or does this.

My one grandson has severe anxiety and a counselor asking him what is the best and worse that could happen when a situation with friends he was unsure about helped.

The right counselor can make all the difference. I know from experience they sometimes just don't relate.