Trying to figure myself out.

[mmand223]

Hi, I'm fairly new to this website, but saw people helping each other with mental health and thought I could ask some questions.

I really do feel like something is wrong with me, but whenever I read some kind of diagnosis, I feel I don't perfectly fit. I guess I'll just say all of my issues with myself, and hopefully, someone will feel the same way or help me understand these issues so I can be properly diagnosed.

I guess I feel the one thing I know about myself is that I have anxiety, and seasonal depression. I had a short encounter with a therapist, but I feel it wasn't working that great... anyways, those are the two things I know for sure. I'm not sure if the following fits under those categories, but here's everything. I'm always afraid of how people perceive me, and I constantly judge my body and appearance. I always feel like my loved ones are going to die, for example, if my sister goes on a trip on a plane without me, until I hear she lands I'll think about how the plane will crash and she won't make it. I even think about death happening to me, thinking someone will come and kill me while I'm home alone, or that I'll get into a car accident and never come home.

Another issue I have is with hygiene. Its strange, I'm only picky about certain parts of my body, like I don't feel the need to always wash my hands, but i constantly clean my ears, pick at my teeth, scrub my face and fix my hair, and take a knife to my foot so it'll look the way I want it to. This is the most confusing to me, as I don't feel like I HAVE to do all this, but I feel I really really want to.

I also have chronic pain, so of course, that comes with depression from feeling I'm never going to live a day without pain. That I can understand.

I also always think I have these bizarre conditions when I have rarely any evidence to back it up. I once had an unexplained bruise on my leg and was genuinely convinced for a couple of days I had cancer. This has happened multiple times with multiple different 'conditions'. I also obsess over looking up mental disorders and sometimes wishing I had some so I could gain pity from my friends and family... I know I don't have them, but I wish I did. I know its wrong, but I can't stop it.

Lastly, I have some major jealousy issues. Any time people I know get together and I see it through social media or word of mouth, I feel physically ill and dizzy, feeling like I'm going to barf. I get so sick thinking they're out without me, enjoying their time together. Even just typing this is making me sick.

I know this is a lot, and I don't even know if this is what this platform is typically for, but I really need help. If I can figure all of this out, I can further help myself. Any advice would be amazing. Thank you!

-M

[Natsteveo]

Hello mmand223

Welcome aboard!!! This is a very friendly and caring community you have come to the right place

And believe me your not alone all your symptoms relate a lot to me too when I first got anxiety and depression

Mine started 15 +years ago when I lost my grandfather got even worse when I sadly lost my mum..

Your anxiety sounds to me more health anxiety than generalised anxiety with health anxiety its a fear of death or harm happening to yourself or your loved ones with health anxiety its a question of "what if this...what if that" abd you end up getting yourself in such a state you tend to actually believe it...with anxiety and depression you do tend to pick up little habits and concentrate on certain areas to clean I got overpowering in constantly hand creaming my hands and I to would be constantly sorting out my feet too I still do it now even after my doctor diagnosed me I still do it my dr says I have ocd in body cleanliness because of my health anxiety...have you been to your doctors just yet you need a diagnosis firstly before you can deal with what you have to deal with on a daily basis ..medication short term or long term helps hugely mabe a quick trip to your doctors would be a start for you...

Your jealousy is normal for someone with anxiety and depression but rather than it affect you so badly try not to let it because jealousy is horrible on its own it turns people into people they are not normally..and it also tends to push people further away from you than closer to you...you have enough to deal with at the minute so deal with your big situations first so a doctors appointment is a must hope this helps you even a small amount here if you need to talk

Nat

[mmand223 in reply to Natsteveo]

Thanks so much for the response, it helps to know I'm not completely alone in this :). I'm going to try and go to a doctor soon! Thanks again.

[Jacquelinechristina]

Anxiety is awful l have it l live with the flight fight feeling l find going out of one house and feeling at peace and a at from the fears living in a house does

[TruthSi72]

Hi @mmand223

Just read this post and wondered how you were getting on?

S