how to cope with spouse depression....

[msmyth337]

Hi never done this before but just need to say it out loud. I have been married 24yrs & have 2 children (7 & 5yrs) 7yr old has special needs which has put a huge strain on our relationship. My husband depression has got worse due to lots of issues with my son school etc. He recently lost his job due to excess time off, but he is having counselling & is trying. Its just so hard waking wondering what mood he in today & I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, he keeps saying its not me its him, but he can be so distant & my head is all over the play. Its first time Iv'e dealt with depression & not handling it very well, I know he not trying to hurt me, but I feel so lost & worried my marriage is over. My husband says he doesn't want to separate, but if he still like this in 6 months I'm not sure what if we make it & what the future holds. Iv'e also got the stress of working, which the depression is starting have an effect on me as my mind is else where. I'm also looking after the house, but he will at least look after himself & kids. Sorry just wanted to vent as my husband talks to our friends about how he feeling & I don't want to add extra pressure or get them to take sides...

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I've been through this - started about 2004 and aged about 40. It's when something comes long that is too big to deal with it starts to dominate, becomes as obsession and threatens your life, believe me it is that serious. Men I think are more susceptible than women at this age, it might be something to do with the conversion of the mind from thinking as a young person does to thinking and acting as an old person does, I think women are mentally stronger actually.

In my case it was a particularly nasty affliction that started in all off, which I still have until this day. In your husband's case it seems less severe but enough to have knocked him off his feet.

He is doing the right thing, looking after himself and the kids though really he needs to add the house domestics to take the pressure off (tidying/washing/shopping/cooking) you and also build his own confidence/endurance etc, getting in a routine is excellent and he is doing useful things, all be it not earning cash for the moment. That's exactly what I did, I battled the affliction for 6m at work and then had no choice but to stop and go on anti depressants - I was off work then for 6 weeks and returned to work on a shorter week of 25 hrs for a while. During that time I became very domesticated.

Is you husband on medication? I take citalopram but it takes about a month to start working.

So your husband needs to get the foundations rebuilt in his life, the previous 'house' has effectively been destroyed and a new one needs building, destroyed in a short time and takes much longer to rebuild - but the new one will be a lot tougher. He needs to allow his endurance to grow, he might have a lot of low level suffering but the thing is to keep DOING, though rest is also needed. If he he really struggling then he needs just go slower, much much better to do a little rather than nothing. I have always found you can do what you need to, all be it in great discomfort/pain at times - he needs to learn all this in his own way.

Part of his recovery will involve finding a way around the thing that has come to him - what makes us depressed is we try everything in our mind to find an answer but there IS NONE to start with. He'll just have to wait until that starts to come to him, it can be a cobbled/feeble solution but once it arrive the burden will lift considerably, we then start to feel hard pressed as opposed to being totally overwhelmed and effectively without hope, there is a massive difference here.

So from your perspective, do your best not to get on to him, that will then help his recovery, but you will feel frustrated I'm afraid, you'll need all your patience.

You sound a strong person to me and you will have the strength to stay at work and provide, my wife did. After a time your husband will want to get back to work, how long that is I don't know, it took me 6 weeks - after than though some months later I had a couple of weeks off again.

Marriage I'm afraid is something we all have to work at and is a hard road as you know

If he or you want to have a personal word then by all means send me a message

cheers for now, look forward to see what happens

Rich