I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I have depression. The first time I was really down was around 4-5 years ago when I first cut. When I did it, it felt good and I felt so much better, I actually smiled. I can’t remember exactly what triggered the bad feelings; maybe turning into a teenager and all the raging hormones…I don’t know. But what I can remember is sitting in my grandparent’s room lying next to my sleeping granddad and scratching at my wrist so hard it bled. I think we found out again that my granddad’s cancer had come back and maybe some stuff was going on at school. But I’m not sure.
Fast forward to just turning 16 last year and I think that’s when it started again. I didn’t notice at first but it just got progressively worse. I noticed more this year; during exam time I was so stressed I couldn’t sleep, I was missing days of college and had a constant tension headache. But now even after exams, I feel completely worthless. It’s like there’s a million different voices in my head worrying about millions of different things at one time. So many things are running through my head I can’t even tell my parents what’s wrong when I’m sat in their room crying my eyes out. I’ve always been a worrier. For as long as I can remember I’ve overthought every situation and I still obsess about things that happened or things I’ve said years ago that were and still are juvenile and ridiculous.
I want to cut again - I did scratch and to get everyone off my back I said I burnt myself on a pan, I’m a bit clumsy and supposedly a bad cook - it’s like there’s an ache underneath my skin. Like the blood is singing to be let out; like I shouldn’t be here anymore. I don’t think anyone would miss me, my mum gets annoyed whenever I’m in a mood and I try to explain I don’t know what’s wrong. I know she has her own problems but I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to be here.
I went to the doctors and they told me to get in touch with our school councillor but what good is that when we’re on summer holidays? I want to go back but I think I’m scared that everyone will find out and blame me for putting strain on my parents - like my mums friend did on my own birthday - and think I’m just an attention seeker. I’ve always been painted as the smart and responsible one and I feel bad to do anything because I feel like I’m a burden on everyone. I try to change to make everyone happy but it’s not working anymore. I can’t do it.
Sorry for the long paragraphs but, I don’t know what else to do and who to turn to. Everyone else (I feel so bad for saying this) doesn't seem to care
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UhealthyObsessions
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I'm a lot older than you and although I can relate to the self harm on one level on another I can't. It seems so common among youngsters these days but I wasn't aware of it in my day as a teenager - though that might be that I led a very sheltered existence. Other forms of self abuse seemed to go on (alcohol, drugs but not cutting).
Is it worth trying to contact the school and see if the counsellor is still available over the summer holidays? - although the teachers are on holidays a lot of other members of staff may still be around. Even if the counsellor isn't available at the school they may be able to suggest something else. There are support groups for teenagers in your position but I guess it can be really difficult to be in contact with them.
I've always had a very difficult relationship with my mother - when I was younger it felt like I was criticised all the time and she didn't have a good word to say to me - it was only when I was at home in one of the university holidays and a friend of hers said how proud my mother was of me that I realised that she obviously did have a good word to say about me, just that she couldn't say it too me. Your mother's anger may be a manifestation of the fact that she is feeling very frustrated that she can't help you and so she is failing as a mother rather than because she is cross with you. I'm not saying it is difficult for her as well, just that sometimes we think people are cross with us when actually they are cross with themselves. It is probably right that you are hiding the self-harm from her on one level - though on another it might be useful to find a third party who could help you talk through what is happening in a safe environment and help both of you come to terms with all of the emotional responses you are going to have to a very difficult conversation.
I've just googled self harm support groups and they came up with a link to mind
I started mild self-harm when I was much older. It's some time now since I did it. but I still get strong urges. There is a very good and informative website at lifesigns.org.uk.
I hope you can get the support you need.
Hi
I'm sorry you are self-harming - you must be struggling with some difficult feelings to be wanting to do that. Do you have anyone to talk to really deeply? That would be my first move, to try to see a counsellor as suggested, but not necessarily the school one - you are under age and could be referred to CAMHS but their waiting lists are often huge so it is a problem especially during the holidays.
Firstly you can use this website for support, most of us here have or have had problems and quite a few people have self-harmed in the past but managed to stop. You may find the community entitled Action on Depression helpful too as there are a few people on there who self-harm and will support you.
Secondly I wonder whether you can google self-harm and the name of your local town and do some research yourself into finding the local services that specialise in therapy for people who self-harm? That might be a good move.
Another thing you might do is to see whether your GP would be willing to refer you to a psychiatrist - I know that sounds drastic but it can be the best way to get access to the kinds of services that are available to help people who feel as negatively about themselves as you do and who deal with that by harming themselves. If you explain to your GP that you really can't cope any more and are frightened about what harm you might do to yourself and think speaking to a psychiatrist to find out what's wrong might be helpful then he should refer you.
I'm struck by the way you say you have always been the coping one - does that mean you have been seen as the strong one and not been allowed to feel like someone who needs help and support? If so that will have left you feeling really angry but at the same time in the position of not being able to express the anger towards your family, so instead turn it wards yourself, also cutting will release the stressful feelings.
It's sad that you have such a poor self image, such low self-esteem despite being capable. I wonder where that comes from, whether you have been compared to someone else, maybe a sibling, or whether your parents have high expectations that you struggle to live up to. When you say you scratch and cut to let out the bad things I wonder whether you feel bad inside and if so where those feelings have come from. You are clearly not a bad person but it seems you are scared of being thought bad if you need help, frightened that again you will be labelled as an attention seeker - if someone labelled me in that way I would feel furious! It just isn't right to think of someone in that way and shows a lack of understanding. I wonder did your mum protect you when her friend said you were being attention seeking? If not then you must have felt disappointed and enraged, I know I would feel that! It sounds like maybe no one stands up for you and that it's difficult for you to find sufficient self-esteem to stand up for yourself.
It's great that you have managed to take your exams despite how you are feeling - do you have any idea what you might want to do after college?
I agree with the person who suggested contacting the local branch of Mind as they are available for support throughout the year and from my experience they are a friendly bunch of people who all have experience of having had their own problems.
Thank you so much sue, most of what you said is true and exactly what is going on. I almost burst in to tears it's like you're inside my head or you know my situation inside out! I'm going for another doctors appointment with my mum but I'm a bit scared of what will happen when she finds out I've self harmed. I think I'd be too scared to do anything too bad to myself like suicide but on the other hand I'm scared that I might too, I'll see what my doctor says and use that as a starting point until school starts again. Thank you against much! Xx
You're welcome and don't forget to use this website, it really does help I find.
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