Hi, I'm new. I apologise, this is long... - Weight Loss Support

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Hi, I'm new. I apologise, this is long and may be upsetting x

KR2022 profile image
KR20222022 December
17 Replies

Hi everyone!

I started my weight loss journey (properly, not just fads, if that makes sense x) in 2019. My then bf had proposed and I hated looking in the mirror because I was 19.4st. I have blogs of my own for my journeys so i won't go into too much detail here lol, but long story short, I struggled since February this year to lose more weight (I was then 17.3st, so still a difference). My mother is a huge trigger because I grew up knowing (I mean, she literally told me to my face many a time) I wasn't wanted, wasn't loved and I meant nothing unless I was useful.... I grew up being starved - my grandfather didn't feed me when my siblings and I went over for days at a time... I was reduced to stealing, and if I was caught I was beaten, so I just got sneakier. I would like to say, I have NEVER stolen from shops or from friends, but only from bins or leftover plates ect, occasionally I raided my mothers' kitchen. My family and friends used to take things from me, whether it was in my hand or not, so I started hoarding food. It's an issue I still have today, and I was recently diagnosed with Bulimia after nearly 2 decades of fighting for answers when my loved ones insisted I was after attention, greedy, a liar so on so forth. I got into self-harming and attempted suicide a few times, but... here I am. When I took food from my kitchen, it wasn't always because I was hungry, but because I liked the security of having food hidden that no one else knew about and so couldn't take.... sometimes, when I was alone, I would look at whatever item and just smile... crazy, or...? Anyhow, I was caught and I was severely punished. Counsellors got involved and my mother did her part beautifully, crying and saying no matter how much food they gave me it was never enough and how I was the one stealing food from the others... I never measured up and it's only in the past month or so I've stopped trying. My current therapist has been amazing and I can't praise her enough - it's thanks to her I'm more aware of my self-destructive patterns in starving myself then over-eating and suchlike, but thanks to her I am now 16.11st and I feel more secure (at times!) in myself. I still have triggers, I get fat-shamed a lot and this hurts because most of these people don't know me and don't know I have medical problems that make weight loss a lot harder than it would normally be. I hope to continue my journey here and to see more results and to (I hope) hear from people who are or have been in similar places and found the strength they need/ed to get through.

Thank you for reading x

17 Replies
KR2022 profile image
KR20222022 December

I'd like to add though that my siblings were not treated like me at all

Grigid profile image
GrigidModerator

Hello KR2022, and a warm welcome to Weight Loss Support.

I'm so glad that you now have therapist who is helping you to turn around the past and make positive steps for yourself. you've already done brilliantly going from 19 to 16st.

We are all here for the same reason, we want to lose weight, or, having lost it, want to maintain that loss. Everyone's story is different, but lots of members have triggers that make weight loss hard, and that's where support comes in.

We have a number of different groups on the forum, but the ethos behind all of them is peer support. I've added a link here so you can see what's current: healthunlocked.com/weight-l...

Have a look around and join in anything that you think you might enjoy engaging with.

With the Daily diary it's useful to say what plan you have, by which I mean are you calorie counting, going low carbohydrate, intermittent fasting, or something different. Whichever it is there will be someone here following a similar plan.

Unfortunately body shaming isn't challenged half as often as it should be in society, but I do believe things are changing for the better. The important thing is for you to get to where you want to be, in a sustained and safe way.

Wishing you all the best, and hoping to see you soon 🍀

RofD profile image
RofD7lbs in reply to Grigid

You are quite right when you say that body shaming isn't challenged enough. It's surprising where some of it comes from though. Over 3 years ago I was booked into the GP surgery for one of those regular health checks that they started doing for people aged 40 plus.

This check was done by the healthcare assistant and what a nasty piece of work she was. Bullying me about my weight, trying to force me to go to slimming club courtesy of the NHS and generally dictating to me. She was like a Gatling gun - rat,tat,tat, tat - 200 rounds a minute and I couldn't get a word in.

I tried to tell her that I was actually undergoing tests for suspected cancer at the time (I was later diagnosed at the hospital with a blood cancer) but she wouldn't listen. She insisted that I take a photo of the details for referring myself to the slimming club. I decided to humour her although I had no intention of going there, I just wanted to get out of the ghastly creature's consulting room. However, as I was lining my phone up to take the photo she lifted it out of my hand saying 'shall I do that for you'.

When I got home, almost in tears, I rang the Practice Manager and put in a complaint, emphasising that the healthcare assistant had no bl**dy business touching my phone. Suffice to say, I haven't spoken to that healthcare assistant since then. I did pass her in the car park last year and was sorely tempted to hit the accelerator but figured she wasn't worth getting locked up for.

Don't these so called healthcare 'professionals' realise that kind of behaviour is counter productive?

Grigid profile image
GrigidModerator in reply to RofD

What a horrible experience RofD, and I imagine you weren’t her only victim. Good for you for making a complaint too. It’s not just your phone she had no right to touch, she should have left your self esteem alone too! Grrrr, I’m angry on your behalf! (And I’m also pleased you’re not writing this from prison 😂)

LostMyWay profile image
LostMyWay2022 December

Good luck, it sounds like you’re on the right track now. I have a long way to go myself but we can get there.

rachelleigh profile image
rachelleighVisitor

Sending love. Welcome to the forum. Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm going to reply to you more fully in a pm when I have more time - but in the meantime I just wanted to reach out here to let you know you are not alone x

Cruiselover1 profile image
Cruiselover11 stone

Hi and welcome. You will receive plenty of support and no judgment here. You are incredibly strong to have come through the situation life dealt you and it sounds as though you now have the right therapist to steer you towards a brighter future. Take one step at a time, if it all becomes overwhelming pause and take a look how far you have come, breathe and take the next step. I hope to see you here in the future. Take care of you x

moreless profile image
morelessAdministrator in reply to Cruiselover1

Welcome back, Cruiselover1 :)

Thanks for offering such a supportive reply. If you're still on a weight loss journey yourself, I hope we'll be seeing more of you.

Here's the link to Pinned Posts to help you find everything we have on offer healthunlocked.com/weight-l...

Wishing you all the best :)

Kickupbum profile image
Kickupbum1st 7lbs

Hi KR2022, you are so right that the read was hard and my heart reaches out to you. A warm welcome to this forum where I can honestly say that the warmth, encouragement and support and guidance has kept me going through some dark times. You have done incredibly well to lose what you have and I look forward to us journeying together to good health. You sound like you are on a better path now with a good therapist and a plan. Whilst where you have come from will necessarily colour your approach, just take each day at a time, celebrate any wins and never beat yourself up over the 'losses'. Be well.

KR2022 profile image
KR20222022 December

I am completely in awe of the love in this thread, so heart-warming! Thank you all xxx

Imustdothis profile image
Imustdothis2st 7lbs

Hello KR2022, please may I send you a warm hug, wow, you have done so well with everything you have been through, and with the right support I hope you can feel positive about your future. This forum is full of fabulous supportive people, never judging, only wishing you the best and I hope you find it useful. Take care and I look forward to reading further posts from you. Xxxx. I send you a bunch of flowers, I love flowers 💐💐💐

focused1 profile image
focused1Maintainer

You are a tough strong woman who has tackled so much . Brave enough to share and bare all with positive courage. You need to do things for you as we can’t turn back time . Look forward. I had to turn my back on some people who were toxic . You can come back to them but distance gave me reflection and a time to sort myself out . You are amazing and to actually shed so much weight going through all this must have boosted your confidence and self esteem. Be proud .

KR2022 profile image
KR20222022 December in reply to focused1

Thank you :-)

It's been hard to lose the weight, I've actually considered going for gastric surgery but in a way that feels like giving in, you know?

I'm very much an open book - ask and it shall be answered lol.

What you say about self reflection is a good idea - think I'll have to try this for myself! xx

focused1 profile image
focused1Maintainer in reply to KR2022

I feel gastric surgery for me would be a punishment and I feel that I have served enough time . I wonder what a shrunken stomach would do long term to other organs like liver , kidneys etc - bladder weakness which I hear a lot of women develop so I don’t really want it prematurely. I know it is hard but I think portion control may be best . A small plate or little bowl

becky3344 profile image
becky33442st 7lbs

Hi there. Your past story is heartbreaking what your family / mother did to you.. I've been in therapy alot myself on and off for different reasons. But i just wanted to say 'hey'. And i feel you.

It's great that you have a therapist that is working for you.. I guess alot of healing is being done?! I don't find it suprising your relationship with food and why you did/do it..

I'd give you a hug, for sharing what you did, and for being open.

Like haven't had an experience like you've had to go through, although i've had traumatic early childhood.

It must be so painful to be fat shamed by people who like you said don't know you, and that you have medical problems which don't help your weight either.

What things in your life that you enjoy doing? That's what helps me.. I still have days where i feel like an alien, and so removed from everybody else in this world. But i know it's hurting me because i don't want to be that way.. That's when i tap into my inner child and ask her how she is.. I know how she is, as she is the one feeling like an alien..

I get it less these days, i don't talk with her like i should. I still hold myself back, from being successful in life, or having a life i want. Due to not feeling worthy, and self doubt.

Do you have any strong beliefs which can help you?

KR2022 profile image
KR20222022 December in reply to becky3344

Hi Becky ^_^ I believe that if a subject exists then you should be able to talk about it (unless the other person says they don't want to, then fair enough x). I believe that what goes around comes around, ect, but mostly I just try to see the good in things. I'm very good at seeing things from a lot of perspectives (which doesn't help in an argument lol, because I can see their point of view as well as my own and often sympathise).

I love the way you tap into your inner child, I full-out try to ignore mine... maybe that's where I'm going wrong? I completely understand what you mean when you say about nothing feeling worthy and having self-doubt - I get the same a lot more than I care to admit! I don't fit in with my family or my husbands' and it hurts, but the more it happens the more I try to find peace at home instead with the ones who count - my husband and my pets.... hopefully (one day, after a LOT of saving up!) a little one of my own down the road x

I'm healing slowly, but one thing my therapist said has stuck with me - all of your adult issues started as a way for you to survive as a child. This rang so true I was silent for a moment while she looked at me. The best part about her is, she offers no pity - that would make me avoid her! I am who I am and I won't change unless I need to, hopefully for the better, but she's helped me identify a few points I can work on. Not going to lie, I'm still stocking food like a squirrel, so I definitely need to work on that!! ^O^ In all seriousness though, everything takes time and I have 25 years of crap to work through, so I'm doing good considering :-)

xxxx

RofD profile image
RofD7lbs in reply to KR2022

Hi KR2022

You have come through a lot and it is to your credit that you always try to see things from the other person's view. You do need to put your own well-being first though. You are worthy of respect, don't have any self doubts about that.

You deserve a life of love and happiness and this community will supply encouragement and support in abundance. We don't judge, we don't put people down, but we are there for each other.

I wish you all the very best with your weight loss journey and hope that 2023 will see a new, more confident and happier YOU emerging.

With love and hugs. Xxxxxxx

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