POF, dreaming about kids

Hello ladies! Reading your stories I decided to share mine. I want to talk with someone, who understands how it feels to be infertile. I'm 38 yo and I was diagnosed with POF. Still we don't want to give up and believe that we'll become parents one day. After some research and consultation with our doctor we found an option – ivf with donor egg. My husband is really positive about this procedure. But I have some doubts. I want to have children, it's my dream! I have some concerns. Will I love this baby? It won't be genetically related with me. What if I don't feel love towards this baby? I'm afraid it will look differently from me and everyone will notice. What if this baby wants to find a donor, his real mother? I don't know what should I do. A question for those who had de ivf, how do you feel now? Also I'll appreciate for any info about clinics, where this procedure can be done.

10 Replies

  • Well I am adopted and can tell you I felt no different growing up to my other brothers (who were biological children to my adopted parents). I actually do look like them funnily enough so I am sure with donor egg you can get someone that has your hair colour etc but I haven't been treated any differently, yes some know I am adopted but my parents were very open and honest. I did look for my birth mother and found her which my parents were happy I wanted to do, but had no reply so I don't think she was interested in having contact.

    It is natural to want to know where you are from and if you look like a birth parent but I wouldn't let that stop you as it is how you bring up the child that is the important thing and makes you their mum, it isn't blood that is for sure!

    I don't think you will feel any different to be honest especially if you have carried the baby as I think that is the main thing.

  • Thank you so much for sharing this with me! Your parents are great people. Your words made me feel better. Thank you so much for support! I'll definitely consider everything you've told. Now I spend 24/7 in the Internet, trying to find some answers. I must say it's not easy... There are so many controversial reviews. I hope I'll find all needed info. I appreciate your help!

  • Your thoughts are so familiar to me. I think every woman has such thoughts on her mind before such procedure. It’s much easier for men to accept this. It will be their child, so why should they worry about such things? To be honest, at first I was completely against de ivf. I thought it’s unnatural and I won’t be able to love a baby of another woman. How stupid I was!

    This procedure was my only chance to become a mother so I persuaded myself to do it. Now I have no regrets. I look at Sammy and I consider him as my son and no one else's. We had an opportunity to give our doctor list of features we want to see in our donor. We mentioned hair color, nose and face shape, eyes, lips, etc. I should say everyone tells me my son looks like me! We told everyone, even our family, that we had simple ivf. No one can ever tell we used egg donor. Of course I’m grateful to our doctor and that girl, who donated her eggs. I will never forget what they’ve done for us! But I really have no feelings like my son is not genetically related to me or I feel differently toward him. Absolutely no! I love him with my whole heart!

    As soon as I knew I’m pregnant all my doubts faded away. I carried him, I felt him inside my stomach, I had toxicosis, I sang for him and read fairytales for him, I gave birth to him! He’s my son and only my! We decided we’ll not tell Sammy about egg donor. I think he doesn’t need to know that. I’m his mom and I’ll do everything for him so there will be no need for him to look for donor. Speaking about clinic, we had de ivf. We had 2 attempts in general. I’ve got pregnant from the first one. The clinic also offers «packages» with 1 or 5 attempts. So we’ve just chosen «package», which suited us the most. I wish you good luck with your procedure! I’m sure you’ll forget about your concerns as soon as you’ll know you’re pregnant!

  • Reading how warm you’re telling about your son made me cry. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story! I hope I’ll feel the same towards my baby. I really don’t want my child to feel that his/her mom treats him/her differently. It’s very important for me to feel that my baby is my and only my. Your story gives me inspiration! You're absolutely right. My husband doesn't worry at all and stay positive. He thinks it's absolutely acceptable solution in our condition. Of course, why should he worry? It will be his child. And I have so many doubts and thoughts… But your words gave me hope. I truly believe my attitude will change. The only thing which matters is my desire to have children. It's great news I can request donor who will have same features with me. It's easier to accept this procedure. Why did you choose exactly Ukraine? I know not too much about their medicine… I’ve been always thinking it stuck in the past. Maybe I’m wrong… Was there something you didn't like? Maybe there were some inconveniences? I'm not trying to find falls! I just want to know more details. I need to find a couple of clinics. So then I'll be able to choose one for us. I understand that you can't be ready for everything and foresee each event. But it's nice when you know what to expect. Did you like their services? How did you communicate with doctors and staff? Sorry for so many questions. I hope I'm not bothering you. I'll appreciate any info!

  • It's very important to stay positive. You should believe in result and never step back. We are the only one who creates our future. Negative thoughts only make it worse. I'm happy my story inspired you! I remember myself in the beginning of process. Thanks to ladies, who shared their experience and successful stories, I've got strength to keep going. My life changed completely thanks to the procedure and my clinic. I'm happy mother and wife now. My husband is so grateful and he loves our son. We never raise the issue of de ivf. We live like normal family and don't even think about problems we had. I love my son, he's my treasure. I'm sure your feelings will also change! You can ask me everything you need. I'll help with pleasure.

    We chose this clinic because there were mostly positive reviews and quick response from the clinic on our mail. I've browsed each forum, each thread, each comment about egg donation. There were both good and bad reviews. But generally the clinic seemed to me professional and popular among infertile couples. Also they have good prices and don't ask to pat extra fees. Don't think we are greedy. But this procedure is only the beginning. After childbirth costs grow along with baby. So why pay high prices, give all your money and then work at 3 jobs, so have no time for child you wanted so much? This clinic proposes same services for lower price. There were a couple of factors which convinced us to sign contract. When we came to the clinic for the first time, we saw many people there. I should say we didn't expect this at all! And since that moment I had a feeling that everything will be fine. Not for nothing people go there! At first I was sceptical. I thought their medicine stuck in the past. But after looking at the clinic and their modern equipment I changed my mind.

    Also their services. The clinic has already taken care about everything. We were met in the airport by taxi driver. He was transporting us to the clinic and our apartment, which was also provided by the clinic. We had a manager and she translated everything for us. She spoke language fluently, so there were no misunderstandings. They even provided us with food supply! The only thing which we cared about was de ivf procedure.

  • Thank you for so quick and detailed response! Their services seem to be good. It's nice the clinic found translator and housing for you. I didn't know clinics provide such services. I really had no idea how to find all this by myself. It's seems impossible to organize all this without knowing language. I understand these services are not for free. The clinic counted each detail so foreign patients will be in absolute comfort in another country. How much did you pay for all these services? And how much did you pay for the procedure? Did you pay all sum at once? I'm a little bit afraid to give all money right away. We never know what will wait for us tomorrow. Was there some additional fees? I've read some clinics start to pull more money after signing a contract. When you think about termination of contract, you remember how hard it was to find clinic, how much efforts were made. So the only way is to pay and wait till it will be over. I'm glad to know they have modern equipment! I had some doubts about their medicine. There is not really stable situation in Ukraine. They have poor economy. How do they choose egg donors? How can you be sure your donor is healthy and doesn't have some genetic diseases? Did you choose donor by yourself? There is lots of info about unhealthy egg donors. Some clinics don't make proper checks. Sometimes babies born with genetic diseases. This scared me so much! I don't want my child suffer physically and mentally from bullying and reproaches. What mother will want this... I'm so afraid that clinic will miss something… Aftermath will be horrible...

  • Thank you for all info. I'm surprised that the clinic repays if procedure fails. Their donors are very young. I'm glad to hear they check not only donors, but also their families. I'm relieved to hear there is an opportunity to give the clinic characteristics of donor. My child will look like me. I think it will help me not to think about the procedure in future. No one will tell me that my child looks differently from me. I was scared that it will be obvious that baby is not mine. And everyone would start judging or feel pity for me. I understand I shouldn't listen to some people's opinion. It's not their business anyway. But I don't want my child to suffer because of some offensive words. I just want to live normal life. I want to have my family. I want my husband to be happy. And the most important I want my child to live life full of joy. That's all I need! I want to ask you just a couple more things. I hope I don't bother you too much. How much time did you visit the clinic? And what was with transportation and housing? I mean the clinic provides all these services during first visit. But what with other times? What about medical tests and ultrasounds? Did you have to do them each time in biotexcom? And finally my last question! I need to clarify one issue which concerns me the most. Is it safe to go to Ukraine at this moment? There is war in Ukraine. I’ve read some articles and comments on forums that it's dangerous to go there. People are killed there. Many cities are destroyed... There are many homeless and poor people, who became so because of this war. Maybe it’s better to set aside our visit? I really don’t know what to do. There are so many controversial opinions about this situation. Somebody says it’s safe, but another say it’s so dangerous and tell some terrifying stories. I don’t know who I should listen to. So I put all my hope on you! Thank you so much for your patience!

  • You're welcome, hun! I'm sure everything will be as you wish. You have the right mood! I had same thoughts on my mind. I perfectly know how it feels. I was afraid, that people will guess that we had the procedure. And the problem was not only in some strangers. My mother in law was literally killing me with questions like 'When will I have grandchildren?' or 'Are you planning to have kids? What are you waiting for?' I was barely holding myself not to say something rude. Our relations are very tense. She always makes some hints that I don't deserve her son. In one word, we have typical relations of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. So telling her about the procedure would be a huge mistake. That's why we told her and everybody else, that we had relaxing vacations. We told, that time, we spent together, far away from work and stress, helped us to get pregnant.

    We should be grateful for such chance to have this procedure and become mothers! We had 3 visits in frameworks of our procedure. The clinic provided us with accommodation during all our visits. By the way, we were provided with food supply too. Our doctor assigned the treatment plan for us. Also she gave us all needed instructions. We didn't go to biotexcom for ultrasounds and tests. All these we did in our local clinic. Then we just had to send the results to our program coordinator by mail. So there was no extra waste of money. The first attendance lasted 2 days. During this visit we had medical examination. Also we were provided with information about the program, organizational and medical parts and terms of the contract. Our second and third visits lasted for 6 days. We had sperm pick-up, fertilization of donor’s eggs and embryo transfer. You can set your worries about war aside! We were in Kiev in 2015 last time. We were nervous too! We didn't know what picture we’ll see after we leave our plane. Especially after watching some videos our panic was huge! But I assure you it’s one of the most peaceful and friendly cities in the world. It's absolutely safe in central part of the country. The hostilities take place in east part of Ukraine. So you have nothing to concern about. The only thing you should think about is de ivf.

  • Thank you for your help! I'll consider everything you've told. This clinic seems a very good option for us. I'm relieved to hear that it's safe to go there. I'll talk to my husband and I think he'll also like this variant. We'll contact this clinic in one of these days and I'll update as soon as we'll have any shifts. I hope our journey will begin asap!

  • Please only mention abroad ivf clinics in private messages. Your message has been edited.

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