New to PTSD

Hello. My name is Reland(aka-Ravenjade). A few months ago I stumbled upon an article about NPD & learned most victims suffer from complex-PTSD. Learning about NPD-Narcissistic Personality Disorder has put a great deal of a failed 28 marriage into perspective as well as the fallout from the abuse & its side effects. I'm not doctor diagnosed but absolutely fit the profile for C-PTSD. I feel very overwhelmed & lost so I'm seeking all the help & understanding I can find.

I have never been suicidal(feeling) or went so deep into the darkness trying to save my soul from bleeding out......some days the demons I battle win, but mostly I win. I'm still here & breathing.

I'm struggling to get back the former parts of me that were taken away. Despite 28 yrs of emotional abuse & living a lie, I did find love again & remarry.

So shortly after new marriage begins I learn of the NPD & the C-PTSD......I need help understanding the PTSD & need tools to keep it in check. I fear I could unknowingly sabotage my new marriage because of the PTSD.

What do I need to know? Help!

11 Replies

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  • NPD bares no relationship to PTSD. So don't worry. You say you are not a doctor, that is correct. Diagnosing yourself is not a good idea.

    In fact, it's very dangerous road to go down. If you feel you need help, find it. Please, don't be your own clinician.

  • I do not have NPD. I do not know if the life coaches of the support group I'm in have degrees in psychology, but they are the ones who stated I have complex-PTSD. I agree self diagnosing is dangerous ground & would never attempt it.

    I am a victim of long term NPD abuse. The after effects have been debilitating from the trauma of the abuse.

    I apologize for the intrusion to this forum. Forgive my ignorance.

    I will seek help & support else where.

    Thank you, Japaholic for clearing up the need of a diagnosis to be here. I didn't know.

  • I do have a degree in psychology and counseling - that said I am not a mental health doctor, nor am I in a position to diagnose myself or others.

    I never said you needed a diagnosis to be here, I simply warned against making self diagnosis. I will also warn against taking a diagnosis from others not qualified to make them.

  • Thank you for the warning. I will have to look into their credibility. You didn't have to say it, it's how I understood it. A clinical diagnosis would validate my symptoms since as you stated NPD isn't related to PTSD. I didn't mean to sound like I was self diagnosing . I am seeking understanding of what I'm experiencing with or without a clinical diagnosis, it's very in my face & valid to me. For all I know I may be in the wrong forum.

    I appreciate the heads up & will continue searching else where.

    I spent years hearing how I felt about anything be invalidated, stupid, irrational, blown out of proportion, or just irrelevant. I heard it in your warning & not related message. It's all good. You have the degree so I will not burden anyone here with my issues out of respect to it.

    I'm sure I will find the proper forum for victims of emotional abuse.

    Thanks again!

  • I think it's the.. getting closer to understanding that there are others with symptoms and experiences like my own that helps me heal. I hope you stayed here despite this interaction above. I am no therapist at all butni work closely with victims and see myself and my abusers in their stories more and more often.

  • Id love to stay but feel I may not be welcome. My son was found deceased yesterday & I need to ......Do something!

    I also see myself & abusers in stories of others...... Unnerving sometimes but knowing you aren't alone & relating to & with others absolutely helps with healing.

    Idk, maybe it'll help now.....I feel so numb & lost.....How do I go on?

  • Have you found help elsewhere or here yet? I hope so. I haven't been on here in several days.

  • Hello, Terrifiedbravery. Not really........My son's death has put me on auto pilot at the moment....I'm not really sleeping...Maybe 1-3 hrs at night? I don't care much for grieving or its stages.....Some can process & handle emotional pain quickly & effectively, I wish I was one of them.......

    I feel everything too deep but I don't really know how to not. Over time I've learned to bottle up my emotions & numb because they've always been irrelevant or last in line. I have the shrinking violet syndrome, but most of that comes from being so shy as a child & a target for bullies.

    Been having off the wall nightmares that make zero sense & the content is sketchy but feels real & intense.......

    I cry when I least expect it, often at the most inopportune time....I know it's part of the grieving process.....& I lose rational thoughts, ability to remember the task at hand, & the ability to gain control of myself. As a survivor of abuse, I had to learn to press on despite my pain & pretend all is well ( bottling). This tactic is hard to undo or unlearn. It harbors so many unwanted emotions & negativity......And so the battle within wars on. All I hear in my head is blame, it's my fault, I'm worthless & irrelevant, how horrible I am for feeling my pain, etc.

    My rational, logical side tries to comfort me but is drowned out by the controlled negative side screaming at me for being a selfish horrible person for feeling anything.....This is where it gets dicey & anger runs me over followed by guilt , worthlessness, shame, sorrow, never good enough.....Yeah it's the hell ride, again.... I numb out & hermit. Endure the pain & sorrow in private...... I'm on auto pilot.......

    I do appreciate you asking, Thank you!

    How are you doing? You mentioned being away awhile, are you ok?

    PS- I've gotten most of my help from an Admin named Ros in this community. I'm most grateful!

  • I can't imagine the pain you are suffering. It may not be right now, but I promise you will get a break from the worst of times and I pray that it is soon. I have been surviving. Hats all we can really do. I've been trying to tell myself (this week) that "Fear is a Liar" because I saw it somewhere online and it gave me pause. I decided, despite my complete lack of trust and inability to ask anyone for help (and fear that I won't be able to pay my bills), to hire help and yesterday was one of the best days at work I have had since I opened my practice. I was so grateful to have someone help me handle the difficult things like telling people no and having enough self worth to actually charge a fee for my hard work. I had a taste of a feeling at the end of the day that I may not stay up all night and that I wouldn't have to rely on my usual methods of self medicating. These moments are fleeting for me, but I am grateful to have had one and trying to talk to the child in me reminding her how proud I am of her. I hope your moment to breath comes soon.

  • Thank you, Terrifiedbravery! Congrats on your business & the milestone achievement! That one small moment will become many & they'll come sooner than you realize. I have also had a few small victories......Before son passed away.

    I was finding myself experiencing joy again! Feeling love & being in love. The moments are too short & yes, fleeting. I'd give anything to feel that way daily, all day! I'd forgotten how good love & joy feels......Numb became my normal for self preservation purposes.

    I guess feeling anything is a plus. I was worried numb was all I would ever know......

    Right now I want off the grief Merry go round.....I just don't know how much more I can take of this ride! Healing from long term emotional abuse is so hard! I've come to realize I don't know how to respond to things properly due to the brainwashing & programming cycle. Undoing it more difficult than one first encounters. It's also very time consuming & gets exhausting.

    Yes, we are survivors & it's all we have when the fog of our trauma lifts.

    Keep on building up the little girl inside & I hope both of you find solace in your new journey!

    Hugs!

  • I'm truly sorry to hear about the loss of your child. I hope you're surrounded by love and support from your family and friends. In the meantime, try to get as much sleep as you can. My depression was worse when I was sleep deprived. If you have insurance, you might consider setting an appointment with your primary care doctor first then asking for a referral to a psychiatrist or psychologist. You may also call your insurance for a psychiatrist that's in the network. That's how I got started with my recovery. I self-diagnosed my depression through "Dr. Google" then it took 2 weeks for my doctor's appointment. I was suicidal. I was prescribed medication that has helped me sleep well. My first psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSD. I went through psychotherapy, then EMDR, and now Alpha-STIM with mindful relaxation therapy. I'm getting better and hoping to wean off meds.