The need for control

Hi all,

My husband is a veteran with PTSD, mild he like to point out.. I've had a head injury since 2000, yep great combination we're starting to realise :-/

I'm walking on eggshells - we've two kids who, kids will be kids so he's fine with, unless they wake up too early! But despite me being wide awake and offering to get up he's rather get up stomp and grumble around - then get more annoyed when I get up anyway - as I'm awake. This is only one example, I can't help feeling just a handy person to have around in the house when he sees fit - so I can watch the kids while he goes out, so he has someone to chat to, but on his terms wo be tied I say anything he dislikes... he doesn't harm or anything overly bad just rather is be seen and not heard... and keeps talking about, we've just got to get through the winter, to April (when he's been promised a new job.) I can't help thinking he's just waiting around here until his circumstances get better and he can leave...and take my kids :-/ he won't get help, though he says he's getting help online. Feeling a bit hopeless and - used?!

Do I just plod on at the moment, or actually try and salvage my self respect, dignity and identity which is slowly being stripped away it feels to keep him happyish - then it's still not feeling enough :-/ xx thank you for reading and listening xxx

7 Replies

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  • Oh my! You're in a situation aren't you?!? I so wish I had sage advise about now! Both of you need to get help! My daddy was a Vietnam vet & at 60 something yrs old finally went to the VA for help, & got 100% VA disability, & attended group therapy. It helped him greatly in dealing with his war issues & understanding his PTSD. Your husband really should go to the VA, apply for his disability & get into PTSD therapy. If they do not have a group for the spouses they may be able to help find a support group for you. Start journaling your feelings so that you have an outlet for venting & a record of changes occurring with him & you. Keep using the forums for feedback & advise.

    I hope you both seek the help & things improve for the both of you! You need it & your kids deserve to have both parents healing & present. Hugs!

  • Hi, thanks for your response! He is in touch with them he says, as well as a one to one support helper from then too... I have no idea and I'm clueless - I'm actually starting to consider asking him to leave :-/ which of course I'll feel awful but it's been basically 4 years of me trying to not getting much, if anything back - it's now starting to affect me, and ultimately the kids. Totally clueless and can't keep just burying my head in the sand he sorts it or we're off... to clarify it wouldn't be malicious or anything I'd never stop him seeing the boys just I can't keep living like this, treated like I am, made to feel hurt and it's just not noticed. We said we'll keep going get through Christmas but don't know if I can do that even. Trying to make fun plans for the kids with no enthusiasm - only so much I can't do, and obviously he won't do anything unless he decides it first..! Hmmmm thanks again xxx

  • Wow! So sorry he's shut you all out! His therapists need to know this info .

    I completely understand, your needs going unmet or aknowleged. This causes one to pull away & disengage. Before long the continueous puts downs & being drained of your joy is taxing & can cause resentment . It sounds like he isn't managing well.

    We can only take so much. I hope you find strength & peace in whatever decision you make. Hugs!

  • Thank you :-) sorry it's taken a while to respond! Still unsure how to respond! But it's going through it's stages I guess... I took a night away to visit his sister with the boys for the night, and after much conversation with her (though she's as clueless as me!) we've established that yes it's all been bottled and building up since he left the army 8 years ago. I have also told him straight I can't go on like this it's starting to affect the boys, I asked him to move out even for the next few weeks... I know one of the worst things giving them an ultimatum like that... he seems a little better today and tried to get through to me how he can't lose me. Eurgh we'll see eh?! Thank you again for your messages. I hope all is well with you and yours xxx

  • Thank you! I suppose all is well. My issues are still there, but that's for another time.

    I understand where you're coming from & protecting the boys is critical. Sometimes an ultimatum can be a wake up call. Hopefully he will go get in a group.

    Keep posting for support & do what is right for you and boys! Hugs!

  • I know it's selfish, but I just want to feel loved again... if I think about it it's been about 4 years roughly... hmmmm, we can only try for now :-) I'll stand my ground, I have to for the boys :-)

    Glad your feeling ok...ish xx thank you for the hugs, big hugs back xxx

  • Hey there! I hope you get to feel love again! I often wish I could feel it , too.

    Oh, I know what my love for another feels like but I wish I could feel my new husbands love for me.

    I've been numb for so long, & since learning my 28 yr marriage was a lie, the cruelty I got in place of the love I deserved........yeah, I'm pretty numb. I think it's a protective mechanismto keep from being hurt again, but it needs to go away.

    I know you'll do what you need to.