The need for control

Hi all,

My husband is a veteran with PTSD, mild he like to point out.. I've had a head injury since 2000, yep great combination we're starting to realise :-/

I'm walking on eggshells - we've two kids who, kids will be kids so he's fine with, unless they wake up too early! But despite me being wide awake and offering to get up he's rather get up stomp and grumble around - then get more annoyed when I get up anyway - as I'm awake. This is only one example, I can't help feeling just a handy person to have around in the house when he sees fit - so I can watch the kids while he goes out, so he has someone to chat to, but on his terms wo be tied I say anything he dislikes... he doesn't harm or anything overly bad just rather is be seen and not heard... and keeps talking about, we've just got to get through the winter, to April (when he's been promised a new job.) I can't help thinking he's just waiting around here until his circumstances get better and he can leave...and take my kids :-/ he won't get help, though he says he's getting help online. Feeling a bit hopeless and - used?!

Do I just plod on at the moment, or actually try and salvage my self respect, dignity and identity which is slowly being stripped away it feels to keep him happyish - then it's still not feeling enough :-/ xx thank you for reading and listening xxx

15 Replies

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  • Oh my! You're in a situation aren't you?!? I so wish I had sage advise about now! Both of you need to get help! My daddy was a Vietnam vet & at 60 something yrs old finally went to the VA for help, & got 100% VA disability, & attended group therapy. It helped him greatly in dealing with his war issues & understanding his PTSD. Your husband really should go to the VA, apply for his disability & get into PTSD therapy. If they do not have a group for the spouses they may be able to help find a support group for you. Start journaling your feelings so that you have an outlet for venting & a record of changes occurring with him & you. Keep using the forums for feedback & advise.

    I hope you both seek the help & things improve for the both of you! You need it & your kids deserve to have both parents healing & present. Hugs!

  • Hi, thanks for your response! He is in touch with them he says, as well as a one to one support helper from then too... I have no idea and I'm clueless - I'm actually starting to consider asking him to leave :-/ which of course I'll feel awful but it's been basically 4 years of me trying to not getting much, if anything back - it's now starting to affect me, and ultimately the kids. Totally clueless and can't keep just burying my head in the sand he sorts it or we're off... to clarify it wouldn't be malicious or anything I'd never stop him seeing the boys just I can't keep living like this, treated like I am, made to feel hurt and it's just not noticed. We said we'll keep going get through Christmas but don't know if I can do that even. Trying to make fun plans for the kids with no enthusiasm - only so much I can't do, and obviously he won't do anything unless he decides it first..! Hmmmm thanks again xxx

  • Wow! So sorry he's shut you all out! His therapists need to know this info .

    I completely understand, your needs going unmet or aknowleged. This causes one to pull away & disengage. Before long the continueous puts downs & being drained of your joy is taxing & can cause resentment . It sounds like he isn't managing well.

    We can only take so much. I hope you find strength & peace in whatever decision you make. Hugs!

  • Thank you :-) sorry it's taken a while to respond! Still unsure how to respond! But it's going through it's stages I guess... I took a night away to visit his sister with the boys for the night, and after much conversation with her (though she's as clueless as me!) we've established that yes it's all been bottled and building up since he left the army 8 years ago. I have also told him straight I can't go on like this it's starting to affect the boys, I asked him to move out even for the next few weeks... I know one of the worst things giving them an ultimatum like that... he seems a little better today and tried to get through to me how he can't lose me. Eurgh we'll see eh?! Thank you again for your messages. I hope all is well with you and yours xxx

  • Thank you! I suppose all is well. My issues are still there, but that's for another time.

    I understand where you're coming from & protecting the boys is critical. Sometimes an ultimatum can be a wake up call. Hopefully he will go get in a group.

    Keep posting for support & do what is right for you and boys! Hugs!

  • I know it's selfish, but I just want to feel loved again... if I think about it it's been about 4 years roughly... hmmmm, we can only try for now :-) I'll stand my ground, I have to for the boys :-)

    Glad your feeling ok...ish xx thank you for the hugs, big hugs back xxx

  • Hey there! I hope you get to feel love again! I often wish I could feel it , too.

    Oh, I know what my love for another feels like but I wish I could feel my new husbands love for me.

    I've been numb for so long, & since learning my 28 yr marriage was a lie, the cruelty I got in place of the love I deserved........yeah, I'm pretty numb. I think it's a protective mechanismto keep from being hurt again, but it needs to go away.

    I know you'll do what you need to.


  • Hey,

    Sorry I've not replied for a while - a lot of emotions have been changing and tried - and seemed to be hopefully getting a bit better, but no we're stuck in the same place - well I am with wondering his feelings for me, well not getting anything from him. He says it all, but it's not there - he's not there when his devices are in front of his face! He went to a funeral, met up with a load of guys he'd not seen for ages and came back better...but no in the long run nothing's changed and to an extent I'm feeling even more...fed up?! Here for the boys, here for the boys....! Not thinking of leaving anymore, here for the boys and I've found some new strength, (stronger medication perhaps.... I hate to admit :-/) I can do it for my boys!....

    How are you? I'm sorry to hear of your past, though hopefully things will build and you'll allow yourself to feel fully loved again and be able to return it xx

    Hopefully you've been Ok recently?


  • Good to hear you're ok,19KMcG87! I'm glad you have some new resolve to help you.

    I have no doubt about how hard it is to be a survivor supporter. My dad was a Vietnam veteran who was diagnosed with combat PTSD. Anyone who has PTSD I call a survivor. You have to survive the event that caused it,you're a survivor. My dad was my first experience of PTSD, as a survivor supporter. Now I've learned I am a survivor as well. Causes are vastly different but the result is the same.

    The holidays are a tough time for me. But I'm very busy with a new grand baby. Yay!

    I'm learning how to push my triggerd emotions out of the way. The show up to distract me from moving forward. I have good days & not so good days.

    The past few days have been good.

    How are you & the boys?

  • Hey Rayvenjade,

    How are you doing? Good still I hope :-) things getting any easier being a survivor, I like that term. I guess it's a bit easier to describe us - we are both survivors, totally different situations but survivors! :-)

    Yay! Congratulations, how old is your baby?! It definitely helps having children - I find they keep you to remember, much as you want to provide for them you have to look after yourself to be able to look after them!

    We're fine here thanks, though it has been what's felt like the longest week! A sickness bug is going round here, and Lyall got it first (my youngest) then just as he was ready to go back to nursery, Findley starts being sick! So a lot of sleepless nights, not including all the cottage stuff I've had to do this week! I kept this week for maintenance, deep clean and to get on top of my books.... safe to say not all completed! But it'll do.... I'm now rather run down with the mandatory head cold that comes after a busy time of it...

    Apologies again for a delayed reply - I was perhaps being optimistic last message?! Just cracking on with myself keeping me and my boys happy only seems to be driving more if a wedge between us! No emotion, nothing from him - I don't even know if he is still getting his support etc since he went to this funeral and came back feeling 'better' does it get better? Can you allow yourself to let people back in and feel for them again, to retaliate the emotion your given and realise and care how much your hurting the one you say you love?! I'm feeling horrible thinking it, but my caring/patience is fading... to the extent that I'm getting fed up caring and excusing his behaviour for his ptsd, when he's not to worst in the world - we both have been through awful times (at this point I can divulge a bit more of my history if you want lol)

    Sorry I hate being so depressing... I did write that then went back to the top and tried to lighten my message!!!

    Take care sweetie,

    Katy :-)

  • Oh sweetie! I'm so sorry to hear this! It's ok to tell me what all u feel comfortable with.....good bad or ugly! That's what support is for.

    Hope all get well quickly!

    My grand baby is 7 woks old.

    Your husbands period of better will end soon I suspect. If he stopped getting help then he doesn't want it.

    I suspect there's more than just PTSD going on with him. How does he treat you generally? Is he subdued, silent, verbally abusive, judges you? How does he show kindness,!love, gratitude? How is he with the kids?

    I ask due to certain suspensions from how you are & how you describe him.

    No worries about how soon you reply. I can't get on here a lot either now that I'm watching baby while mom & dad work. But you can vent to me anytime you need to! If u want to pm me do so.

    Survivor is the best description I have for the traumas in life, lol. Hang in there. Let me know & I may have a few things to send you to have a gander at.

    Remember you are not alone in this. I'm not around the corner but I can be a phone call away.


  • Hey,

    Thanks! Feel a right moaning mertyl most the time, just absolutely clueless... can't talk to him, it's almost like a total blockade unless he wants something, even when he asks a question he only listens to half the answer then starts talking or even talking to someone else! After what you've said it's got me thinking, I mean mine is more depression than PTSD - and I think his is too...

  • My concern is he may be misdiagnosed. I was thinking NPD- Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Look it up when you can.

    Me ex is a covert narcissist & over a span of 28 yrs left me a broken shattered shell of a woman. He ended us with an affair with a married bar owner.

    When you read about it you may understand the damage done to the victims. The half listening to you is a trait of NPD. Basically this action invalidates you & your reply.

    Bend my ear anytime !

    Let me know what you think of NPD! Hugs!

  • Yep...sounds similar - I wouldn't say he's looking for constant recognition/admiration but he's quite a shy man, so I guess it's just with me and the household he's looking to control, kind of... xx

  • Not all are so malignant that way. A covert narc is very shy.

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