Hello,It’s my first time on here. I had joined a while ago but hadn’t been brave enough to write anything.
I am in desperate need of some advice. To cut a long story short, my dad has at best a few days left to live. He has cancer ( diagnosed in June last year) that has spread from bladder, liver, bones, brain everywhere. He had 6 rounds of chemotherapy, which did help halt it and for a short time clear some of the cancer in areas. Over the last two weeks he has deteriorated rapidly, and has now been in hospital for over a week and has been given days left.
On the other hand, my mum is in a nursing home with CBD cortical basil degeneration, she is in the advanced stages of it and cannot talk or do anything for herself, she gets very upset whenever she sees anyone. This quickly passes then she’s ok. she knows and understands a lot of what’s happening around her. She has been told about my dad and gets very upset if it’s mentioned.
I think you’ve probably sussed out what I’m going to ask..should I take my mum to see my dad before he passes? And funeral?
As you can imagine, there have been various opinions about this. It’s so hard to know what to do for the best.
Any advice or suggestions would be very much appreciated.
Oh dear, what advice would I give you. .(.I would want to see him if this happend to me, it would always be on my mind if I hadn't seen the one I loved ).I hope this helps ..good luck. Brenda xxx
Do you have a hospice nearby. They can give you advice about end of life care. It doesn't have to mean going into the hospice. I have just been interviewed by PSPA magazine about how the hospice helped my wife to die at home. There are also macmillan and Marie Curie nurses who can help. Your GP may be able to refer you. Love and prayers Ken.
Hi. That is a difficult dilemma. Can your Dad still express an opinion and if he does then does he wish to see her? It sounds as if she has not seen him for a while. I am sure that you will receive more constructive responses than this one but I know that my husband who had CBD could not have coped with a funeral. Hope things somehow sort themselves out. Big hug AliBee
What a difficult situation to sort! I’m so sorry that your parents are ill. If your mom is upset just over the mention of your dads illness, it might upset her even more to see him at this stage. Have you tried to ask her what she wants or is she too far along with CBD to be able to make a decision?
My father-in-law recently passed away and my husband didn’t want to go to the funeral. His reasoning was “I’m comfortable at home”. This meant to me that he wasn’t able to handle a crowd or leave his current surroundings. My husband doesn’t tolerate a change in routine very well.
I would follow your instincts. What do you think is best for both of them? I’m sorry I don’t have a better response but this is a tough one!
What a terrible dilemma. I think you can only ask questions and go with your gut feeling. Sorry I can't be more helpful.
This sort of subject has come up before, so please, if you are able, can you let us know how it goes, it might help someone else facing the same predicament.
My heart goes out to you, both parents coming to the end of their lives, please be kind to yourself, this is going to be hard, make sure you are well rested and have a big shoulder to cry on.
Oh dear, what a difficult situation. As your mum understands what is going on, ask her if she wants to see him. Can she do thumbs up and down or squeeze hands for yes or no? I know my husband would have wanted to see loved ones nearing the end and was with my dad when he died even though he was unable to do anything for himself or speak. I asked him if he wanted to be there and he put his thumb up. Tears streamed down his face when it was over, as they were mine but he indicated he was glad he was there. He also went to dad’s funeral and that of a friend, again indicating he wanted to. At my husband’s service of thanksgiving, a friend came who was very ill and who died from cancer 2 months later. I spoke to him after the service and thanked him for making the effort and he said he had to say goodbye to his old friend.
I do hope your mum can respond as I think it important for those with PSP to make as many decisions as they possibly can and hopefully you can be at peace with that decision.
That is a rough decision. There has been excellent points given by other members. Some considerations I would look at are how mobile is your mom, even if in a wheelchair. Do you have means of transportation for her? I'd definitely explain what is happening, ask what she wishes and abide by that.
(Not PSP)My mom is still upset about us not taking her to the hospital the day my dad died - It's been almost a year and she still asks questions about that day - we, of course, thought we'd have one more day🙁
My sister was dying of cancer when my mom (CBD) was first in her assisted living facility. My sisters situation was complicated in that she left the country for alternative care and ended up having to be flown home via a medical ambulance. They didn’t think she’d survive the flight (we were just hoping for her to at least make it back into the states). So... because she was flying in in the middle of the night I didn’t bother to coordinate a last visit for mom. It was about all I could do to go pick up my brother (he didn’t have a car) and meet the ambulance at the hospital. Surprisingly she made the flight though barely, and we were able to say our goodbyes (she was able to squeezeour hand).
Mom was very upset that she didn’t get to see her one last time, but she did understand the complications involved. (I might add that mom didn’t believe my sister even had cancer, even though it was pretty undeniable - mom has the personality changes and inability to logic or reason very well.) We did end up having a memorial at the facility that mom was staying in - and it was lovely. Though ironically, mom didn’t want to have one at all (it took much convincing on my part for her to even consider it.)
I know that probably doesn’t help you much, but to let you know we’ve had to go through some similar considerations.
I’m very sorry to hear you are dealing with something similar, it was very overwhelming for me and I can only imagine your situation. Hugs to you.
My heart shrinks, thinking about the situation you relates.
Each case is different and nobody can value gestures, experiences, affections, the environment, etc. as you. Nobody simply has all that data and feelings. All this is within you.
Surely there is already a decision that struggles to leave and is being installed in your thoughts.
I think that the natural thing is to make the decision that comes out of your heart and move forward without a trace of guilt and bordering criticism and comments.
A big hug and courage.
Luis
What a difficult and sad position to be in.
When my brother had PSP, I had to be his voice and make things happen for him.
I think if I were in your mums position, I would want to see your dad before he passes. She may not be able to cope with a funeral though.
As others have mentioned, try asking her, she may be able to do thumbs up or down.
It's a tough one but whatever you do, your parents will know you did your best for them.
Big hugs
Sue x
Sadly we are too late, dad passed away peacefully last night. 😢Mum didn’t get to see him, but tbh I’m glad as it wasn’t nice for us let alone mum. She has a nicer memory of him.
We have made the decision to tell mum and ask her if she would like to go to dads funeral. Wether this is the right decision, only time will tell...but we now realise we would not have been able to live with ourselves not telling her.
Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Interesting how the decision was made for you. It’s nice to know that your dad is at peace now and no longer suffering. Please let us know how your mom handles the news and if she’ll agree to attend the service.
Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.
A difficult decision, in your position I think I would try and get them together one last time, but probably wouldn't take your Mum to the funeral, as I think that would be overwhelming for her with so many people around & different surroundings.
I know my Mum really struggled with sensory overload - too much noise, too many people, etc etc. I am assuming your Dad can't leave hospital but is there a quiet room he could be in for your Mum to see him? Would they let her visit outside normal visiting hours, so there are less people around?
Sounds like you have a tough time ahead, good luck with it & keep strong. xxx
It is good to ask opinions... and this a knowledgeable group with life & death experiences. My advise is to follow your heart as you make your final decision and do not second guess your choice... or feel guilty.
It has always been the indecisiveness in life that befuddles me the most. Sending gentle hugs... Granni B
So sorry for your loss. I guess as others say fate decided for you. Maybe she knew best. Don’t hold in any stress over how things have panned out. Just be at peace with what has happened. You have enough to think about even now so try as best you can to accept what has played out and make the most of thin gas from here on in
Been where you are now. Still got the t-shirt but hand on heart we wouldn’t have changed a thing in hindsight.
It is what it is
Take care. Be strong. Have wisdom to see and courage to accept.
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