New Year's Eve afternoon here. Sandy has been gone two weeks as of yesterday. I am planning a church service, followed by Celebration of Life, with good food and good wine. He would like that.
This is such a confusing time. I miss him so much. I want him back. I wouldn't gripe about the caregiving this time. I wish I could shut my mind off because I keep trying to sort this out - how did this happen so fast? Yet, when I think back, we have been through so many phases of this disease. And it gave him such trouble, even years ago. He had lost so much as far as abilities. And he was a shining example of someone who appreciated the simple things in life. No matter how badly this disease treated him, he found joy and was grateful for every little good thing. Right up until the last few days when he became non-responsive.
I feel guilty because I actually l looked forward to having a new life, without the disease, and the exhausting care giving. I also knew that it would be so difficult when it actually happened. I know he is seeing Jesus face to face, and loved ones that have gone ahead. And, even if I live to be old, these next years will still fly by.
I've been surrounded by loving family and friends but now need some quiet time to myself. I'll have some of that time tonight, only I'm pretending it's not New Year's Eve.
If anyone has any tips on how to do this life, alone, after caring for someone with this damn disease, please let the rest of us know. I will seek out a grief support group and probably a therapist as well. I know I needed one months ago but never had time to make the appointment.,
Sorry to sound so melancholy. There are also good times and laughter still going on. I have our baby granddaughter who is proof that life goes on.
Love and blessings to all you warriors out there. Joy