Yesterday, I sat with my dad whilst he completed his “death wishes”. He has decided he doesn’t want a peg or to be resuscitated and listed who he wanted around his bed when the time came for him to pass.
This was draining for my dad. He kept falling asleep and it was very difficult to understand what my dads wishes were due to his speech problem. I only wished that we had completed this months ago when his speech was so much clearer.
If you’re at the advanced stages with your loved ones, I suggest you do this when the communication is still there. I just never thought about it before.
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Written by
Melhukin
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I agree it is absolutely vital to try an organise an end of life plan! Although it is an incredibly difficult subject to bring up, it is soooooo necessary! For info: the hospice will always come in ie at home or elsewhere and help with this. But please everyone, the earlier you can do this, definitely better! X
I agree it's important. What did you do with your list though? Have you framed an Advance Directive or asked his GP to put it in his notes? Or do you have power of attorney and just need to know his wishes?
A Parkinson nurse that visits my dad contacted me after my dad was poorly with a chest infection.
She had a list of questions from a booklet. The doctors will have to agree to the non resuscitation and then keep it on his records. With regards to the other wishes, a letter will be given to the nursing home and family members.
We were offered the option of appointing a power of attorney. I have the paperwork and need to look into this but Im not sure we need too.
You will need that POA for any money matters and sometimes for getting info from hosp. Personell who don't know you - they may ask just to cover themselves before talking to you - You may not need to show the paper(keep a copy in your pocket all the time, anyway) but you'll have your honest answer. That's my observation from caring for my aunt not being a spouse.
Sometimes, it is the carer or partner who can see clearly that these steps need to be taken, but not the patient.
My love was adamant that there was no need to talk about dying 4 months beforehand, when he was fully in charge of his mind tho not his body. POA was in place but I felt it needed revisiting, but he didnt . A month later situation very different, and I had to battle on my own for his rights and decide where he would live.
If the patient is not of a mind to consider his/her end of life plans, then it is difficult to put those decisions on place.
I was relieved we had such a short time when things were disorganized, and I had to think for both of us. I wish I had persevered with him but know I would have hit a brick wall if I had tried!
Soon after diagnosis we saw a helper at the hospice and filled in a book which talked about all these things. So it was all written and signed. It was much easier to then refer back to the booklet - which I always had to show anyone if needed.
You did well. My husband was comfortable talking about it and it was well in the future at that point. When he was finally at the stage of being offered a peg we only needed to revisit and check that he still felt the same.
Same here, I got both POAs but didn't really need it as I had all his passwords etc to do banking. It was useful when he went into hospital to be checked over a couple of times after falls, as his partner, but with him still being married to someone else it was always confusing to get admittance properly, but just say I have Power of Attorney, and problem solved without any checks!
Well done on getting it in place. It is a horrible conversation, but it is one as partner or carer that you have to have.
For anyone who hasn't done it yet, a good way to do it is to get it done in the form of the will.
I had a chat with David and wrote down everything that he wanted. I asked loads of questions and worked out what he was saying, checked it back for each item. Then I wrote a draft will before we both went to see our local solicitor. There, we both went into the room, and I told them what David wanted.... All of it, options for cremation or burial, who to contact, who gets what etc. The took it all down, and when it was done, I had to leave the room, while they went through it item by item with David, which they had to do, because I was both the executor and a part beneficiary.
Once David had confirmed this, and they were OK with grunts and squeezes as well as Yesses when he could, I was called back in to witness the signing. David made a mark (Didn't have to be a legible signature) and then the solicitor countersigned to say that they confirmed it was David's mark, which made it a legal will.
Actually pretty simple, and I think it cost about 230 pounds, but they were really good with David, taking as long as was needed, and really seemed to understand his difficulties.
I was given a copy and they kept the original in their vault, and when the time came, I just collected the original in order to formally execute it.
For the money involved, it made things incredibly easy to carry out his wishes.
Sorry for hijacking the post, but I really believe it is so important to have that conversation and get things in place.
I had to tread gently gently when approaching this subject when Ben was in the earlier stages, difficult as he was in d Niall for a year. When he eventually accepted his diagnosis I was able to broach the subject of getting his wishes recorded officially and then got PofA for finance and one for health. So glad it is all sorted although I still ask if what he wanted then is still what he wants now. He signals his wishes with a blink of the eyes or squeeze of the hand. I would encourage anyone to make sure that their wishes are known and recorded no matter how difficult it is.
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