Well the funeral is over and where do I go from here . If you can say a funeral is a good funeral then Veronica's funeral was a good one . She had a simple cardboard coffin draped with her rainbow peace flag , her silver converse shoes and a huge sheaf of sunflowers on top .Everyone who came was given a sunflower so the packed crematorium was full of sun flowers . We asked everyone to wear a splash of colour so it was a joyous celebration of her life . One of her god daughters read a wonderful poem which I felt epitomised my wonderful wife ; it is called A Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou . Kate ,our daughter ,bravely stood and paid tribute to her lovely Mum and even I managed a few words . We had some of her favourite music and other readings and ended with a very appropriate American native blessing .She was obviously much loved and her capacity to listen and help all who crossed her path was fully recognised .
I think the nicest thing people said was that if Veronica had organised it that was what she would have done .
But now ,as I was warned by so many , comes the hard bit - the empty house , the unexpected reminders ,the total lack of routine which has governed my life for the last few years .I would give anything to be spoon feeding her a thickened cup of tea at 6.30 am or trying to think of anything that would tempt her to try to swallow a mouthful. Yet I know in my heart that she had had enough and did not want to go on and that she had little or no quality of life and it is selfish of me to wish her back but I just miss her so much . I know time is a healer but at the moment I just want to turn the clock back .
What now ? - well no rash decisions - try to rejoin life - where to start ?- it all seems insurmountable but I guess I shall gain courage from all you good people who have gone ahead and survived but I have no delusions it is going to be a rocky road and I have more tears to shed yet .
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Georgepa
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Hi George. It's lovely to know that Veronica's funeral went as planned. The people who spoke at the funeral, including you, were very brave. I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were coping. It's so nice to know that you have a lovely family and lots of friends around you. I have never been in your situation so I can't give you advice but I think others will say to take it easy and don't try to do everything at once and accept lots of help. Please let all of us here know how you are getting along and take care of yourself.
Hello George,sorry that you have to face this lonely time. I have been there and it’s hard and sad. Time has eased my grief so I pray that you will weather the storm and seek out friendships
I'm very pleased that the funeral went well, it sounds like V had a wonderful send off! However you must feel totally lost now and my heart goes out to you! All I can say is, take time, and try to be kind to yourself darling. Much love x ❤️
Sounds like a very nice tribute to a wonderful person. Try not to dwell on what needs to be done around the home now, it will get done. It is very hard to just stop a routine you have done for so long, maybe instead of thinking it's 6:30 and time for V's tea, take some tea to the garden and sit, relax, remember the great and wonderful times. Make this your "new" morning routine and just go 1 day at a time, just like you always have.
A new journey ...They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.....I am sure that's true; my body and spirit is still in too much pain to prove that saying...
I must say however that my favorite flower is the sunflower....and if I have a funeral at all, I would love it to be much like your Veronica's......You're a good person George, and so is your family...
I've found life after PSP Georgepa and I hope and pray it won't be too long before you do as well. We all go through this period in our own way. There is no right or wrong way but our way. Mine was to get back out there as soon as I could. 3 weeks after C's funeral I was in Budapest with 5 other widows. I know if I hadn't gone when they asked me at his wake, I would have regretted it but Colin came with me in my heart. Everywhere I go I tell him and say, "You coming?" Tomorrow I fly to Canada on my own 😱 to visit a relative and he'll be with me. We can never forget those we have spent most of our lives with but I feel I have to make the most of the time I have left. Do you still have your allotment? Gardeners are friendly folk.....mind your step though if you still have it. Kate won't want you breaking anything else. What did you have to stop doing over the years you were caring for V. Can you start again. Do you have a U3A near you? So much to do and I hope you very soon get back out there.
What can I say George. Except, if you are lucky enough to wake up on the morning, then life has to carry on. The lack of routine is extremely hard. Not having those carers coming in, whilst we hated it at the time, leaves a big hole. Even the dog felt that!
Slowly but surely, you will get some sort resemblance of a life. Join any thing and everything. You still have your work, as soon as you can drive, get back into that. The cat will need to be fed. One thing, never turn down an invitation, no matter what you feel about it. Nothing is going to make you feel better, or worse, but one day, you will be ready to accept these invitations and they might not be there, if you have refused too many. Also, you have to learn how to be sociable again. Very hard after caring for so long.
They say time is a great healer, b######t, it just makes you more use to the pain and use to the huge hole in your life. There well be a light at the end of the tunnel, but at the moment, I will be happy to be able to see in the dark. Some days, I even achieve this. So will you, in time!!!
A friend of mine lost her husband to a heart attack at a very young age. I asked her once how you get over something like that, she said you never get over the loss, you just learn to live with it. Wise words.
George and Kate, what a wonderful send off V had, I also love sunflowers, so many of them in the shoos at the moment. George sending you and Kate all our love, you looked after B so well, not many men could of done what you did for V. I don't think George could of done that for me, he was not good at caring for anyone unwell. You have been an amazing career to V and a extra special dad to Kate. Big hugs for you all Yvonne xxx.
Dear friend your not selfish wanting a your precious wife back it's tough when my nanna died I was devastated I was 15 and we so close much clo you than me and mum she honey close your eyes and I'll always be close think out us doing our favor it's thing which was eating hot fresh lemon curd of the spoon just made this memory help you mad through god bless you I pray like you said times a healer regards sonia
Hi Georgepa, I'm so glad V's funeral went well and how brave you and Kate were to speak at it. I loved the idea of the sunflowers, I could picture the sea of colour in the church. All I would say is take each day as it comes and deal with it in your own way. Sending much love to you and Kate. Nanny857 xx
Thank you for sharing your life with us. My husband has only been sick for about a year, and I am already terribly discouraged. To see such a good man suffer and struggle each day is sad beyond measure. The fact that he is able to think, but has a hard time communicating, may be the worse part. It is a strain on the whole family and certainly what anyone wanted for them. Yet, to know it will get worse and he will have more suffering is awful. We So want to have him with us, yet how much do me want him to suffer.
I am So sorry for your loss. Your V sounds like an amazing lady.
Karyn,I so know where you are coming from.Just 2 weeks ago I was in that same place.Now he is gone and a big part of my life is missing him every moment but at the same time rejoicing that he is now free of suffering.
So glad vs funeral went well goerge the church must have looked like a ray of sunshine ,which is what you have been to the people on here with your post's, give yourself time to grieve goerge then go grab life by the horns x
So glad V had such a good send off. Where does one begin to 'rejoin ' life? I wish I knew the answer to that, generally speaking I keep pretty busy which I suppose occupies my mind, but it doesn't fill the void. I go to a local CRUSE meeting, it's not counselling, but a small group of people who've been bereaved, we have coffee and a chat, and there are as many boys as there are girls, so not just a girly thing, but I know Heady said it wasn't for her. Look into U3a, they do have lots of interest groups.
Most of the time I feel like I'm just continuing with life rather than living it how I would like to,
Well done George, the funeral is (was) a time for the family and you to celebrate V's life before PSP as well as her fight against the horrid condition/ disease.
Now it is your time to recover and re-discover the world beyond the house and village. Take the time you need ask for help you need do not lock yourself away but do the new life in your own time. I found Cruse bereavement councillors very good as a talking therapy to unlock my grief and allow me to talk out my grief which I could not share with my sons at first.
Remember life goes on V will always be with you and your family but she (as M) did wants us to embrace life and get out there but not too soon you will know know the time. In the meantime I can wish you rest and recovery.
Dear George, V's send off was certainly a colourful affair, sounds as if she was a joyous and colourful human being, loved by many. Well done to both you and Kate for having the strength to stand and pay tribute to her and her life, that strength will help you to get through the next few months of grieving for the woman you obviously adored. I hope that I can be like NannaB and embrace life when my turn comes, I suspect that I won't as I have lost interest in doing things now, the three years of caring for Ben haven't given me time to do the things I used to do and I now no longer want to participate. I still enjoy the company of friends but somehow feel outside the real world that they live in and it must be so hard to get back on track. The U3A may be the answer to rekindling your interest in the world outside, I know they have literary and local history groups that a couple of my friends attend along with a whole host of other interests. Meanwhile you have to grieve and go through the process of getting used to life without your beloved wife, there will be lots of difficult hurdles to jump but jump them you will until life starts to normalise, routines established and happy memories will be the memories that you will treasure. My heart goes out to you and Kate and I'm sure you will be of great comfort to each other. Please keep in touch and tell us how you are doing and the thoughts that are spinning around in your mind.
Lots of love
Kate xxx
Dear George,
I have been trying to wean myself off this forum and was devastated to read your sad news when I opened up this morning and my heartfelt condolences go out to you and Kate.
As NannaB says, there is life after PSP. I was already a U3a member and I went back to the classes I'd had to give up whilst caring but I was also encouraged to learn how to play bridge and that has helped me cope with the void and to get back in to a different social area where you didn't need to be part of a 'couple'. Dealing with grief is different for everyone. I know you will find yours.
Dear George your lovely lady's funeral sounds lovely. I think you and Kate were so brave to speak a few words. That is something I couldn't face. My son and Granddaughter did however and that made up for it.
Veronica sounds like a lovely person. Someone who everyone would want to be friends with. You George were amazing. Most men would struggle. In fact let's be honest most women struggle? It's such a cruel disease.
I honestly don't know how any of us move on. Do things...anything! Your allotment would be good for you. Mind that leg though!!! I have heard the U3A is good too as people have mentioned but I haven't ventured out to find it. I might actually look it up now.
I feel like I need something to fill the gap that has been left but have no idea what.
So George you get up and feed the cat and yourself. Get yourself ready and go out and face the world again. At least you have something to go to? You also have your lovely daughter and I am sure she would be delighted to see you just as you would be to see her?
My coffee morning was good the first week but this week I struggled to go, so had to force myself. I was fine when I got there everyone is very nice. The problem is yet again nobody knows what PSP is! Nobody has recently lost a loved one either. They have lost loved ones many years ago. So I am the baby!
So I don't think it's the answer, although it makes me go out.
One day I will visit my brother in Spain. Not sure when...but one day!
If someone invites you out for a meal GO! In fact just get out. Someone suggested you sit in your lovely garden and that might well help at present. It is so lovely. You can sit and think of the good times instead of the bad ones? There will be lots of good times you can recall. They will help you get through this sad time.
Lots of love and hugs to you. We are here too like lost souls trying to find a way forward. So don't forget that?
Lovely funeral for a lovely lady, George. I went through those same emotions after losing my wife just over a year ago. An empty house. No one to care for any longer. Such a huge void. Even though we have all complained about their erratic behavior and how draining it is on us carers, once they're gone, we'd give anything to have them back. But you just have to take it one day at a time. Staying a busy as you can really helps, as many of the others have mentioned in these follow-up posts. I'm still fairly young at 57, so I continue to work full-time, and now have been given some new assignments by my employer that allow me to travel on business more, which keeps my mind off of my bride at times. But when you least expect it, it hits you like a ton of bricks and I become a weeping willow, or weeping widower. Like yesterday while flying home from Atlanta on the plane, I was looking at some photos of Kim during her final days and listening to a song on my headphones called "Jealous of the Angels" by Donna Taggart. If you haven't heard that song, you really should. Here is a link to her video on Youtube: youtube.com/watch?v=0n67dSG...
I feel your pain.I am 2 weeks into my journey without Don so I know at close hand what you are feeling now. I think I will always feel a part of me is missing.We were married 53 yrs and worked together most of that time so were hardly ever apart.
The service sounds so splendid, a beautiful and vivid testimony to a life well lived, hers, and yours together. Well done.
My house still feels strange and empty, 2 months on, and, like you, I still wish I had my love there to care for. I miss him terribly. We were together only a short time, and much of that was consumed by PSP. Of course I envy your lifetime with Veronica, but I know my path is easier now, as I have been on my own before. You have to invent your new life, day by day. Give yourself time. Be kind to yourself. Sleep. Rest. Grieve.
My garden helps me. I hope your ankle heals so you can get some comfort from yours, too. I also have found getting away for a time altogether is good, even just for a weekend.
Your beautiful descriptions of the world around you and your humorous adventures helped me and my dear through that last year. We laughed together over your cat and mouse story, and that's a sweet memory for me. Thank you for all that comfort, George. I hope you will stay in touch.
The funeral sounds beautiful and a wonderful tribute. So much good advice shared in previous posts from people who like you have lost their soulmate to this wicked disease.
Take your time to heal and grieve taking one day at a time, but take opportunities when you can and feel able to get out and live yourself
Oh dear , George. I was so involved with fighting for CHC, ( ongoing) and B. driving me mad with wanting me to change TV programmes all the time, that I missed your sad news. It made me stop and think. I should be glad that he's driving me mad.
You , along with a few others on this site, have been my support and have given me strength to try to deal with this b. disease.
Good luck with your future. You fought the good fight and provided V. with love and care . An amazing feat, as you were grieving whilst doing so.
I love the sunflower idea. A celebration of life. I hope that you will be able to enjoy and celebrate your life, when you have come to terms with your loss. She is gone, but never forgotten.
Sending you a big hug and a prayer for you both. X
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