PSP Association
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Bit of a meltdown and I'm feeling oh so bloody guilty!

Hi All

Just received a phone call from Dads new home, he wanted to talk to Mum and he did! He's so fed up, I spoke him too and said I'll go and see him tomorrow (Mum won't be seeing Dad for sometime yet, she needs to get strong, physically again) I cried after the call, my Dad would NEVER have put me in a home! Wtf have I done? I feel sooooooo awful!! Mum says it's ok, it's Psp (she's so strong)' Do I need reassurance or just a slap?! Whatever happens Dad won't be coming home!! Should I change homes? Would that help? Oh god x

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Don't switch homes unless you know there is a real serious problem with the one he is in. It takes at least 6 weeks, sometimes a few months, I am told, for someone to settle in. Give it time. And don't feel guilty! You should be proud of yourself for all you are doing and have done for your parents. Everyone here agrees - you ROCK!

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Aww thx you EC!! Your kind words are sooooo appreciated!! Mum just said Dad would still be fed up if he was staying in Buckingham Palace so perhaps she is right, she normally is!! X

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Amanda your Dad will take some time to settle in and get to know all the staff. I know it's so hard to get things right and we all have these awful feeling of guilt, I still do now all the time, thinking what if I had done things differently would Keith still be with me? It's only human to feel like you do!

Please try not to beat yourself up about it, easier said than done I know, but you've been amazing with your Mum and Dad and that's a a very special thing that you should be so proud of....

Take care of yourself, love and big hugs....Pat xx

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Thx you Pat! You know when you simply DONT feel proud but only shit?!!! I don't get why everyone including Mum says I should be proud cos I feel like a really nasty witch! X

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Bless you, people say the same to me all the time, how strong I am and I should feel proud, but like you that's the last thing I feel about myself, just lost and feeling terrible guilt! xx

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We get each other Pat!! It's an awful feeling so I must send you the biggest hug!!!! X

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Oh Satt, of course your father would put you in a home if that was the only way to get you the care you needed. And, he would never want to put you through the extreme home caring on his behalf.

Your only human Satt and a damned good human too.

Only change home if there is a major problem. Perhaps better to give them a chance and try to work with them bringing about the changes you want?

I am not perfect

I cannot be perfect

I will never be perfect

I have tried

I am trying

I will keep trying

That is good enough.

Hugs to you.

You are the best a Dad could ask for

xxx

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Awe I love you Kevin!! Thx you!! X

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Nice, Kevin! Great mantra!

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Hi Amanda, I agree with EC and Patricia. Give your dad more time to settle in but let staff know how your dad is feeling. You have nothing to feel guilty about, easier said than done I hear you say, but you have been a solid rock and an amazing, loving daughter, through and through. Just be gentle with yourself. Give my love to your mum, I hope she is getting stronger day by day. Love to you also, Marion xx❤

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Thx Marion! I know I've tried just doesn't feel like I've done my best!! My expectations are very high, I know that of myself and Dads new home!! X

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Give him time to get settled and understand it's the PSP that makes him upset. You have been doing everything right and your mom needs special attention now.

You've been more than amazing.

You're doing everything right.

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Thank you ❤️

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Amanda you have done so much, for your mum and dad, you have fought for him so many times to get the care he deserved, remember that Amanda. Your dad would not have the care he has got without you, if you were my daughter I would be so proud of you. Don't put yourself down, you are a young woman who deserves a life of her own, I am sure your dad knows that, he is feeling sorry for himself, but he will be better off there, your mum will get stronger, and your dad will get his wife back, you can both visit him all the time, when your mum is better. Sending you and your mum a big hug. Amanda you are a lovely person inside and out, I can feel that without ever meeting you. Hugs Yvonne xxxxxx

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Bless you Yvonne, thx you darling 💋 X

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Amanda. Listen to mum !!!

I agree with every one but won't repeat it because you can only hear your own voice and you wanted to get it perfect for your dad and you can't.

Focus on " good enough. " Its so much easier.

YOU CAN ONLY DO YOUR BEST. Like us all !!!

lots of love, Jean xx

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True Jean true!! Thx you for reinforcing that! ❤️ X

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The truth is that none of us can promise we won't let you go in a home. We can only do our best. Circumstances are beyond our control. Its life, Amanda.

Every one is telling you but you can't let yourself hear.

Big hug from Jean x

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Amanda, yes you need reassurance, but I agree, a jolly good slap would work as well. How on earth can you feel guilty, after all you have done for your Mum and Dad. Of course I understand, you know that, but I know I have said this before, but having now stepped back from PSP, I seriously can't believe what I was capable of and what everyone else is still doing on a daily basis. Your Dad will settle given time, you and your Mum will as well. It's a huge upheaval for you all.

Please stop beating yourself up, one day you WILL be very proud of your caring days.

Lots of love

Anne

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Lol thank you Anne! Good, firm words! And I'm trying very hard I suppose to accept this! I accepted Psp a long time ago, it's this new journey that I'm having trouble with! X

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Dear Amanda, suffice to say I agree with all that has been said. Stay strong and it will get better. Don't consider changing homes unless you think the home is at fault. Your Dad would be feeling like this even in the most perfect home.

Vicki x

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Thx Vicki

Your sooo right! I've been to see him today, he seemed alright, I think it's a bit like dealing with a naughty child, I don't mean that horribly! Bless him, he can't help being a bit naughty, he has shit loads to contend with!! X

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Dear Amanda , how are you?

I have read all the brilliant replies and I can honestly say they are all spot on and written with such love it makes my heart swell!!! Our family on this site are wonderful people! I can only reiterate what everyone has said ... you are as is everyone else on here who is caring .. doing an amazing job! You love your parents so much and it shows .

Another day here too .... but the sun is shining today ☀️ Lots of love to you and everyone else in this site

Jude xx

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Thx Jude, where would I or all of us be without the truly beautiful folk on this site?! Hugs x

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It is natural all the emotions you are feeling, it is a massive roller coaster ride of ups and downs.

It must be so hard for your parents not being able to see each other and feeling ill, no wonder he is fed up. A few life events have occurred for you all in a blink of an eye so stress levels very high.

Ditto what everyone has said, let your emotions out and take it day by day. That is all we can do. Xxx

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Thx Spiral your words are spot on!! 💋 X

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No need to feel guilty although I did and still do even after my dad has passed. It's very difficult but you have to keep in mind that you can't do everything. I'm sure no one is ever truly happy unless they are in their home with their families. Don't switch unless there is a serious problem. Build good relationships with the staff. Do little things to show your appreciation. That helps. Be strong and be your dad's voice to ensure he is cared for, keeping in mind it's not one to one care so there will be wait times. Hang in there. Hugs and prayers.

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Aww thanks Lucy! I do have a problem with the deputy manager she seems rather hard faced, she is a nurse, her attitude towards me is starting to grate on me as I've been nothing but pleasant! I hope for her sake she starts exercising a little more politeness otherwise she will feel the wrath of me and she won't like it!! Equally I don't want to have to show her that side of me, because I have to remember my Dad is extremely vulnerable!! X

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I hated the manager of Steve's respite home. Very rudely, I called her Fat Bitch. Basically the first time I met her, she said, Steve's condition was far to complicated for a nursing home! Go figure!!! But the staff, especially one particular nurse was absolutely brilliant. Couldn't wish for better care. Remember, those YOU will meet, are not the ones that actually do the caring. So smile very sweetly, realising, she won't be any where near where the real work is done. Way beneath her pay grade!!!

Lots of love

Anne

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Lol 'fat bitch'?! Naughty but nice Heady!!

I get what you're saying....but....I know what I'm like, that sour face old crout is definitely getting on my nerves (a lil bit)! X

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Understandable with the attitude she seems to have. My mom had issues with how one of the nurses treated my dad. She turned it around on him and asked how he would feel if someone treated his 80 year old father that way or even him when he's 80 some day. Things turned around a bit after that. When my dad passed that nurse was scheduled to leave that that time. He stayed around and worked with the oncoming nurse through the process and to comfort us. He was visibly shaken by my dad's passing. Quite a turn around from the beginning. Maybe try to have a private talk with her before you get to frustrated. Hope it gets better.

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Good plan thanks Lucy! On my next visit I'll take cakes for all staff, a little sweetener before the storm (joking lol) x but I will take the cakes!!

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They'll love it.

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Hi Amanda,

I agree with everyone else - You have done a great job.

Knowing that I would never be able to visit each day, I always thought that if my Mum went into a nursing home I would pay someone to come in each day for an hour - to either help feed her or just to talk to her and make sure she was comfortable. There may be someone nearby who would be able to help or even someone in the home who is more able.

Best of Luck Amanda

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Hey that's a great idea! Thx you, I'll be having a good think about that!! X

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God bless you for all you have done. You must cut yourself some slack here. Your job is not over yet. You are still your dad's best advocate. You need your strength and a positive outlook to think of ways to make his days as pleasant as possible. It has been My experience when working in a nursing home that those with people coming in and taking an interest in a person get better care than those who do not. Even if you have to pay someone to come in and spend some time with him. Get some memory magazines from your local library they have pictures of things and stories from days gone by. This person you hire may have some really good ideas or little surprises for him and yourself or family could do this. Bring somdthing from home pictures a quilt or throw something he relates to.Even nice hand cream and a hand and finger massage goes over well with most. I am going through this with my 78 year old husband it is tough . We need to believe we are doing the right thing . Our positive attitude is the best gift we can give. His physical environment may change but your support will remain constant. Hugs for all of you.

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Amanda,

I've been absent recently as my dad sadly passed away nearly 2 weeks ago.

Firstly, massive hugs, it is so hard deal ing with the emotional fallout of this awful disease.

Secondly, you are not alone in feelkinf this way. My dad went into full-time nursing care in July last year after my mum reached (and probably went beyond) breakinng point. Safe to say he was unhappy, he hated every minute of it initially.

The home itself is lovely and the staff are great, but he just didn't want to be there, he wanted to be at home with my mum. At the time my dad was very angry, he couldn't or wouldn't see the risks to both him and my mum of him staying at home and for the first 3-4 months he fought us every step of the way.

He threatened legal action, tried to telephone the police to say he was being kept against his will, he was absolutely vile to my mum, my siblings and me. However...he did eventually settle and came to understand that he needed to be where he was.

He actually built some lovely relation shops with the staff and residents and his favourites made sure they were all around on the day he died - they came in on their day off, were telephoning and texting each other to checjup on him.

We are all devastated at his loss. He shoild have had and of life care in the hospice but they let us down so he actually died in the nursing home. Despite the initial anger and frustration he was in a good place when he died with his 'ladies' looking after him.

What is suppose I'm trying to say is give it some time....and don't be so hard on yourself. This is a awful condition and it will consumeus if we let it. Allow your dad to be angry, try not to take it personally and know that you have support through the roughest times.

I hope things improve for you all x

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Dear Amanda

I feel your pain, please please don’t beat yourself up. We all have limits. Some great advice from those who have been where you are now.

I can only send you lots of love and a big hug

Tippy xxxxx

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