Trying to understand the dying process

Dear All

Another difficult subject I'm afraid but one I'd like your input on please!

My dad sleeps a lot, generally a minimum of 20 hours out of 24. He is having a regular visitor, lil girl of 18 months to 2 years, very pretty with black hair and wears white, we now have to give her biscuits! She has also had a lil boy of 8 or 9 come with her too! Mum and I are thinking this lil girl is an angel.....

My dad told mum this morning he doesn't want them to be separated and cried, an hour later he thanked me for looking after him whilst crying and then did the same thing with one of the carers.

He has also asked for his wallet and keeps telling mum he isn't at home. He has also said he'd like his plane tickets.

I've been reading a lot on dying matters and other sites and am starting to think that these might be signs.....for the record, mum and I want dad to be at peace, there is no point to his life as it is!

So tell me please what do you think?

X

78 Replies

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  • Hi Satt2015

    I am so very sorry to hear about your dad,I have yet to experience this heartbreaking stage with my mother in law. I hope that he is comfortable, it seems like he is ready. I will say a little prayer that he is not suffering

    I agree with what you and your mum feel, it is very selfless.

    Paola

  • Thx you Paola, dad seems comfortable and of course I could be wrong that he's getting ready but from what I read I'm not sure that I am x

  • You never will be, no one ever is, you can only be with dad and let him know you love him. I posted something a few days ago, the last senses to go are touch and smell apparently. Hold your dads hand and bring your hand to his nose he knows your there.

    You are in my thoughts

  • how long has your dad been like this, did it come on quickly?

  • Well this lil girl has only been around for a few days, and now it all seems to be speeding up somewhat, now keeping on about visiting Nottingham and talking about the painters there painting white walls! I'm googling like mad at the moment but I think this is happens to give the patient some peace and helps them to NOT be frightened of death, make sense? X

  • I have absolutely no idea Amanda. But wouldn't it be nice to think, that someone comes to fetch you, to take you forward on your onward journey. I am not religious, but am confused about what happens next. I want to think that my Dad is looking down on me, giving me some of his stength, to help me cope with this evil ######## disease.

    As to the plane tickets, well some days that explains a lot, PSP obviously only uses cheap charter companies. Sorry if that offends anyone, but S has this hateful illness and I sometimes feel, that his time is up, but they have forgotten to collect him.

    Sending big hug.

    Lots of love

    Heady

  • Good reply Heady

    I'm not religious either but I like to believe that our loved ones are looking down on us !

    Re the charter companies no offense at all lol

    X

  • Too right Heady. We're always torn between not wanting them to suffer but not wanting to be without them !!

    We also have no religious beliefs but Chris keeps talking about going up or down, he doesn't know which. He doesn't seem worried about going down as he had no religious education. I hope he doesn't think about the Art we've seen of the tortures of Hell.

    love, Jean x

  • Dear Satt, I think he is nearing the end. Often people will have very lucid dreams and confuse them with reality because they are so real. Sorry it made your dad sad but at least they are pleasant thoughts.

  • Thx you Psp wife

    I hope he is near the end because I don't want him getting any worse! Psp is simply hateful!! X

  • This is my awful worry Amanda ..I hate seeing my mum struggle so I s awful! I weep !!

    I have no religious preference but for sure your Dad will go on to another realm and it will be wonderful and he will be there for you and mum.. that I'm certain xxx

  • Beautiful words Mary thx you x

  • Ah bless your Dad. It is so horrible when they cry and you can't this evil they are suffering.

    I do believe there is a place after our life on earth and would love to think someone does come to help you leave here.

    All you can do is go with what he is saying about these visitors and tickets, whether this is nearing his passing I have no experience to say yes or no or whether cognition decline.

    All any of us can do is hope for a peaceful passing and I'm sure you will do everything you can to make it so for your beloved Dad. These diseases are so evil and unpredictable and no one can predict for sure when the last day will be.

    Massive hugs

  • Thx spiral

    I know I'm asking a 'impossible' question but I want dad to go before he gets any worse! It's simply unbearable to watch our nearest and dearest suffering to such a horrendous illness, it literally breaks my heart for everyone that has any involvement with shitty Psp! X

  • I so hope that he will be spared anymore progression and that his suffering is over.

    I will be exactly like you, is this it, is the end around the corner, please let them go now before anymore goes kaput in the body and mind so you can sort of prepare yourself and know he is free.

    Xxx

  • Spot on! X

  • Hear hear !!

    x

  • Know that feeling!

    Lots of love

    Heady

  • I can see by the comments that you are not alone in your feelings about this. I also agree. Dad was just diagnosed in June with PSP at age 80. To see him go this long then suddenly have his life ripped from him is horrible. I know people can live many years with this illness but I hope that's not the case here. I really don't want to see dad go, but I don't like seeing him like this. He's so unhappy. He has a bad heart, so I know his heart will give out one day before the PSP gets him, but how long will that be. I'm glad your dad has someone he feels is visiting with him and he enjoys the visits. At least he's comforted by that. Very interesting though to think that someone is sent to us to ease the transition. Take care and keep us posted. Hugs.

  • Thank you lucy

    I'll keep you all posted

    Love to you all x

  • Don't get me started!! Sounds like angels to me! I'm a big believer in them....my daughter saw one really clearly when she was about 5....at the end if her bed. A young man dressed in white with black wringlets & a multi coloured aura. She described him so vividly it was really odd.....& then the next week we found out that our dentist had died suddenly very very young (who had done some mouth surgery on her when she was 4 & she loved him) & i am utterly totally convinced it was him as an angel coming to see her. They're out there....you just need to ask for them & they will be there. Happy positive thoughts Satt....lets hope that their visits are giving your Dad some comfort xxx

  • Wow suze!! Interesting thank you x

  • Hi I have heard that people nearing the end talk about going on a journey which could be why he is asking for his plane tickets (bless him) lets hope he enjoys the ride and breaks free xxxx

  • Yeah I'm thinking the same Escada! I can only pray that ride is sooner rather than later x

  • The little girls sound comforting.

    love, Jean x

  • Yeah he seems to like her! He has been talking a lot today about visiting Nottingham (he has never been there)! But he says he went yesterday and asked why the painters are there today painting everything white? Oh god x

  • Just listen and let him talk. It sounds comforting. Thats what we want for our loved ones - to feel comforted.

    xxx

  • True Jean true! Do excuse me I've just got to get some chocolate for the lil girl x

  • Hope she's not allergic to chocolate Satt?!?! ;-) Sending hugs - you're doing such a fabulous job...hang in there X

  • You are a brilliant daughter Amanda ... that made me smile ... sounds like an angel is definitely with your Dad which is very comforting for him and you also. Thinking of you a lot . God bless x

  • Very comforting x

  • Satt, My Dad died June last year, and Mum April this year. Both of them, when they had coherent moments seemed to be worried where their spectacles were!! Sorry, I know thats no help to you right now xxx

  • Debbie it's good to hear everyone's view, so thank you!! I appreciate it very much! X

  • Amanda I have not got any idea , but it is lovely that the little girl and her brother are there, with your dad, I remember was I was really ill quite a few years ago, my dad had died 5-6 years before, I was laying in bed, it was about 4 o'clock in the afternoon, well the room went completely dark, and I could feel my dad in the room, I was looking for him, it was so weird, it was a long time ago, but it is so vivid to me. I hate PSP as well so much, thinking of you all and big hugs to you all. Yvonne xxxxxx

  • Thx you Yvonne for sharing very strange isn't it? I'm convincing myself it's a sign! Just hope I'm right for dads sake! X

  • I don't have religious beliefs but believe the mind finds ways to comfort us and calm us. Whichever it is , perhaps its more important to go with it.

    When my mother was dying she struggled to speak. Eventually she was able to and she pointed to the corner of the room and said " There's plenty of sausages for you " and slipped back on her pillows. My sisters and I were expecting some deathbed utterance and were completely stunned by this. It is now a familiar sentence in our family to bring anyone down from flights of fancy.

    I'm really saying death isn't like the books.

    He may just be practising, Amanda.

    Lots of love, Jean x

  • Thanks Jean for sharing how very strange life is! X

  • Sorry Jean, your post did make me laugh. Maybe your mother was reassuring you that you would be taken care of after her demise. A mother feeds her children, it shows that she loves and cares for them. X

  • We laughed as well. My mother had forgotten she was in hospital and was doing what she always did. It brought us all back to mundane reality.

    However, a few years later we found some money she had hidden in the garden shed !!! Then we think she had wanted to tell us but by the time she had been made comfortable had forgotten. She became very ill suddenly and hadn't expected to go at that point. So another family saying is not to hide money without telling someone or leaving clues !!

    We have lots of family sayings !

    love, Jean x

  • I am dreadful at hiding things. Then forgetting about them! I once hid my credit cards under the carpet when rushing out at night and wanting to keep then safe in case I was mugged!!

    The builder found them later that week when he was doing some work for us. Luckily, we knew him and he was honest! I will think of your mother and the sausages every time I hide something from now on. X

  • I once hid a gold watch and it was years before we found it in the loft !!

    I knew I'd hidden it and Chris and I both remembered saying it was a good place [ we were going on holiday ]. It was too good !

    X

  • So glad I'm not the only one! X

  • The Bible has lots of references to angels. They are real. whether this is an angel or your dad's need to process memories with his responsibilities of yesteryear, I do not know. Nor is it that important . What is important is that your daddy knows that he has his loved ones...like someone said, hold his hand and let him smell his angel's lovely skin...soft and warm and full of love....

    I am so sorry you and your mum have to endure this...but keep encouraging your self and her that you are giving him the peace which brings on your own.

    ((Hugs of comfort))

    AVB

  • Thx you AVB! I think it very calming for Dad and for the record it's not freaking mum and me out! X

  • My partner Chris died from PSP last January. We live in Turkey and I and, for the last few months my daughter, cared for him at home till the end, which actually came sooner than we expected. In the last few weeks of his life he kept asking for 'Will' a guy he had shared a house with many years ago. I said 'You don't live with Will any more, you live in Turkey now, remember?' And he would almost seem to shake a bit and then say yes. He also had other spells (albeit brief) of confusion. At the time I put it down to the PSP but now think he was already fading away. In the event he died in his arm chair by the fire which is exactly what he wanted. So I do think the end is coming but also know that however much you think you are prepared for it, the actual death will still be a huge shock. Take care of yourself and your mother. Good luck.

  • Thank you for sharing Pattz, your reply has made me very emotional x

  • Hi Pat, it's lovely to hear from you. How are you getting on? I am on my own too now - it's hard isn't it? You are so right that you spend a lot of time hoping they don't suffer any more, but when they are gone it is still a shock.

    Love

    Vicki x

  • Hi Vicky, I am actually very well and not long returned fron a month travelling in Iran on my own which was wonderful. My daughter still lives here and her new design business is doing well, too. The only thing I really need to do is tackle the garden, which I shall do this winter. I go to C's grave quite often, only five minutes walk away and got a kitten from a local Animal Rescue in July so she's another positive element in my life. I never thought I'd cope this well but I am thanks to lots of wonderful friends all over the world. Many have visited this year and the rest stay in touch via internet. I am lucky and, thinking back to C's condition a year ago (always easy to look back around Christmas), he was lucky too to go when and how he did. I know he would agree with that. Daughter thinks I should unsubscribe from this group but, even though I no longer read everything daily, I am still here.

    Pat

  • Hi Pat, lovely to hear from you. Glad you had a wonderful time in Iran and are finding your way, in this new life.

    You may not be on here much, but still think about you. Thanks for letting us know you are OK.

    Sending big hug and much love

    Lots of love

    Heady

  • Thank you. You, Yvonne, Easterncedar, Georgepa and one or two others whose names escape me are the reason I'm still here, albeit intermittently. You were all so thoughtful, kind and helpful to me for so long I feel I can't just walk away. Take care. I think of you, too.

  • Pat so nice to hear from you, so happy you are enjoying your life Yvonnexxxxx

  • Thanks Yvonne, I am lucky in where I live and in still being able to travel on my own. Wasn't sure I could do that prior to Iran trip but now I know I can. Take care of yourself. Love

    Pat

  • Hey, pattz! Really good to hear from you. I haven't made it to Facebook. Care to share a high point of the trip? Vicarious adventures are still adventures! Love, ec

    On edit, I see you beat me to it, below. Thanks!

  • There are lots of photos on my FB Timeline. It was a great trip and, best of all, I now know I can travel alone. Planning a return visit via Georgia and Armenia for next year.

    Hope you are OK.

    Pat

  • Pat, Good to hear from you. I often wonder if I will "unsubscribe" when all is said and done. But then moments like this, when you can share you and your loved ones final moments, I can see the benefit of still being "subscribed"...

    Wow , a month in Iran! I heard there was great skiing there...who would have thought it! My daughter has a design business...Graphic Design...she helps people with web stuff....idk...

    well good to know you are getting on in a positive manner....gives me hope that I can too....

    ((HUGS))

    AVB

  • Apparently there is good skiing in Iran, as there is here in Turkey. But I don't ski, in fact I'm no fan of snow. I focused on historical sites and gardens which C always wanted to visit. The garden he created here is based on Persian garden principles. But as a Uk citizen he could only go as part of an organised tour (which we couldn't afford) whereas I with my dual nationality went on my Turkish passport and had a lovely time. Sadly with one exception the gardens had empty pools and rills as Iran has a major water shortage. The one garden which exceeded my expectations I visited by accident. Iranian friends took me there for a picnic but I didn't realise it was one of Iran's UNESCO listed Persian Gardens till we arrived - they said we were going to nearest town and the garden was a wonderful surprise. He felt very close that day. Persepolis was also amazing. Am hoping to visit Iran again next year.

  • Pat you and I have many things in common (except i did like skiing...I lived in Sierra Nevada's for many years) Our husbands were diagnosed at the same time; My daughter is a graphic artist ...and my son loves to build gardens! So much so that he got his degree in landscape architecture! Since he was a kid he has built many gardens. his last three have waterfalls and fishies! One of his gardens is outside my front room window (he built for me for Mothers Day )and I can hear the waterfall splash and flow down the rocks below...so lovely....

    Maybe someday we will have both visited many places in the middle east....I'll be the one falling down the ski slopes!hahaha

    ((HUGS))

    AVB

  • So good to hear from you Pat. You sound so encouraging . I know it isn't easy but one has to find a way. How brave of you to travel alone !!! I assume you have done that before ?

    Full of admiration. Stay in touch.

    love, Jean x

  • Not sure about 'encouraging', everyone is different. I travelled alone a lot in my 'youth' but hadn't done so again until now. During the last couple of years of caring for Chris I thought a lot about what I would do after he departed and decided travel is the answer for me. And if Iran trip is any indication I got the right answer. Now to find the money to fund more travels. I was really delighted with the way young travellers in their 20s and 30s accepted me. I even slept in dorm rooms - first time ever - weird to be doing something for first time at age of 68.

  • Thats great. I worry that as I get older I need creature comforts in a way I didn't when young.

    love, Jean x

  • I've just remembered when Mum was in hospital there was a lady in the next bed who passed away. Which shocked me to say the least as never seen anyone die and I didn't click on straight away that she had gone. She asked all day for her Mum, she was in her 90s. She had bad chest infection so was agitated but if I told herMum was on her way she calmed down. I held her hand a few times as she was on her own. Then she just went quiet so I thought gone to sleep as nurses had just been with her and she was talking to them. Few mins later nurses came back to turn her for position change and she was gone. Then I could see she had left us. The woman had no family so I'm glad I held her hand during the day and spoke about her mum and reassured her she was coming.

  • Simply beautiful Spiral, bless her and bless you for the comfort you gave her! X

  • It really upset me and I still think about her. We did have to listen to doctors etc discussing about reviving and hooking her up to machines, which they didn't as kinder to let her go and they said then she had no family and come in from a home. The nurse that prepared her afterwards was lovely and spoke to her as if still there and wished her a blessed goodnight.

  • Awe Spiral that was really beautiful of that nurse! Again made me cry but not in a bad way just because the nurse sounds lovely x

  • What a beautiful caring nurse !! True angel

  • I am in tears.....how sweet!

  • What a sweet, warm story....How sweet and kind of you to literally extend your hand and help that lady be on her way...

    ((Sweet HUGS))

    AVB

  • She was such a sweet lady and was confused about where she was and I've just remembered she kept telling me her bum was numb! She went peacefully though as was talking and then in a few minutes had slipped away.

  • Dearest sat,

    Sorry to hear this about your Dad , but sounds like he ready . It's heartbreaking and my love goes out to you and mum.

    I understand you want Dad at peace completely . Xxxx

  • Thx you Mary x

  • This is from the newbie but I must share an angel story. Mom was dying in a nursing home and each day when I left a nurse said she probably wouldn't last the night. But one wonderful nurse told me that if she passed on her duty she would open the window to let her angels out. Mom died that night. So I know her angels were free. I am still grateful for that nurse who so cared for her patients that she did that.

    Martha

  • What a lovely story. My Dad was rushed into hospital in the evening, died the next morning in the oldest, tattist pyjamas you have ever seen. The pair that he took in with him had to be changed. No caring there!!!

    Lots of love

    Heady

  • That is beautiful x

  • I wish I knew what to say to you. It is hard and I hope that you can remain strong, this is the part that I am dreading with my mum. Xx

  • I'm keeping strong at the moment as is my mum! We don't want this to drag on, it's just not fair x

  • Amanda

    I think like a lot of people he us ready to go. What a comforting way to go too? I send all my love to you and your Mum. I will say a prayer for you all.

    Marie x

  • Aw thank you Marie x

  • Satt2115, My husband passed January 21. Whatever is happening is obviously not scaring him but comforting him. Just listen. I wish I had some brilliant thoughts but am still trying to get over his being gone. If it is a sign and he passes it will be hard, that I can tell you. I am not going to tell you to be prepared, everyone takes their loss differently. If he is peaceful, let him be.

    Auddonz xo

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