Fed up!!

Sitting here feeling very sorry for myself! Dad being very moody tonight, didn't want me to hold his hand and simply said get off! Upset me, so much! The tears flowed, he couldn't see, because he can't move his head much and eyes don't move side to side (if you get me) so I've just sat and cried, stuffed crisps and chocolate (after dinner) and think why oh why do I bother??

I bother because I care

I care and love him

He's my dad, my dad riddled with shitty Psp

Dear god, please make this end, it's so cruel and unfair to my dad and breaking my heart!

I just want my dad to go to sleep and not wake up, to be at peace and not live this stupid uncessarry existence!! X

29 Replies

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  • oh Satt, i read this and cried with you. He doesn't realise what he is saying or doing and you are being the best child that a father could ask for. He loves you too, he just cant express it.

    I am not yet in your shoes but my time will come. my dad has just been diagnosed, but over the last 2 years while I was pushing for my parents and gp to realise that there was something wrong with him, his moods and bad attitude is something that we have had to endure. Reading others posts it seems to play a big part in the bloody beast that is psp.

    You are a wonderful person to take such care of you dad so enjoy your crisps & chocolate and do not feel guilty. You need a few pleasures to get you through this darn condition.

    Pj xx

  • Thx you pj I cry with you x

  • Ps it's infuriating they cant express properly, makes me wanna scream!! X

  • I scream with you.

  • amen sister. I know it's hard... no getting around it....I've not gained that much weight ...but I eat alot of "crisps" in the way of graham crackers....chocolate free...because one thing I have started doing more now that I am at home is EAT!! haahahaha

    In fact I looked the mirror and I couldn't believe it! looked 3 months pregnant....It could not have been Bruce....oh no It's..... Sea Salt Carmel Ice cream!!!!

    So I was doing some math the other day guess what I figured out,? if I divide my bowl of icecream by its diameter ? I get Pi ala mode! that's some good math i tell you what!

    but seriously,

    I was visiting my friends church . After looking at all the antiques in the sanctuary, We had lunch at the parochial school next door. We were behind two young students all dressed in their uniforms and well behaved in the lunch line. they each took only one piece of pizza as prescribed by the nun who admonished them with, " remember God is watching!" As we got to the end of the line, there was a table filled with chocolate chip cookies.....One student elatedly told the other student, "take as many as you want, Remember God's watching the pizza!" hahahaha

    Well I may have stolen a couple or all of those jokes but I do hope it gives you a little happiness for a moment....Hey if dad makes snide comments to you ...tell him a joke...seewhat happens and like pjgil says, he doesn't realise what he's saying ....

    love ya and ps I do like my ice cream...rather have that than dinner...and most likely will hahaha

    AVB

  • lol AVB thx you!! I just had another bag of crisps lol x

  • ;)

  • I eat so much chocolate now...really is emotional eating on another level. It is my only vice though ha ha

    Hoping tomorrow will be a better day for you.

    Xxx

  • Amanda PSP stinks, he doesn't mean it, it is the evil illness that makes them the way they are. You just have to rise above it, says me that has been so down lately!!!!!

    Eat your chocolate and crisps and enjoy them, things will look before tomorrow.

    Just come home a while ago my daughter took me to the O2 to see the 4 tops, it was so lovely just to get out and not worry about anything. Big hug coming your way. Yvonne xxxx

  • Aww well done Yvonne I bet they were fabadooka! I'm so pleased you managed to get out! And thank you for your wise words x

  • Yeah comfort eating, terrible is t it? X

  • Yeah comfort eating is terrible isn't it? X

  • I too often find it hard not to feel sorry for myself when Chris is so awkward and unappreciative. He was always a polite man and it feels he's become an alien !!!!

    I'm not really into chocolates but buttered toast [and gin and tonic in the evening !

    love, Jean x

  • Lol and 🍷 For me Jean! Agree it's so bloody hard when they have no empathy, who wouldn't get upset? I try very hard (mostly) not to get all fed up and tearful but last night was a crap night! X

  • Oh Satt I know exactly how you feel. I am sure everyone does to be honest. I wish I could give you a great big hug but will this do? (((HUG))). At least you are eating? I have days when I can't be bothered then find I am starving and eat junk!

    You are a wonderful daughter and I wish mine was half as careing. She just can't cope but I really wish she could. It's a lonely place to be? You know it wasn't your Dad talking. It was PSP and it wrenches people's hearts out when they are at their lowest.

    Please let us know when you feel that life is not worthwhile? I guess we all feel like that sometime each day? Take care of yourself and try again with your Dad. He might do it again if course but don't give up? You are a great daughter and your Dad loves you. Just remember that. PSP wants you to feel bad but not your Dad.

    Marie_14

  • Aww thx Marie what a lovely reply!! Dad not so moody today which is a godsend! I've been out cleaning all day at 2 different jobs, I'm knackered but I'm off to karaoke!! You take care my darling. And thx you again x

  • Sing one for me! Wish I could be with you!! Never mind being knackered you will get a boost just by being out and mixing with people.

    Marie_14

  • That would be brilliant

    I don't sing though lol, the people that do sing are really good

    I'll just go and drink 🍷Lol x

  • That's the spirit Satt, just enough to make you feel better but not enough for a hangover tomorrow, they're terrible ! L jingles

  • Lol jingles

    I've only just got up 11am!!

    It was a great evening X

  • Feel exactly the same as you. Can't bear to see my lovely mum suffer one more day. It is horrible for the whole family and my poor dad is a wreck with the whole situation. Horrible illness that nobody deserves. Love to you and your family xxxxx

  • Bless you Doreen, it's heartbreaking, hugs x

  • Satt2015.... Just got home after a week away (bliss) back to the constant knawing stress & panic & sleeplessness & heartbreak & devastation that is PSP. (& that's just me....I'm not a sufferer or even a carer!). I too just want it all to be over for everyone involved....but we've got a long & tough old journey ahead of us sadly. Stuff those crisps down girl & wash them down with lots of wine & chocolate & know that you're not alone in your heartache. Sending hugs X

  • Ohh satt,

    I've just read your post ... I'm so sorry .

    I know exactly how you feel .. just hopeless and grieving for your Dad who is no longer the Dad you had.

    I too cry .. just let it out.

    Just looking into care homes for mum and it's a mundfield . But most of all can't bare the deteriation of mum ... so sad.

    I'm thinking of you and your family Satt and hoping today is better . I'm taking mum out for a bit to get out in the sunshine might do her good.

    Sending loving vibes .

    Jude

    X

  • Awe bless you Jude, thx you!! I hope you both enjoy the sunshine and good luck with the care homes! Big hugs x

  • I know what you are feeling, but you must not take it so personally. When my husband was still pretty cognitive, we would joke about things not mattering today because tomorrow he won't remember it. As difficult as it is, you have to deflect it.

    By the way, since his diagnosis, I've gained about 25 lbs. Anyone else dealing with this?

  • Thx Psp wife your so right!

    And yes loads of us have gained weight, comfort eating and 🍷

  • I feel your pain. I am also feeling sorry for myself and all of you. I HAVE eaten myself half way through a box of marzipan cakes on behalf of all our pains and fears. is this what you call having a pity party?

  • Pity party ? I'll join in. Second slice of buttered toast.

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