Mums feeling guilty

Today we had a carer here for 4 hours so mum and I went food shopping, no biggie, mum and I rarely get a chance to go out together, we used too regularly 😢

Anyway I explained to dad the carer would be here, he agreed he'd be safe, she's a lovely lady! I also explained we would be going food shopping but wouldn't be too long!

Dad was obviously not happy, but I truly believe mum and I need some time whether it be together or just doing jobs indoors that we do not usually have time for!

We were back within 2 hours and dad looked quite sad, but not being horrible, no sadder than before this was mentioned this morning

The result being mum feels guilty for going out and now she feels sad which makes me sad!

I appreciate the whole situation is shit but I also think that we need the 2 seperate 4 hour breaks each week! Or am I being mean?

We are doing everything within our power to keep Dad at home and have no intention of that changing but I do truly truly believe that mum and I need some time to do normal things including food shopping, lunch, visit friends or simply go upstairs and watch a film or snooze!

As soon as we wake up, so it all begins again, medications, food, washing, washing up, more washing and then more washing, carers, district nurses, hospice nurse blah blah blah and yes we are both continually knackered!!

I don't mean to moan because I dearly appreciate its a million trillion times worse for dad, but I still need and want mum n me to have a little bit of 'normal time'!

How do I help mums guilt?

X

28 Replies

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  • Tell her if you and her don't get time off, you will soon be burnt out and won't be able to carry on looking after him safely. You will be mentally and physically exhausted. Tell her you need the break and the carer needs to come even if she wants to stay in but you will both feel better if you get away for a few hours. It's all a bit strange for your mum and dad at the moment but when you all get used to having someone and planning nice things to do, it will get easier. Tell her it will give you things to tell your dad about when you get back from your outings. I get 13 hours off a week now and I certainly notice the difference if the carers can't come. Last week I lost 9 hours of freedom and it wasn't good.

    Plan ahead to do nice things that your mother will enjoy, not just food shopping and try to have a bit of fun.

    Go for it!

    X

  • Thx u NannaB I believe you that it will get easier!

    Why did you lose 9 hours darling?

    X

  • It was the week before last, not last week, time goes too quickly. C couldn't go to the hospice as he was at risk of getting a sore on his bottom if he sat for 5 hours and one of the 4 hour sitters was sick. She told me today she is having two weeks off on 22nd and 29th so I'll lose 4 hours those weeks.

    Never mind. I went out to lunch with ex collegues today so had my laughter fix.

    X

  • Bless you!

    Pleased you had a laugh today, we all need that! X

  • Hi tell your mum that I have changed our 4 hours break to a whole day in daycare for J as we found out it was costing the same amount of money and J gets 2 lovely meals thrown in aswell. I have no guilt as he cannot be left alone and he is in a place that is safe where he will be watched. It is how it has to be . xx

  • Agree

    It has to be 😢 for our sanity x

  • Moan on chick! and OF COURSE you need a BREAK! ask mum would she want dad to go for a break if it were other way around! You cannot help your dad's situation (that he has PSP) but you can help your mums situation (that she needs some time off) so give her a break And remember the more you do, the easier it gets!

    AVB

  • I'm liking your style AVB!

    You got it just right!!!! Thx u x

  • Agree. Keep up the good work.

  • Hi Satt, I am afraid your Mum has two choices. Take her break or crash! I can not stress that enough. Nobody can look after someone 24/7, I know you are getting help, but you BOTH need regular breaks away from your Dad. That's not being cruel, uncaring, it's looking after yourselves, so you CAN care for your father at home for as long as is possible.

    I get two, four hours break a week. S was also going to the hospice for 6 1/2 hours, which as now stopped. That's going to hurt big style. I try and go to the gym, or go shopping, not to Tescos! Have lunch out, take the dog for a few long walks. It's a huge learning curve, at first I hated it, but now I am learning to use it properly. It helps to plan what you are going to do. If all else fails, I go to bed and sleep.

    As for your Dad not liking it. Of course he is going to say that! He is a man! You will be surprised how well they get on, when you are not around. S's latest thing is to conn the Carers to give him crisps! When I am around he won't communicate, but left on his own, he has too. Tell him he will be fine and believe that yourself!

    How can I put this next thought, bluntly I suppose. By going out into the fresh air, you both get "certain" smells out of your noses. Wouldn't it be nice to think and see your Dad, without the aroma!!!

    Book yourselves a massage or facial next time, or get your Mum to have her hair done, when was the last time your Dad saw her looking good? Do something that you know the time it will take, so you are not having to clock watch AND ENJOY!!!

    Lots of love

    Heady

  • Fantastic reply heady fantastic! Thx u! X

  • Y'know some older people have a 'value' that they can never do enough for a family member who is sick.

    It can be very deeply held.

    To do anything less than everything is not to do enough.

    If that is the case (you might want to ask her if she feels that) then getting her to reflect on how much more she could do by being rested and getting breaks. And/Or how if she fails to get those breaks how much less she would be able to do.

    If she accepts this you could reinforce it by regularly mentioning that you both need to plan for 'down time' so you can both do more. It could be a daily ritual. Over morning tea... The carer preservation planning time!

    Just an idea.

    Hope it helps.

    Kevin

    xx

    P.S. I'm adopting this immediately... I'm not to proud to talk to myself... But what if I disagree.

  • Oh, I must get used to there being other posts below the reply box... this forum is so odd with that.

    I see I'm repeating what has been said already - sorry.

    At least I'm going to talk to myself in the morning now!

  • That's why I don't bother, I know I talk a load of bull###t!!!

    Lots of love

    Heady

  • LoL - We all do!

    But it does have the advantage that I agree with me ;) - Most often.

  • P.S - And you don't!

    But that was ;)

    You are a wise and informed voice for Liz and I!

  • Oh no you don't Heady, your posts are what we need, well me anyway. Thanks, Nanny857 xx

  • Jolly good Kevin (always) thank you!! X

  • oh, I love you lot, my intention now that I am calmer and I have more time, I will so join in at last xxx

  • Satt you both need to get out, if you can't go together all the time, you could take it in turns to go, maybe once a week go out together and do something nice, like Heady said go shopping not food shopping, just go and have a lovely lunch together, do something fun. George does not like it when I go out, but I need time for me, we are looking after them, which is hard work, a few hours a week being left is no hardship to them, seeing different faces, is good for them. Yvonne x

  • Yes I agree with you Yvonne

    It's rather like leaving a toddler I find, same reaction but obviously my dad is dependent on my mum and feels safe with her, been together over 50 years so all in all I can see it from both their sides

    Difficult isn't it? 😢 x

  • Satt I didn't realise just how tired and also how low dad was until we went on this holiday. I did most things for mum whilst away night turns meds washing mum etc, dad had him time. Within a couple of days dad was back to his normal self, more importantly he became very loving towards mum he was beginning to resent her a little. Please tell your mum she and you need this time to re-charge and not to feel guilty you both are clearly very loving towards your dad xx

  • Thank you Richmond

    I'm so pleased your dad got to re charge but you must need a holiday yourself now?!

    You did and are doing a fantastic job!

    Re charge oh yes, that's what we need, I just want us to have some 'normal' time together or for mum to have some time to herself!

    Bloody Psp makes every little or simple things so flaming hard, crazy really!

    X

  • Two thoughts to add to above.

    Tell your mother how important it is for you to have time away with her.

    She can benefit and feel good as well !

    You need to have time for you without your parents.

    You're all doing well but don't forget you are all equally important.

    I'll take my own advice when I get round to it !!!

    love, Jean x

  • Thx you jean x

  • God bless your dear sweet Mom and you too, for being so caring and considerate of how your dad feels. I'm the daughter who moved back home to help my dad's wife care for him. She's 2 yrs younger than me but they've been married over 30 years. However, she constantly complains that she needs a break which I understand. Daddy needs and receives care 24/7 and he's all but bed-bound. However I dont understand that she planned to go on a 8 day vacation with her family, the annual family camping vacation my dad went on with her their whole marriage. I was so worried how her being gone 8 days and nights would affect him. Well, God was listening, the camping trip was the worst ever for their whole family, after 50 years of it being their tradition, because acts of God hindered any fun and they all came home a few days early. SO! You see, I admire your dear Mom for her guilt even though I sure dont believe she deserves to feel that way for even daily breaks of a couple hours!! I bet she'd never want to be away for 8 days right? Sometimes I think my dad's wife is anxious for it to all be over with. Not me! As long as Daddy wants to live, I want him to live too! He's not in pain. His quality of life sucks but, it's not yet his time to go!!!!! Thanks for listening to what seems to have turned into a mini-rant haha!

  • Thx u for your reply n I understand what your saying x

  • Hi Sat, should have replied three days back . . . . you and your Mum MUST have 'time out' from caring - you need to look after yourselves or the whole structure of caring for your Dad will fall down and where will you be then? If you want him, which I know you do, to stay at home, then they are the rules for you and your Mum ! ! ! Take care and look after yourselves. x x x

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