I need and want to discuss something sad but necessary

Hi all

Ok I need your views please

This week we sent back the hoist, wheelchair and shower chair as no longer being used

Dad is bed bound and only wears a t.shirt and pad 😍

Mum and I are in need of a massive clear out!

What do you think if we get rid of the majority of dads clothes (from underwear to jumpers, joggers, shirts, coats, suits)?

Mum said we need to keep a suit for dad to be buried in (I've just spent 45 minutes in tears an am as I write this awful post)!

Dad is under palative care and obviously we don't know know how long he has, but being realistic I don't think he will wear his normal day wear again including shoes, why would you? When your bed bound and we know he won't suddenly get up and be mobile 😓😓😓😓😓

A sad and heartbreaking post to write but like I said I needed to, because we cannot keep everything, can we?

X

49 Replies

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  • Hi Satt

    I will leave it to folk more experienced than I to comment.

    That is hard!

    Just wanted to send you and your Mum a very very big hug.

    Love

    Kevin

    xx

  • Awe bless you Kevin!

    I know and appreciate its a very difficult subject but I just want views and opinions

    You don't need experience in this subject, I have none just wondered what peeps think?

    My dad has always been a horder and I have to think of mums future and that eventually she'll want to sell our house and move into a much smaller space, not a 5 bedroom huge house!

    I wanted mum n dad to move a couple of years ago but we left it too late!

    I can't squeeze the amount of stuff we have into a 1-2 bedroom flat! Gotta be realistic, no? X

  • I thought my parents had been quite liberal in what they'd got rid of, while they were still alive, but when Dad died in june last year he had loads of clothes, it was very upsetting to get rid of them, and even worse this year when Mum died in April, not only all her clothes to get rid of but the contents of the home they'd lived in for nearly 60 years. I'd say get rid of what you can, you do need to be practical, I threw my husbands(he's my PSP person) work clothes away the other day, much to his horror, but he will never ever where them again, bright blue work overalls!! And I am looking to move house soon, to somewhere more disable friendly, I need to be practical too, and not pack what will never be worn again!!!

    I know it's an upsetting thing to do, especially thinking about the clothes they need to be buried in, and don't forget to keep shoes and underwear!

    Despite my parents having got rid of loads of stuff, we still filled to skips, and that's without what was given away, even more upsetting

    My advice would be to get rid of what you can now, it will be even more upsetting after

    That's my opinion, for what it's worth, good luck and sending you a big hug

    Debbie xx

  • Debbie

    Thank you that's made me cry buckets BUT I totally agree with you!!!!!!

    We need to do this sooner rather than later because let's be honest it's gotta be done at some point!!

    Thx u again ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

  • I've been doing the same thing darlin, And B isn't where your dad is...So my answer is keep anice pair or two of trousers and a shirt or two so that ya'll can go out....It does not sound like that is going to happen but you never know you might get the gumption to take him to a park. Keep a coat, a,sweater, some socks. In essence, keep one of everything....and give the rest away.

    That's my take on it ... Have a good day and it's hard to deal with it but deal with it you must

    AVB

  • Thx u AVB

    We won't ever be able to take dad out again, no hoist, no wheelchair apart from which my dads far to ill to even get him in the loo for a different view!!

    But I'm thinking i do wanna start getting rid (sounds terribly harsh) of stuff/clothes/nic nacs etc!

    We are having the garden stuff sorted out tomorrow ie table chairs, pots, garden equipment ready to be taken away

    We have about 50 years of 'stuff' to get rid of, including my own s*** if I'm honest!!

    A awful awful subject but I feel I can ask freely to you all?!

    Thx again x

  • My nephew called in last week, on his way to a wedding and had forgotten his tie. I gave him one of my husbands. All the others he had fell to the floor of the wardrobe. I counted them...65. He now has 3. The others are all rolled up neatly in two boxes awaiting a trip to the charity shop. I've gradually been getting rid of clothes as they became too big for him and there is still a lot to go but I have made sure he doesn't know. He never got rid of anything and I know he would be upset; I think I would if roles were reversed. I still buy him new things that I know he will wear. He is like your dad most of the time, in bed with just a top on, but we do still get out as much as we can.

    So I'd say get rid of anything but do it quietly.

    Sending a big hug as you do a horrible job.

    X

  • Agree NannaB I wouldn't say a word else it'd never go!!

    65 ties!! Oh my!!

    X

  • Yes I still buy B new T-shirts as the others get stained and stretched out . He 4 pair of elastic waisted shorts...10 or so t-shirts some socks; a pair of church pants several church shirts. I do find it hard to throw out his ski wear.....He was a good skiier and taught my kids how....by the time they were in high school they were all skiin double diamonds together....There was actually some nice places in New Mexico and Utah....oh well....

    AVB

  • 😓

  • I am so hear for you....It is awful....tho I am finding it easier to get rid of B's stuff than my mom's or my kids....Yep I got it all AND my stuff......all I need is a a plate and table wear for one; a pot and a pan , that's the kitchen; the front room a couch and a chair and a table, the bedroom ...a bed and chest of drawers....some hangers tho I really don't have many clothes.....literally that's all I need....

    I wonder how long I could last pared down to the minimum of essentials.

    Go for it Satt...you can do it !

  • Your soooooo right AVB X

  • I've still got stuff belonging to my dad and the loft is full of the boys things, well, quite a lot of ours as well. We have been here for 40 years. When we arrived there was a bike frame in the loft. C said he may make a bike one day. It's still there.

    Right,that's it, I've made a decision. The great clear out starts NOW! Well maybe I'll eat first and feed C and then I'll start.

    X

  • Lol NannaB and of course make sure you fit in a glass of wine too!! X

  • 🍷Oh yes!

    X

  • hahahaha ohohoh. the perpetual, " don't throw THAT away!"....Ive got car parts.....the boys will never put back on their cars.....I told them in with the new out with the old......I'm talking about wives...once they get a wife, their auto toys have to be retired! I've been trying to convince them that just cuz there's old folks in my home doesn't mean its a home for old....EVERYTHING!

    Wouldn't it be nice to go to each others house and help the owner clean out that bedroom, attic, garage etc? There's a term, "proximity Control" which means that a persons behavior positively responds the closer the authority gets to that person. Ex. we tend to slow down when a cop drives near us.. In the classroom , who didn't look down at their own paper when the teacher walked near? So If we go to each others house, we could all lay a little PC on each other and would tend to stay on target and get the things done that we wanted to get done...plus with several extra pair of hands and some creative suggestions...work is more doable and fun!

    :) Just thinkin!

    AVB

  • Lol

    Never hear that!

    I'm gonna google that x

  • I'd be too embarrassed at anyone seeing what we've got. Good idea though as I'd have a mad clear out before they arrived. I have an incentive to clear my bedroom. Our son with his minimalist wife is coming in 2 weeks. They would probably clear it for me if I asked but I'd only have the bed left and my built in wardrobe. Mmmm! That's an idea.

    X

  • Take the help where you can get....I prefer minimalism over hording or even extravagance....Unfortunately I can't throw stuff away....I don't buy necessarily....I've go two mowers two BBQs I jsut don't know what to do with unusables....I have reciepts and manuals from stuff I HAVE thrown away!

    But yah that would also drive the incentive....knowing that someone was about to see my rooms?....It doesn't matter that theirs is the same way....hahaha

  • I read this post to B...He can relate to C....B is not much of a tinkerer but there was always something he was going to fix and never did....ie (remember the kitchen pipes a few posts ago?hahaha)

    Anyway B smiled when I read this post

    :)

  • See look love him❤️👏

  • Yes. I agree with all. You do need to get rid of some stuff. It is hard to do whenever you decide to do it. Get some big boxes and sort out the worst/oldest stuff first. Gradually work out what he is least likely to use.

    Started to do it with my man while he was alive - gardening gear, hiking stuff, old shoes, etc.

    Its hard but if you put it in a box for a while then think about it you can retrieve it!

    Worked for me! Huge hug to you and one for your love! He must know what is happening and may be aware what stage he is at!

    Hope I don't make you cry again!

    My thought are with you.

    XXXXX

    Jen

  • Awe thx u Jen!

    I'm quite prepared now to get clearing, the charity shops are in for a treat.....or are they? X

  • By the way....I don't think dad is aware of what's happening and as for the stage he's at, mmmm not sure, he knows he's in a bad place but just how bad a place he realises I'm not sure 😓

  • it doesnt have 2 be a bad place' satt

    ; jill xxx

  • Brilliant thought. Thanks, Jill. You know!!!

  • Hi Jill !!!

    Your one sentence reply spoke volumes and I hope that everyone understood it ! Take care and I hope that you're feeling good & enjoying your summer ! The good vibes coming from you , parties or not, can be felt around the world ! Love, Elise

  • Wish I could like that more than once, Elise!

    Love, ec

  • I suppose it's a case of doing what's right for you. Every one is different, my sister, when her husband died in his early thirties, kept everything for a long time. Couldn't even move his trousers from its press, for months. A friend, use to wash her husband's pj's every day, months after he died.

    Nobody knows how the final grief is going to hit you. Your Mum may need to have his belongings around her, for comfort. So tread carefully.

    A practical note, if your Dad is to be cremated, he will not be able to wear any of his own clothes. Well my Dad wasn't.

    I understand where you are coming from. It's time our wardrobes had their, every so often clear out, in others words, they are overflowing. I know I am going to put it off, because I can't face this dilemma you are talking about.

    So my only advise is be careful. Lots of these jobs help to fill the very lonely and hard days afterwards. For us, after caring 24/7, there will be extra time that we won't know what to do with!

    Sending a very large hug and lots of love

    Heady

  • I hear you heady!!

    Difficult subject isn't it?

    I'll show my mum all the replies

    I WONT do anything against her wishes!!!!!!

    X

  • Not a contradiction, but both my parents were cremated, and we was asked if we wanted them dressed????

    Love Debbie xx

  • Mine are being buried and they need to be dressed (I believe).........god these conversations are sooooo grim x

  • Well he had them dressed, dad in his best blazer and grey trousers, a shirt and tie, he would have liked to look smart, and his spectacles, mum wore a pretty skirt, with contrasting blouse and cardigan, with shoes and matching HANDBAG, that's how she normally dressed and she'd have not like to not have her handbag!!

    All a bit morbid I know, but has to be dealt with, and better to be a bit prepared. I'm 57, and luckily, until last year I've never had to deal with the passing of anyone so close or any of the 'arrangements' I always thought I wouldn't know what to do!

    Love Debbie x

  • Thx you Debbie for sharing on a very difficult and high personal and sensitive subject X

  • I agree. get ya a storage box or two and separate stuff out immediate..and can wait ....With my kitchen stuff (I have pared WAY down) I just put a big storage box in a corner of my front room and put kitchen stuff in it. Let my kids go through it see what they want and just gradually fill up box...this might help your mom take stuff out she'd prefer to keep. I still have under the sink stuff to reduce but chemicals you cannot give away....so That goes to a special recycle place in town....

    If you do not have an urgent attitude but one of." he hasn't worn that in a year" attitude...it gets easier.

    AVB

  • Lol

    I dooooo have am urgent attitude

  • Satt, I hate to step on toes, but please make sure you are on your Mum's wave length. What I would have done, when my Dad died, is SO SO different to what I think I will want when S dies. What might seem unbearable for you to have around, when your Dad passes, is going to be totally different to your Mums. So chill my love, nothing has to be done today, or even tomorrow!

    Lots of love

    Heady

  • Strangely Heady mum n me are always on the same wavelength, often it scares us!

    But luckily we are both thinking the same!

    We won't get rid of everything just what we need to initially

    Thank you though your words are wise

    As always x

  • I agree with Heady there is time after to clear things out. I have been through George's things but can't bring myself the throw anything out, also agree with NannaB if you are going to get rid of stuff, di it without your dad knowing, you may think he does not know what is going on, but he is still in there and how much do you know what he is thinking, plenty of time, once you down size you will have time to clear things out, sorry but that is how I feel. Yvonne xxxxx

  • Don't be sorry Yvonne I wanted everyone's opinion and I knew they'd all be different and I've received great advice and heartfelt words as always, so thank you my lovely x

  • i agree

    lol jlll

    xxx

  • Hi Satt, I've just been reading your post and all the replies. It's a difficult decision to make but I think you have made yours now. After your mum has read all the replies I hope it helps her. I would reiterate what some others have said, if you're going ahead then do it discreetly and keeping some items your mum loved to see your dad in, might be a comfort to her.

    It's heart breaking and I feel for you and your mum. Hope your dad is comfortable.

    Lots of love, Nanny857 xx

  • Thank you nanny

    This is a very sad and sensitive subject but one I really needed advice with so I thank you and everyone else for your responses

    We won't get rid of everything but Must begin clearing and I'm with Debbie I think starting early is better as does mum, in fact we probably should have started sooner?!

    X

  • Good for you both taking the decision, I know it wasn't easy.

    Actually I have been putting aside shirts and T-shirts that are still good but too small for W, just in case further down the line he loses weight.

    xx

  • Heart felt post Satt, nothing to add that has not already been said. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and your parents xx

  • rog had an abundance of suits loved his clothes but i just donated them as soon as they became unwearable hard but almost cleansing!

    he looks great in his joggers rolling stones t shirt and his grey hoody and easy to dress him

    have a great sort out

    julie x

  • Thank Julie I'm with you 109% x

  • I am good at knowing what I want to do, making lists etc. but then I procrastinate. Chris has a wardrobe of suits which are now much too small. I feel I should get rid of most but I wonder if, like Heady, getting rid of them is saying goodbye to memories after he has died.

    Its a very personal decision.

    love, Jean x

  • Very personal indeed X

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