I would like to start by apologizing for disappearing for a few months. To be honest, it feels like it was just yesterday that I stopped posting.
Today marks 10 months since Cleodman left me. If it wasn’t because I saw him take his last breath, I would be hoping to see him walk through the door any minute now.
I am still wondering how I have made it to 10 months. I clearly remember not being able to get out of bed for two weeks. I also remember that I didn’t cry on the 25th day. Then I wonder if there was something wrong with me. I went back to work after taking two months off. It was at work that I laughed for the first time again and meant it. At seven months, I felt like my world started to forcefully spin again. I have cried at my job’s parking lot several times because I knew I would be going back to an empty house. I have had at least two meltdowns in the grocery store. Two days ago, I saw a cloud and I began to cry.
If that hasn’t been enough it has been extremely painful to go through all the “first,” starting with his birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year without him.
For his birthday, I and a few of our friends released monarch butterflies in his honor.
Soon, I will be hitting the one-year mark and as you can already tell, I am dreading it. Because I still can’t believe it. How is that even possible?! The world keeps spinning, life keeps ongoing and I am still here in shock wondering why is he still not here? How come the treatments didn’t work? And when people tell me “You will heal” what does healing even mean?!
I am starting to learn that some memories are too painful to think about. Sadly, at this moment, watching his videos brings so much pain. This is also saddening because I don’t want to forget the small details of our relationship that brought me so much joy.
As you guys can see, grief is all kinds of messed up. There is no right or wrong. I was silly to think I would have a perfect grief period. It doesn’t work like that. Grief becomes a part of you, and it will show up anywhere at any time. No matter how long it has been.
Cleodman would tell me I was in denial, I refused to believe him. Now I wish I could tell him, you were right. I was in denial. I kept hoping for a miracle, for the treatments to work. I even gave him dog antiworm because we read it would work. This is what breaks my heart the most, we did everything.
What I can say is be kind to yourself, we are doing the best we can while in the process or after they have left us. Please, make memories, take pictures and videos. That’s all we will be left with.
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Cleodwoman
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Cleodwoman, you have been a beacon of light in the dark arena of grief. All of us have such respect for how you spoke so openly with your spouse. You listened while he attempted to make the healing process a bit easier. Many spouses are incapable of listening! Thank you for enabling him to visit Oxford for one last shot at a miracle. We all have nothing but respect for you and how you are handling this and share your grief with us so openly.
Cleodwoman! I've thought of you often. Please don't apologize to us for disappearing! But please know that we love hearing from you. The picture is beautiful and a loving thoughtful tribute to your partner, husband , best friend. Thank you for detailing your emotions to us. I'm not in "that" place yet. I know I will be. I'm frightened of it. I hope when that time comes that I can honor my husband and carry on with hope and grace. Just like you. I was happy to read that you managed to laugh. I've been following Mattie Jackson Selecman (Alan Jackson's daughter). She has a book that I plan on getting called "Lemons on Friday". She has experienced her own grief and loss and from what I've heard her talk about, it's so different for everyone. We can't expect to follow anyone's timeline or pattern of grief. I hope you can take comfort in knowing that you did try everything. I also hope that you can take comfort in knowing how much support and happiness you brought to him. Even on those darkest days.
Take really good care of yourself. Anniversaries are so hard. Be extra gentle to yourself on those days.
good to hear from you Cleodwoman ... thank-you for sharing ... lots of hugs for you ... it is not easy ... it is very very hard ... harder than how hard it was when you were together ... wish i could share some wisdom that would really help but i don't have any ... except ... if you believe in God ... ask Him to help you; to make it easier for you ... just know that all of us care and want for your life to get better and easier ... best wishes ... Nous
Prayers be with you! Thank you for sharing your story. I’m about 3 years into the nightmare of advanced prostate cancer. My husband has other significant health issues that have made some promising curative treatments unavailable to him. So I see the writing on the wall thanks to you and so many who have shared their stories.
Prayers for strength as you go through all of the firsts. They are so hard! But your love is forever in your heart and soul. It is with you always. You are a blessing to us in this community. You have shown so much grace and honesty in this terrible struggle of prostate cancer. We lift each other along the way…
It may seem simplistic, but "just give it to God". If I have a problem, I tell God (who already knows); I visualize the "problem" being put into a box, and then I take it to the Cross, AND LEAVE IT !
You have done what you can, now move on with life. Enjoy what you HAVE not moan about what you DON'T HAVE. Reach out, and help others. Give, encourage, and help others
I am happy you have found something that works for you and it may help some people to do something similar. But when I was told to let go and let God it made me feel ashamed of being scared and grief-stricken as I was caretaking for my Dad in his last months. And I was so comforted when someone told me it was ok to feel overwhelmed and sad and that is when we cry out to God over and over again and we don’t have to pretend we’re ok when we’re not as He will continue to be there through hard journeys in life.
I can't hardly believe it's been almost a year since we all lost Cleodman. I still think of him and his posts when I log on here. We started our journeys at the same time and I watched him progress through treatments that failed for him but worked for me...why?? Thank you for your loving update.
I have a friend whose husband just started hospice this week (not prostate cancer, but after-effects of another cancer) and another friend who has just passed one year anniversary of losing her husband to a cardiac issue.
My husband is Stage IV PC but stable at the moment.
In the "real world" most people only want a short short version ofwhat's going on, with a preference, of course, for good news.
I am not sure how to avoid being intrusive with my friend who lost her husband as she has close family in large numbers, including some very near her geographically and she is also in a bereavement support group. With the pandemic, I do not see her much so it has been so so strange not really living through her grief with her.
Thanks for your courage in sharing your experiences with others.
So sad for you to deal with this loss so young. I read your husband's last post and was so touched. I am glad you are here to share with others going through this painful journey. People mean well, but sharing with those who are dealing with the same illness helps. I know it must be very difficult for you. We appreciate you being here. Thank you.
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