I would like to start by apologizing for disappearing for a few months. To be honest, it feels like it was just yesterday that I stopped posting.
Today marks 10 months since Cleodman left me. If it wasn’t because I saw him take his last breath, I would be hoping to see him walk through the door any minute now.
I am still wondering how I have made it to 10 months. I clearly remember not being able to get out of bed for two weeks. I also remember that I didn’t cry on the 25th day. Then I wonder if there was something wrong with me. I went back to work after taking two months off. It was at work that I laughed for the first time again and meant it. At seven months, I felt like my world started to forcefully spin again. I have cried at my job’s parking lot several times because I knew I would be going back to an empty house. I have had at least two meltdowns in the grocery store. Two days ago, I saw a cloud and I began to cry.
If that hasn’t been enough it has been extremely painful to go through all the “first,” starting with his birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year without him.
For his birthday, I and a few of our friends released monarch butterflies in his honor.
Soon, I will be hitting the one-year mark and as you can already tell, I am dreading it. Because I still can’t believe it. How is that even possible?! The world keeps spinning, life keeps ongoing and I am still here in shock wondering why is he still not here? How come the treatments didn’t work? And when people tell me “You will heal” what does healing even mean?!
I am starting to learn that some memories are too painful to think about. Sadly, at this moment, watching his videos brings so much pain. This is also saddening because I don’t want to forget the small details of our relationship that brought me so much joy.
As you guys can see, grief is all kinds of messed up. There is no right or wrong. I was silly to think I would have a perfect grief period. It doesn’t work like that. Grief becomes a part of you, and it will show up anywhere at any time. No matter how long it has been.
Cleodman would tell me I was in denial, I refused to believe him. Now I wish I could tell him, you were right. I was in denial. I kept hoping for a miracle, for the treatments to work. I even gave him dog antiworm because we read it would work. This is what breaks my heart the most, we did everything.
What I can say is be kind to yourself, we are doing the best we can while in the process or after they have left us. Please, make memories, take pictures and videos. That’s all we will be left with.
Thank you for checking in. It’s good to hear from you. I’m so sorry for your pain and loss. 💔🙏🏻