I know that's strong language, but really, my husband gets into these places where he treats me worse than a stray dog. It really feels like he hates me. I get it -- it's the cancer, and I know that. And yet, it's really hard to believe one person can treat another person this badly. It's like he's mad at me for not having cancer, and nothing in my world matters because I don't have cancer. I cherish the times when he is out of the house right now because I can actually breathe and relax.
I am pretty good at taking care of myself, getting a massage -- took myself to the movies the other night ("escape to the movies" became quite literal!), continue with my career, get love from my dogs, get support from friends. It's more the day-to-day, hour-to-hour, feeling on the verge of tears, frustrated, upset, resisting the way he seems to be trying to make me feel -- worthless.
Any shared tips?
I am very sorry that you are going through this. It is terribly unfair. Is your husband receiving therapy of any kind? My oncologist recommended a nurse practitioner with advanced training in psych for me and it is helpful. She understands the medical and psychological aspects of the disease and can prescribe medication to reduce anxiety and bring things into perspective.
If he doesn't have one, his oncologist or primary care physician should talk with him about seeing someone. He may need both a therapist and a psychiatrist to attend to the psychological and emotional issues, as well as be able to provide him with meds that help him be rational.
Hope that helps. I would definitely seek advice from his oncologist the oncology nurse and/or primary care doc.
Hang in there but seek professional help. There is no reason to endure the abusive behavior on top of all the rest you must do. Take care and let us know how things are going. we will be thinking about you.
Thank you! Unfortunately this is in the "out of my control" zone. He did try an antidepressant about a year ago, and it was awesome. He was mellowed out, reasonable, but then he stopped, and I asked him to go on again, which he did, but grudgingly, and then stopped. He won't see anyone. I am seeing someone as needed and try to get to the Caregiver group here when it gets this bad.
Also unfortunately, I told the nurse he was in bad mental shape before the last visit, and that didn't really work either. I think our oncologist just doesn't get into that. He's usually quite good and we get along great, but this visit he ended sort of abruptly, and he didn't address it at all. Oh well. I don't think it would make a difference if the oncologist said something anyway.
Hoping that the new treatment starting will help, although that is Zytiga + Prednisone (argh!) but one day at a time!
Thanks for your encouraging words.
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. Was he always like this or has this behavior started with his illness.? If not, could very well be the hormonal therapy.
Sounds like there is some underlying issues with his own inability to cope. (Frustration, anger, resentment etc)
If he isn’t opened to help there is very little you can do. He must first acknowledge he has a problem. If “you are the problem,” he will not see the need to seek help or to change.
I encourage you to continue to take care of your own mental and emotional wellbeing or else you will become ill yourself. Stress is a silent killer.
Darn this disease is horrible in the way it affects them and us!
Until things change, know we are here to listen and support in any way we can. Wish if there were more we could do to make this process easier... sending bear hugs for you my dear 💚🙏🏽💚
I would not let go of the issue with other healthcare providers. Mental and emotional health is part of what they are supposed to deal with. Also, your husband needs to be held accountable and know that because you are his wife does not give him the right to treat you with disrespect. Does he do this with outside healthcare providers? He needs to know that there are limits just like we place limits on the behavior of children.
I hope you can find a way through this but you do not need to sacrifice yourself for his anger about his condition. You are trying to help him and maybe someone (another family member?) can get through to him.
All the best to you.