I thought to write as I find the isolation at time’s hard to accept .
I find that as I am on my own all I have is a Mother who can be at time’s quite unhappy and as she is on her own I listen and this impacts on me .
I am trying to cope with life in the midst of the Pandemic and I realise I do not always have to reserves to constantly reassure Mum and this is why I become tired mentally
She is all that I have and as an only child I have always done my best but at time’s learning to look after our own welfare is essential as we have to rage it upon ourselves to be responsible for our own welfare and direction in life .
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Roukaya
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Roukaya, Yes, being the constant "spirit lifter" for anyone can become very difficult. When it is a family member, it can be even harder!
At 77 yrs, I've always been told I am an "encourager"; however, for too many years, I listened to others drone on and on and on about their problems, fears, challenges, loneliness,"somebody done them wrong" stories. Usually the same individuals are the ones doing this over and over. It can be very draining and those people don't seem to realize that they are constantly complaining or playing the victim and causing unpleasantness for the "listener".
I began making those phone or in person visits shorter; saying I had something else I had to do...or that I was having a rough day too...or something else. It took me far too long to realize that the complainers, downers were being selfish by not considering the other person's feelings. Usually they are pretty self-centered and just want a willing person to listen without giving thought to what the listener may be feeling or experiencing.
A family member did this to me and family makes it harder still but we have to be the one to set the boundary on how much to listen to or put up with. If one person is constantly doing all of the complaining and playing the victim card and the other is doing all of the listening, the first is taking advantage and the second becomes blue as well.
I live alone as well, which can provide much satisfaction but also present more difficulties. My only daughter and family live out-of-state. She has her own family to care for and I am not going to burden her with all of my own silly complaints.
Now, more than ever with the pandemic affecting each of us, it is important to decide how much we will allow another to bring us down. With friends who constantly did this to me, I just made myself much less available to be in touch. With the relative, I'd change the subject and then shorten the visit. We teach others how to treat us. If we set boundaries kindly but firmly, they usually get the message. Hope this helps in some small way.
Thank you for your lengthy and thoughtful explanation
I am an only child who has always done what I can for my parents .
As my parents separated , the responsibility of caring for an elderly and vulnerable Father fell solely on my shoulders and my Mother who lives overseas put all the responsibility on me
It is then her demanding and self centred behaviour began
I realise that my forties were taken up by caring for Dad who is now gone
I have been trying to study for a Post Graduate Diploma in Probate Law and Practice as the name says it is for those in practice
I have missed the pass mark several times by a narrow margin and I sat for the exams at the end of September
I will wait for the result and then decide whether to visit Mum or wait until January
I realise I think as I am 51 that is is essential I put my own welfare first
I am not married nor do I have children and I wonder at time’s who will be there in my own later years
But I am a religious person and through patience and faith there is always an answer
Roukaya, Congratulations on your graduate study! Takes a lot of focus and singular concentration to achieve a post grad diploma and you've shown you have what it takes to pursue your goal.
Have to wonder how much distraction your mom may have caused in your barely missing the mark in the past.
I was just about your age when I decided to change some behaviors and set new boundaries that would allow me more peace and ability to focus on important personal pursuits. While I didn't abandon others, I made the changes in relationships needed to create a more positive, successful life.
Only you can decide what changes if any you need to make for a happier life. Mine were hard but worth the effort.
Thank you for your opinion and very helpful advice .
I think after caring for my Father and his passing I became too dependent emotionally with my Mother and consequently would visit Mum due to loneliness .
I realise I may have failed the pass mark previously as I did not prepare sufficiently or study in depth due to the frequency of visits to Mum .
Lock Down made me study but I am concerned with my performance on Wednesdays exam but Friday I was calmer
My Mother has a tendency to put herself first and I find whatever I do , it will never be enough
I have reached the age of 51 and it is essential that I keep trying the path I have chosen
I have spoken to an employment adviser and a strategy has been developed for me to concentrate in applying for a years work experience to gain the practical experience and confidence which is required to help would be practitioners to pass and qualify with their licence
I thank you for making me understand and I hope you are keeping well
Hi Roukaya, I think if your mum makes you mentally tired and it happens frequently, it may be a good idea to start setting boundaries like FlowerPreciousLover has mentioned. You could just set small boundaries at first to see how it goes. You are right when you say you have your own welfare to consider. A few subtle changes in the way you communicate with your mum might make all the difference. 👍😊🌸
Today's inspiration from God Calling. I hope it brings you comfort and cheers you.
Blessings.
October 6 – A Child’s Hand
Dear Lord, we cling to Thee.
Yes, cling. Your faith shall be rewarded. Do you not know what it means to feel a little trusting hand in yours, to know a child’s confidence?
Does that not draw out your Love and desire to protect, to care? Think what My Heart feels, when in your helplessness you turn to Me, clinging, desiring My Love and Protection.
Would you fail that child, faulty and weak as you are? Could I fail you? Just know it is not possible. Know all is well. You must not doubt. You must be sure. There is no miracle I cannot perform, nothing I cannot do. No eleventh-hour rescue I cannot accomplish.
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