Trying to cope with my husband's mania - Positive Wellbein...

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Trying to cope with my husband's mania

25 Replies

After nearly three months, I am being left to cope with my husband's mania. I am being stretched to my limits and beyond. The psychiatric profession know about my husband's condition as they have been sending in psychiatric nurses twice a week for a couple of months. I have also had several meetings with his psychiatrist and am still waiting for a second opinion.

For 24 hours of each day, I am subjected to a severely depressed, with psychotic thoughts man. Someone with whom I no longer share a bond, or even recognise. I have now gone through my husband crashing the car whilst being advised not to drive. £296 pounds worth of damage to our central heating boiler because of his messing around with the pressure gauge. This included a flooding in the bathroom which has left the bathroom ceiling in a state. Then a further £300 pounds worth of damage by his joining a trading platform and losing a few hundred pounds for joining. This being a scam, which necessitated my calling in the cyber fraud squad. Then having to have the computer wiped clean, making up the extra £100. Then having to contact the bank, which under the present circumstances, is a very long and arduous trial. Credit cards changed, plus bank account details etc.

Now, my husband is under the impression that the computer is controlling him. The ornaments in our house are evil, and have placed a curse upon us. As for the poor car, which can be repaired, he has now rang up a scrap company and wants them to take it away leaving us marooned without any local conveniences. Michael has gone way beyond any reasoning and the medics expect me to deal with all of this. We are both in our seventies, but that does not count for anything. I am at breaking point as I have to endure all of this both day and night. I am sorry for all of this diatribe, but I am not feeling very good, only just wish that I had the luxury of being bored instead.

25 Replies

Oh goodness is there no one you can go to for some respite time any family or friends who would be willing to take over even if only for a short while? xx

in reply to

Thank you Malmal, as I understand the need for some respite. However, as things are at present, I definitely need to keep an eye on Michael in case he gets into more serious messes. My stepson, Michael's son, has been over today, but he does not appear to want to do very much to help. Obviously, he does not want to upset his father, but he is not really doing what is best for his father in the long run.

leo60 profile image
leo60

How awful for you. He sounds like a danger to you, himself and others, surely in the light of that you must have some recourse?

How about calling 999 during one of his episodes? Can only wish you well xx

in reply to leo60

Thank you for replying to my post. As far as 999 is concerned, they will only remove me from my house and drop me off at a family, or a friend's house. 'For my safety' as they say. This happened to me a couple of years ago when my husband had his last manic attack, and I was uprooted at around 2.am in the morning and driven to my daughter's house. This solved absolutely nothing, as I had to return on the following day to see what Michael had been getting up to.

I can go back to another episode which happened 16 years ago, this involved my husband leaving the house and driving in a manic state all of the way to London. I informed the police in advance, but they took no notice, and when I rang them to explain that he had left the house, their answer was, 'you will have to wait for 48 hours to report him missing.' It took a whole week for Michael to be caught up with, during which time he covered most of the UK, from London to Scotland. I had odd telephone calls from various police stations, and hospitals, and when I explained that he needed prompt psychiatric attention, the responses were not helpful at all.

One hospital in Newcastle -upon-Tyne, rang and told me that he had been brought in by someone who lived locally, and that he would need to be detained under the Mental Health Act. Unfortunately, whilst he was waiting for attention he decided to walk out of the hospital and wander further up along the coast. He then fell off a cliff into the sea, and was rescued by a few locals in the area. They then took him to a nearby police station from where I received a telephone call. I then explained to the duty officer that Michael needed immediate psychiatric help. His reply was, that he would have to ask his superior. After that I received a telephone call from Michael telling me that he had walked out of the police station and gone into a local pub.

Michael then went to Sunderland, and was found walking amongst three lanes on a motorway. Finally, I received a telephone call from a social worker at South Tyne and Wear hospital saying that he had been sectioned. All of this took a week in all to get anyone to take any notice of me. How could this possibly happen in the UK, well, quite easily as the services do not always believe you. My husband survived driving on a busy motorway with cars swerving to avoid him. Falling off a cliff into the sea, and then wandering amongst three lanes of traffic on a motorway. I am sorry for the length of my post, but I wanted to put you in the picture of my previous, and ongoing experiences with the services. Thank you for your concern, as it is much appreciated.

FlowerPreciousLover profile image
FlowerPreciousLover in reply to

How tragic, and constantly worrisome and frightening for you. Instead of taking you off premises, why isn't he being taken to a hospital with an emergency help call from you?

In U.S., my neighbor has a severely mentally ill son and she's learned that police will only respond to her call for help if she tells them she is in bodily fear for her life. He then is hospitalized and put back on his medications. Does pretty well until the next time.

There are procedures here that can be filed legally to declare a spouse/child mentally incompetent which results in hospitalization for the patient. Is anything like that available for you?

Can you not call your physician or his staff and demand off premise care and medical treatment for him? You need help and relief too. I am so so sorry you are going through this!

springcross profile image
springcross

Hi 01776. This is just dreadful, I really feel for you. Have you contacted any of the Mental Health organisations to see if they can give you any support? I know he is having pyschiatric nurses twice a week but what about you, you need support too. I've left a link below with the helpline numbers - you may already know about this but just in case. I sincerely hope you can get some help for you too. All the best. xx

nhs.uk/conditions/stress-an...

in reply to springcross

Thank you springcross. I have contacted quite a few of the mental health organisations, however, they really can only point me in the direction of his specialist. As I have been explaining to bobbybobb, the buck is still left with me. As far as support for myself is concerned, all that they advise me to do, is to contact my own GP. Appointments are not off the ground at my surgery, and a telephone call is hardly the answer. Besides, why should I have to be put on psychiatric medication when it is my husband who needs his medication revised. Where mental health issues are concerned, there are many problems here in the UK. If the patient was my son, or daughter, I think that more notice may be taken of me. If it is a spouse, they do not like to interfere. It is a very unjust system. Thank you for replying to me.

springcross profile image
springcross in reply to

Aww 01776, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, it's just absolute ludicrous. Do they know about the car and central heating boiler? It's so unfair that they leave you to cope like this. Do you have any family or anyone you can turn to, even just to have someone to ring and talk to would be helpful for you when you feel really down. It's a pity someone can't override your husband's decision not to go into hospital, that would be a great help to you and actually to your husband too in the long run. I hear what you say about GP appointments, that's the same as ours here, they will not see anyone. It's all so frustrating for you and it's not good enough, someone should be able to do something to help. I can only wish you well 01776 and please keep in touch. 🙏 xx

in reply to

Such a long time that you've been coping with this on your own, I know myself how exhausting and frightening it is to deal with a loved one with mental health problems, I have it with my son, when he's well constantly wondering when the next episode will kick off a nd watching for the signs! There is little or no help out there, he was taken into residential care 4 years ago for a couple of days after he had cut his wrist deeply then I brought him home wit a couple of leaflets and phone numbers all of which turned out to be a waste of time, it is all so wearing I know xx

bobbybobb profile image
bobbybobbAmbassador

Tomorrow you must contact The psychiatric team and tell them you can no longer cope the way things are. It is important you get help for the sake of your own health. They should be able to make the relevant referrals to the right agencies in order to improve the situation. Things do sound very impossible for you at the moment and you need help. 🌸

in reply to bobbybobb

Thank you bobbybobb. I have been in touch with the relevant authorities for the last few months, and they have all been seeing what is going on. They did offer to take Michael to go into hospital, but he refused. They now say that they cannot force him to go into hospital, but they do say that he needs to go into hospital in order to be observed, and his medication needs reviewing. I attended a consultation with his psychiatrist last Monday, and I have told her that I cannot cope any longer. Also, Michael's community psychiatric nurse has been coming out for the last two months. However, she says that they cannot force Michael to go into hospital either. The problem is, that unless he does go into hospital there will be no improvement. I am waiting to see if they decide on whether I can receive any help or not. I really am very seriously worn out with this situation.

FlowerPreciousLover profile image
FlowerPreciousLover in reply to

Of course you are worn out. This is outrageous that you are being such a run around. Can't some legal/police help can't be given if he won't enter hospital willingly? Sending you prayers, cyber hugs and alternating with a good shake of the fist at these powers that be that are not responding humanely to your crisis. Sending you the best!

RoadRunner44 profile image
RoadRunner44

Oh my dear, what an awful state of affairs you are in. Some members have given you some suggestions. Surely you can say he is becoming a danger to you both to get some help.

I really feel for you, what a strain it must be. Do you have to wait until something dreadful happens for a wake up call. Please keep in touch as you need support. It will help you to deal with your day to day problems.

Xxx

Sunfloweronline profile image
Sunfloweronline

I have been through the replies

01776 and I’m hoping that you can find comfort and some advice that you haven’t tried before! It’s a case for you to be helped and supported immediately. I know it sounds maybe off the wall but could you get the media involved? You are needing to take drastic action coz you are gonna end up being ill yourself! I’m gonna pray for you right now x

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired

Oh dear, This is a bad situation. Are you in the UK?

If so, you can call the Psych nurses and say he is beyond your control and you fear for your safety, Also call your GP and tell them that you are in fear of his outbursts as he is damaging the house and losing contact with reality. Lay it on hard and thick, because he should have been dealt with when he crashed the car, so he is a danger to the public too.

Surely there is something which can be done before he either injures or kills somebody. This whole situation is unsafe. Lay it out, before the psychiatrist; it is clear that he isn't in control of himself, and you desperately need a break from him. How about contacting your MP?

Cheers, Midori

S11m profile image
S11m

I know that it is no laughing matter - but you could offer your experiences to the BBC, as the plot for a new series?

¿Make sure that you insurance is up to date and walk out?

¿Does he know that he is ill and needs treatment?

in reply to S11m

Thank you for you reply. I agree with you that it is no laughing matter, I sincerely do. However, I don't think that the BBC would take me up on my offer as it would show up the holes in the NHS. In other words it would not be politically correct.

If you would like to hear a little more about that serious escapade I will give you some more details. Whilst my husband was left to run loose on the streets, he had hardly any money to purchase food. If you read my lengthy reply to leo60, this is a continuation of this sad plight. When I received a telephone call from my husband, to say that he was in a pub instead of being taken to a hospital, he happened to stumble upon the remains of a funeral wake. There was plenty of food left on the table from this wake, so Michael took a plate and helped himself to some food because he was starving. One of the members of the funeral party asked him how well he knew the deceased. Obviously he could not answer this question, so they bought him a glass of whiskey to go with his food. Yes, it does sound funny in a way, but it is also quite sad.

During the course of all of this trauma, my husband's father was dying from lung cancer, and Michael's ex wife was dying from breast cancer. Which left me to assist my stepson with his mother's care. I also had my husband's bank manager ring up to say that she had frozen his bank account because she thought that someone had been trying to access it. In fact, it was Michael himself, but he had punched in some wrong numbers, hence the freeze. I was then faced with none of the household bills being paid, which also included the mortgage. Another major problem, as I was left making numerous telephone calls, and writing letters. I also needed Michael's doctor's clarification of his illness to send to our mortgage company, but was met with the 'patient confidentiality' trap. I then told Michael's doctor to 'stuff it,' and walked out of the surgery.

Are you ready for another instalment? Whilst Michael had been in London, he had left his car in a £40 a day car park. I then had to track down the relevant police station for that area and give them our car details. The police officer whom I spoke to, said 'that unless the car was nailed down it would not be there for long.'

Are you ready for the finale? My husband was finally transferred down to a hospital in Birmingham where we then lived. After a suitable period of time he was released back home. We then had to go and visit his father who was quite close to death. A few days after our visit, he died. My stepson's mother died a week later. Consequently, we had no car to attend either funeral, and one was up in Yorkshire. However, we did our duty by both family members. To end on a bright note, we did not lose our house, and by some miracle our car was found untouched, and without a parking fine.

Of course my life is an ongoing saga with Michael which has now reached another serious peak. People who suffer from bipolar disorder are not always aware that they are ill. However, it is difficult to deal with severe depression as it is not possible to break through to someone without medical intervention.

S11m profile image
S11m in reply to

It is tragic, but it is an interesting story.

I hope things will work out for you at some point.

in reply to

You have my respect for even being able to relay the details so ably with so much going on in your life, I'm just a shambles in my situation, I really hope you find some help soon xx

ddmagee1 profile image
ddmagee1 in reply to

I feel so badly for you 01776! An intervention is needed ASAP, before a tragic incident could happen! I’ve been through a very similar family situation, that ended in violence, where a family member died, as a result! It’s sad that the authorities, seem to be giving you the run around! Here in the USA, sometimes, people who have serious mental difficulties, can be involuntarily committed. The police and medical authorities need to sign papers, for this to happen. The person is then evaluated, by psychiatrists, and action can be taken, from there! Wishing you the best! Hang in there!

FlowerPreciousLover profile image
FlowerPreciousLover in reply to S11m

Actually not a bad idea...in lieu of the BBC, how about a local news tv channel to prompt some action? That can sometimes work to speed things along in the U.S. ??? Of course, the medical pros would not like to be embarrassed and thus might scamper to your aid????

Meme50 profile image
Meme50

So sorry that you are having an extremely challenging time. The medication really needs to be reviewed and YOU need help and support. You need a very good Doctor for yourself that will support you. This cannot go on.

Maybe a family member or very close friend can give you a break so you can have occasional days to yourself. Wishing you all the best.

kbrauer profile image
kbrauer

Hello,

I am sorry to hear how tough of a life storm that you are going through right now!

Do you have a Bible in your home? If not, I highly recommend it. When, I have awful storms in life such as this one, I find comfort in reading the Psalms. Proverbs and the books in the New Testament- ( Galatians, Ephesians and Philippians are a few of my favorites. I also like the Gospel of John). When I read the Bible I feel such a peace and strength and wisdom. Like I can now endure the problems that lay before me and have an idea how to resolve the task at hand. I will be praying for you and your husband!

Carol41 profile image
Carol41

Sadly it sounds as if your husband needs in hospital professional treatment and care. Wishing you well

Sops profile image
Sops

I am sorry to read of your pain. You should surely be offered a break through respite? I used to work in conjunction with social services to arrange weekend respite to young adults but am not sure about older people.

Are you safe, has a risk assessment been conducted on your behalf?

My sympathy to you. My husband became very vocal and aggressive with me when he was very ill, and I do feel your pain and worry. He re -wired part of my kitchen when I was out and it exploded and I had to call the electricity board out for a full rewire, sad part was he was an very senior electrical engineer.

.take care, Sopsx

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