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Trying to study and to deal with my Mother who talks of her foot injury and catastrophes her symptoms

Roukaya profile image

As I have said I am preparing for a fourth resit in the first exam of a Diploma in Wills and Probate .

My Mother sustained a foot injury a week ago and was given a Tetanus injection and she complains several time’s a day of her foot injury and is stubborn to see a Doctor .

I hardly go out , I try to study and my anxiety is constantly worsened by her worries which she puts on me .

55 Replies

I can understand how hard it is . Sending a big hug . Hear if you want to chat

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Mia898

Hello

How are you ?

I am trying to prepare for the resit but she tells me of her symptoms several times

Very hard for me at times

Mia898 profile image
Mia898 in reply to Roukaya

I am feel funny thanks for asking . She may try to pull you away from studying try to study. I can understand

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Mia898

I hope you are ok

I think I already feel sad that I spent my forties caring for my Father now gone

I turn fifty one next month but I am close to passing the exam and I would like to find a years work experience but every time my Mother tells me of her worries I just become overwhelmed with worry ?

I wonder if she is becoming like a child demanding attention

Also when she had a male friend in her wife she gave him the priority over me

Only when he became controlling and abusive did I stand up to him

I think I wonder when I will ever be able to make a life for myself

I am fifty totally isolated but she does have friends and a cousin who visits her

But still never enough

I think she just demands attention and reassurance like a child

Mia898 profile image
Mia898 in reply to Roukaya

Put yourself first and do the work experience . Your Mum has to look after herself you need to take a step back. Your Mum needs to sort herself out ...

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Mia898

Good evening

I hope you are ok

I have not even applied for the work experience placement yet

I seem to be concentrating on the resit which is the middle of September.

I have done a Mock Exam and I am waiting for the results

I have had several narrow failures so preparation and the right mental attitude is key .

I hade learnt from previous failures that my Mother has a tendency to impact on me her worries and this prevents me from doing the best that I can

I think it is most unfair at times for her to behave in this way knowing that I gave up my forties to care for Dad whilst her life remained undisturbed .

Hello Roukaya, Your mum has hurt her foot and she has help where she lives so remember to stay focused as a hurt foot or even a broken leg is not important enough to distract you from this important exam so you can get on with the career you want. Keep peaceful in yourself so you can think straight with your studies. Does your mother not want you to pass?

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Agoodenough

Good evening

I hope you are ok

To be honest she will catastrophe over everything with me.

But I have said she needs to see a Doctor.

But you are right , I need to keep a level head .

I can say my Mother is someone who knows how to get me worried.

Her foot where it has been torn has gone black with bruising but I have seen this normally happens

Also she has been given a Tentanus vaccination which should protect against infection .

I am studying a little every day , typing the notes and trying to memorise the facts .

I hope your day went well.

Agoodenough profile image
Agoodenough in reply to Roukaya

Well done Roukaya. You can do it xx

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Agoodenough

I hope you are keeping well

I will continue to persevere because I know how close I came last time

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement

I wish you a peaceful evening

Agoodenough profile image
Agoodenough in reply to Roukaya

Thank you x

Hi Roukaya,

Don't let your mother distract you. It's decision time. Do you really want to succeed, or will you let your mother sabotage your study and eventual exam. Only you can decide what your priority is. And if you decide to put your mother second, it's only for a period of time. Studying hard and passing your exam will, I'm sure, please her as much as it will please you. Stick with it!

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to

Good morning

I hope you are well.

I think my Mother is someone who has always put herself first and I realised this when she met a male friend three years ago

Two year’s ago I discovered he was only ever her Assets but whilst she was with with him if I ever said something wrong she would get bad tempered with me

I am turning fifty one and now he has become an enemy to her I realise to a certain extent she no longer has him and turns to me instead

If I do not break the cycle I will always be in this position

bobbybobb profile image
bobbybobbAmbassador

Hi Roukaya, you say your mum knows how to worry you, this may be something she does to stop you going ahead with the things you want in life. Maybe she is afraid of you, moving on and leaving her behind once you gain your qualifications. I think firstly, you must reassure your mum that, you will always be there but right now, this is your time. Your time to concentrate, study hard and pass those exams. You must close your ears to your mum's demands at least until your exams are over, if you are to give yourself a chance. Try to be strong of mind and determined to plough through these next few weeks in order to obtain your Diploma. 😊🌼🌸

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to bobbybobb

Good morning

I hope you are well

Thank you for your reply

It is my birthday and I am sad to be alone .

My Mother as I have just explained has always put herself first and badly treated me when she had her male friend in her life

Even insulting me on the eve of the second resit because I said a bad word against him

I am torn between her welfare and how she treated me and perhaps the day I pass and find a years work experience will I be able to feel less bad about my own situation

I am taken for granted and I realise it does not matter what I say as she values others

Why parents have children and when they meet someone else they discard that child

I have experienced this from both parents .

But unless I try to apply myself and find a years work experience I will never move on

Thank you for listening

Marnie22 profile image
Marnie22 in reply to Roukaya

I wish you all the best on your birthday. 🎈🎉😌🌸

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Marnie22

Thanks

I hope you are well.

Marnie22 profile image
Marnie22 in reply to Roukaya

Thank you. I am okay. I hope you can do something nice to celebrate your birthday today. 🙂🌸

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Marnie22

Hello

I should have made it clear that my birthday is next month .

I think this is also a reason why I fail is because I am not accurate in what I write down

Marnie22 profile image
Marnie22 in reply to Roukaya

I hope I will remember that next month, but with my memory problems I can't guarantee it! 🙂🌸

Hi

You are doing so well with your studies, please don't let your Mum distract you from them. Put yourself first so that you can pass these exams which I'm sure you will pass with all the hard work you are putting in. Lots of love Lynne xxxx ❤️🤗🌈💜

Been there, done that! My Mom had a mild stroke, and became extremely demanding! Her cognitive ability was compromised. When my brother was looking after her, she couldn’t understand him having other important things, for him, to do! My brother is a busy, successful Attorney-at-Law, so, he did indeed have important things to do! My Mom didn’t like it, and would sulk, so my brother had to let her stew! With me, it was the same way. Everything was always about her, and her problems. That’s ok, because she is my Mom, and couldn’t help but feel the way she did. Being retired, I could give her more attention, than my brother, so it worked out. I certainly can empathize with you! If only somebody else could help, and spend time with your Mom, so you could study, would be the ideal solution, but, I know, that isn’t always possible!

I used to record a précis of my notes when I did my Law Society finals and played them all the time - in the car, gardening, doing housework etc. It really helped. Also, I find it hard to sit still for anything length of time!

Hope that helps.

I sympathise about your mother. Maybe you need to take a hard line and tell her you can only talk to her once every couple of days at the moment?

Really hope you can get through this and good luck with the exams. X

Hi Roukaya, we talked at length about your exams last time. So lets think about your Mum.

You have said she is in another country, she has friends and a support mechanism. You couldn't fly off to nurse her even if you wanted to.

What you need to do is work out what she is trying to do and why it upsets you so much.

Is it possible she wants you to fail, not just your exam but your life here, and go back to be her nurse in her old age as you did for your Dad?

I know you feel a strong sense of duty - would you consider doing that?

Because if you would not then you need to find your 'coping mechanism' with your mum.

You have given up a large part of your life to nurse your dad, it is no use regretting that now, it is gone. But you need to look forward and try to make the future better.

So, if you have worked out what your mother is doing why are you so upset by her. Do you feel guilty? Why should you?

You need to train yourself to talk to her on the phone, sympathise, say what she wants to hear, I suggest that is better for you than arguing, then put the phone down, think to yourself, 'there she goes again' and put it out of your mind.

You say she is like a demanding child - treat her like one.

Try rationing her calls 'I can't speak to you tomorrow mum because ....., I'll call the day after'

(yes I know excuses are harder to find at the moment)

Or, 'I must go now I have to ..... (do the ironing, hang out the washing, answer another call)'

Roukaya , my dear, it is not easy. I had a difficult mother. She succeeded in wrecking my sisters life, I had to be very strong to stop her doing the same with mine.

You are 50, you still have time to make a good life, but that time will go quickly.

Treat handling your mum as a project. You could try reading books on psychology as you are clearly used to studying. Or dare I say you could seek help from a therapist?

If your sense of duty stops you breaking ties with her then cut the emotional ties. Listen to her but don't let it get to you.

I wish you the very best

Margaret

Good morning

I hope you are well.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Concerning the years I spent looking after Dad was essential as he was being taken advantage of by a younger woman

During this time , my Mother overseas put all the responsibility on me whilst her life remained undisturbed .

I cared for Dad and managed his Properties and he died two years ago

Since 2017 I registered to study Wills and Probate but I had no idea that by me going over to visit Mum out of my loneliness would be detrimental to my studies

Plus I think I realise she met a male friend three years ago and she gave him the priority

He also made advances to me but she took out her anger on me but took him back

A year later he became abusive to her and I stood up to him now he is plain nasty because he not get hold of her Assets

I am concerned for Mum but as she treats me as an someone to serve her needs and wants I will not go back and nurse her as I did this last year when she had Shingles

I explained I postponed exams for you she said

It is always her that comes first she is Narcissistic

She manipulated her friends for her own gain

This is why she has friends

But she would never insult them like me

I expect in all of this I can never get over how treats me like a dog when her male friend made advances to me

But this has shown me it is always her first

But as you rightly say whether I work or sit at home or remained a lonely spinster means nothing to her

So this is why I probably resent having to check on her on account how she treated me in the past

Thank you for listening

in reply to margaretpaloma

That's the thing though is when you make decisions like caring for a parent you can only make the best decision with what you knew at the time you made it same as with me when I left my previous job last year the only thing I regretted was not having done it sooner but I only made the best decision that I could at that time with what I knew which is all you can do really.

Dear Roukaya, You have so much hurt there. You have to leave it behind. You say you cannot get over how she treats you - you must, otherwise you will just shrivel up with resentment . It may help you to write down all your hurts, then turn over the page in the book, start a new one and write only positive things on it, literally and figuratively. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

You 'have to' do nothing, you can cut yourself off from her if you chose to, I think you have too great a sense of duty to do that. But you owe it to yourself to minimise the damage she does to you.

I cut myself off from my mother when her behaviour became intolerable. I was sad to, but I could not accept her wrecking my life, and my relationship with my lovely husband which she attacked, as she did my sisters.

She too would have liked me to leave my successful life, move back to the council estate where I was brought up and, like my sister, be close to her. The great irony was that she wanted me to go to University, but did not understand it would entail me leaving home, for good.

You will not change your mother, you cannot change the past.

You can believe in yourself, take control of your life and succeed.

I truly hope you do, as I said last time, I am rooting for you.

Good morning

I hope you are well.

I thank you greatly for your understanding.

There is a great deal of hurt and resentment but I must learn to let this go otherwise this will make me bitter .

I am unable to walk away also as she has Assets there are many who take advantage of her .

I think you did very well to progress from an unhappy childhood to make something of yourself and find a good husband

I think I have learnt that she will never change but I must change

It is my birthday in August and I am thinking of going away in U.K. somewhere but even then she criticised this .

I realise now how damaging she is to me and I have been studying since the beginning of June but I expect as the exam approaches in September she clearly only thinks of herself .

Thank you for being kind enough to listen

I hope you are keeping well.

How do you spend your time in Lock Down

I am a very lucky lady Roukaya. In the late 1980s when I was nearly 40 I had just met the man who was to be my life partner when our world fell apart. I became so ill I couldn't work (they tentatively diagnosed ME ) and my husband had an accident so couldn't work either. We had nothing, and no help.

We gradually pulled it back together, I started a second career which , fortuitously, had an excellent pension scheme. He also followed a different path as his accident made his previous career difficult. We both worked hard and were successful.

At that time I thought we would be lucky have any sort of home in our old age. And that was the time when my mothers attitude became unbearable.

I write that because of what I will say next.

I now live in a detached villa 200m from the Mediterranean in Spain. I can see and hear the sea from my home. I am just going to have a swim in our pool, then we will both go to our studios and do a little work at our creative hobbies, I have posted things we have made on here before. We have lived here throughout lockdown, shopping delivered, international friends in email contact, I love to cook so we have lived well even if life has been restricted. I have fibromyalgia, and I have had both my hips replaced, so the last years have not been pain free, but we are in a lovely place. I am, as I said, a very lucky lady.

My dear Roukaya, there was a time I despaired. I turned it round, it was not easy.

That is why I truly empathise with you. I truly hope you can turn things round too, you deserve to, do not forget that.

Margaret xx

Good Afternoon

I would like to thank you for the time and patience you have had with me

If you have found happiness then this was kept for you .

My Mother also owns several flats two by the sea as well and when I go I usually stay in one .

It is not all bad with me

I paid off the mortgage on my rental property and I found a tenant which moved in June and this provides me with an income .

Secondly I am financially independent so I really am able to cope but I think it would so much better to have a career in Wills and Probate and meet like minded as I experienced when I volunteered in Age U.K.

I expect you have made me realise if I continue to persevere and apply for a years work experience may be I will be able to find an alternative life by which Mums impact on me would be less

I expect the reason why I keep in touch with her is that those who surround her are there as well as for their own gain

I saw too much of this with my Father

We almost lost everything

You deserve your happiness and what is meant for you will always be yours

in reply to margaretpaloma

That's the thing though circumstances can change at the drop of a hat!

in reply to margaretpaloma

That's great advice to listen to and act upon as like you said there's nothing you can do about what's gone before but you can learn lessons from it to take forward for the future.

The other day I said about how I had said to one of my friends how the attitude of my parents towards me isn't my problem and I have wiped me feet of it as I don't control other people and would make myself poorly if I tried to and she had said good for me!

margaretpaloma profile image
margaretpaloma in reply to

Indeed catgirl, a very wise lady said to me 'relationships, be they family, marriages, friendships, have to be worked at to make them successful, but if there comes a time when you are the one doing all the work, and despite all you efforts you are getting nothing back out of the relationship, then that is the time to consider whether you want to continue it.' Worth thinking about.

You have given me your valuable life experience in the context of dealing with my Mother

You have made me realise the imperative need for me to change and concentrate on the task at hand

You were brave enough to walk away

I cannot do this but I can define boundaries

Thank you

You are welcome, or 'de nada' as we say in Spain.

Thanks you gave me valuable insight and understanding

Today I felt a little free knowing that Mums life is her life and it is unfair she puts her worries and anxieties on me .

This is where I will no longer argue as she is stubborn and headstrong

Thanks and you have been very patient with me

I think you are right as I turn fifty one , it is not too late but important not to waste my life fixing the responsibilities of my Mothers life to my own detriment.

Lesson learnt

Good morning

I hope you are well.

Thank you for your advice and I now realise that my Mother expects me to be at her beck and call and clearly she has a way of destroying of my self belief abc self confidence.

I also own a property by the sea as Mum partially helped me to buy the flat by the sea .

Mum owns several properties all empty and before I would help her to find the right agents and support but what ever I do is never enough

I will listen to her but not become emotionally involved with her life knowing that she is a demanding little child who needs constant reassurance and when she had the man in her life she pushed me aside .

I could retire tomorrow but I would like to continue with my aim but I realise I need to have a purpose .

It is important to be careful as there is a second wave of the Corona virus.

I think it is incredible you could walk away , something I cannot do being an only child but you have made me see things very clearly

Good morning Roukaya,

I have nothing to add to all the posts you have received this morning. They are all "dead right". I am sure that a temporary break from the "button pushing" will enable you to focus on your studies. By "button pushing" I mean your mother knows which "buttons" to push to upset you. It sounds as if she is phoning you several times a day. I couldn't cope with that at all, whoever it was. Try and find a practical solution. Big hugs, Maggie

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to MaggieSylvie

Good morning

I hope you are keeping well.

Many in this site have been very helpful to me .

I realise she cares about herself first

I will learn to put myself first and realise I have to do this before it is too late .

I never thought a Mother could be selfish and hurtful

Why ?

But it seems she has no idea of my struggles but I will let her be and she can shout at others as she has done with me for many years

I hope you are well

in reply to Roukaya

It's probably because she is unhappy in herself and takes it out on you is what's behind the selfish attitude towards you.

How many weeks until your exam? !!! Have you told your mother your own problems - i.e. trouble studying with all the interruptions?

As for me, I am now taking the Naproxen which makes life a bit easier.

See if you can go a day without contact with Mum. If you can go a day, you can go two days etc. Good luck.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to MaggieSylvie

Good morning

I hope you are well.

To be honest with you if I do not answer the phone she will call the two horrible Aunties to find out why I am not answering the phone

I have done this before

It is really for me to listen but cut of emotional ties with her because she can be damaging to me .

I understand this now as I am taking the exam for the fourth time

I hope you get relief from your pain killers

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired in reply to Roukaya

I suggest you turn off your phone for a few days, and get some studying done.Your mum is not in any danger, she has people around her to help. If you really must, tell her that you will be doing it, but I would personally just do it, and explain why you had to afterwards.

Concentrate on yourself and your studies right now; it is imperative that you qualify. Your mum has support, you do not (apart from us!).

Put yourself first, your future is important, and your mum is, being grossly unfair to you, in my opinion.

Cheers, Midori

in reply to Midori

That's a great idea to switch the phone off and if she asks the aunties say that the phones broken!

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired in reply to

Thats the way to do it!

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Midori

Good evening

I hope you are keeping well.

I will never know how my Mother had so much control over me

The resit is mid September and I am studying everyday

I would like to pass as I care very close twice .

But it is essential I continue to focus on my own responsibilities and try only to listen to Mum not let her worries bring me down

I have tried my best for Mum but aware she can shatter me at time’s and feed and intensify my anxiety .

Thank you for your kind understanding.

I am sure your home is progressing well

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Midori

I hope you are well

Thank you for your kind advice

I realise that I have a sense of duty to Mum but I should not let her worries overwhelm me to my own detriment.

It has taken me three years to come to this realisation

I hope you are well ?

How is your new home progressing

You have always been kind to me

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired in reply to Roukaya

The bungalow is proceeding well, I'm rather tired today as I've been trying to do a lot of housework in one go, which doesn't work well for me. Also I haven't had my nap yet.

I have a pile of cardboard packing which needs to be collapsed and put out or collection; I was hoping a local Hospice charity might like very good quality heavy duty packing cases for storing donations, also bubble wrap and Yards of brown paper suitable for wrapping. They still aren't open again yet, so I can't find out. Need a new dishwasher, the old one has decided it wants to die, so, back on the Internet!

Cheers, Midori

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Midori

You are doing very well

You have moved , made a change , furnishing a new home takes courage

Could you pre-empt this by contacting them and telling them that you need peace and quiet and ask them to "look after" your mother until you have sat your exam? Or if you live on a ground floor, put a notice in your window to say PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB - studying. By asking them to do the listening to your mother you are appealing to the better part of their natures. Needs must.

I hope you are well

My Mother lives overseas so there is no point in putting a do not disturb sign

If I were to contact her so called friends they would immediately report me

How many time’s she has spoilt things for me

Even now as I am planning to go away for my birthday she expects me to stay by myself.

Infact until the exam , I will just agree with her until mid September

She will always does as she pleases

She made this very cheat when she had the Male friend in her life

He never care for her

But given her behaviour in the past I will not let her undermine me

I expect she is quite happy to see me unemployed and unmarried

in reply to Roukaya

Some people are just bitter and spiteful and are only happy when they are spoiling things for others and making them miserable because they are unhappy in themselves.

You’re mother might be looking for sympathy ? This is temporary, can you go to the library in the meantime? 🙏😷

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Want2BHappy3

Good Afternoon

I hope you are ok

I have supported my Mother emotionally for all of my life but when she meets someone else thru are given better treatment

When it goes wrong then she comes back

Fortunately she lives overseas and she puts in such a kind face to them

If she is able to shout at me then I should learn to deal with an emotionally draining mothet

So sorry your going through this. It would be a good idea to see a therapist or talk to a professional for your anxiety. Our son has started for his own reasons, which I believe a lot has to do with the situation our country is in. Prayers go out to you and your mother, hopefully she'll give in and see a doctor 🙏🏾🙏🏻🙏🏼🙏❤

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