Trying to cope with loneliness and sa... - Positive Wellbein...

Positive Wellbeing During Self-Isolation

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Trying to cope with loneliness and sadness

Roukaya profile image
78 Replies

I often post on here for company and support.

I only have a Mother who has injured her foot since Monday but being alone in U.K. I can question the purpose of my life at times.

I turn 51 next month. I'm unmarried and trying to resit a diploma in Wills and Probate for the fourth time.

I spent my forties taking care of an elderly Father and now my Mother is concerned she may be hospitalized as a result of her foot injury.

I wonder how others cope with isolation and loneliness

78 Replies
Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits

You have a dream to qualify and help older people to make wills at an affordable cost. That can be your purpose in life. You said recently you have a study plan and are working towards your goal. You can't do anything practical to help your mother right now, she has help from another relative so isn't alone.

I'm a little older than you, also unmarried and childless with no family except an elderly mother some way away.

I have been shielding alone since March and will be continuing for the foreseeable future. You have to like yourself and enjoy your own company, you can't ever get away from yourself after all!

Find something to be thankful for every day. Look outwards not inwards. Stop concentrating on what you don't have and be grateful for what you do. You have a home, enough money, food, clean water, hot water, electricity, heat, arms and legs, eyesight and hearing. All good things and not to be taken for granted.

Try to help someone each day. Even if that means praying for them. Pray for the world, or for your neighbourhood, or for the friends you have made here. There are a lot of suffering people on this site who would love to think someone cared enough to send up a prayer.

Best wishes. This is not meant as an attack or criticism. I know you have felt sensitive in the past about advice offered to you with good intent.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

Good evening

I hope you are feeling ok

Your reply is well worded and thoughtful and I should be grateful for what I do have .

If I had not acted in caring for my Father and managing his Business I certainly would not have the home I live in today plus I am able to manage as you have said .

You may be surprised to hear that I actually sponsor two girls in Syria and Sudan and I am looking to sponsor another

I am also a philanthropist as I give regular food parcels to widows and orphans and to where there is the greatest need

Thank you for reminding me of my aim I life knowing this should be at the forefront of my mind

And my Mother is receiving the support of a close family friend and her cousin so really you are quite right

I appreciate your honestly and I wish you good health

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits in reply to Roukaya

I'm not surprised that you sponsor those girls or provide for widows and orphans. You are a good Muslim and giving is part of your religious observation. All any of us can do is our best at any given time, some days we will fail and then we have to be kind to ourselves, pick ourselves up and try again. I'm not sure why you struggle to make friends? Has anyone ever said why they find it difficult to be in a relationship with you? You said a therapist told you she found you childish. Did she give you any help with anything or just list your perceived faults?

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

Good evening

Very perceptive

Giving is part of Islam and this is the reason why Muslims should give in order to assist with the eradication of poverty

In fact I have always said if I earn more I will give more

I no longer talk to the Therapist as I was told I talk like a child because I am a child

I think after today I will try again and again until the three exams are passed and find a years work experience

It is not so much a dream but in my view a necessity given the times we live in today

I do not see why specialist legal advice should be for those who can afford such advice

This is why I would like to have a half way house between Age U.K. and Private Practice having worked for both

I hope you continue to find strength in terms of your faith and thank you for your understanding.

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits in reply to Roukaya

I used to work in law myself back in the days of the Legal Aid system. I think you have a very good idea and I truly hope you achieve your goal. You have friends here you know. Not the same as having someone you can meet in person I know but I have a feeling that as your confidence grows you will find people are more drawn to you. Sometimes we need to be alone to work on ourselves. Being alone isn't the same as being lonely either! It's quite possible to be lonely in a big crowd of people if we aren't feeling comfortable there or feeling that we fit in. You will find your place and your people. Don't give up.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

Very sound advice and thank you for believing in my idea.

I suppose it is a culmination of studying law , not getting the practical training , being a carer and managing a property business and then volunteering at Age UK all contributed to this idea of a community law centre which would be affordable and friendly .

I think I have to accept the aloneness as part of this process and God in his own time will answer our prayers as long as we help our selves

Kind words

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits in reply to Roukaya

This is good! Using your experience and learning from it. That in itself shows how much you have matured and grown! It is our responsibility to do what we can and trust God for the rest. Also remember life has seasons. You may be alone right now but that doesn't mean you always will be.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

I am beginning to see you are a religious and spiritual person who can see that God always has a plan for each one of us in his Grand Design

I have learnt and learnt as God gives us lessons and struggles to learn from .

Pain and struggle are great teachers , so painful we never forget .

I hope you are keeping well and I truly appreciate the warmth of your advice

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits in reply to Roukaya

You're very welcome. It's so good to see you making good progress. You will always love your mother and be concerned about her, of course you will, but it has to be in a healthy and balanced way and not at the expense of your own good health and peace of mind.

Thank you for asking, I haven't been so good lately. Struggling in several ways. Trusting in God as ever.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

I hope in time your prayers are answered and you feel better.

God always protects and is the greatest healer .

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits in reply to Roukaya

Bless you. Thank you very much. With your permission I will pray for you.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

Very kind gesture from you

In Islam it is said you if show mercy to others God will show mercy to you

Thank you

Sunfloweronline profile image
Sunfloweronline in reply to Ghounds

Wow

How fantastic is your advice 😊

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits in reply to Sunfloweronline

Well thank you. Lessons learned from a life of bitter experiences.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

I have just said something which echoes your sentiments

Hi Roukaya

I'm so sorry you are struggling. Have you ever thought of joining groups i.e. have you thought about yoga? Do you have any friends you can confide in?

I have a friend, although married, has always cared. She helped her mum care for her grandmother (her mum's mum), was caring for her mother in law before lockdown and her mother in law was awful to her, and also has her own mother living with her who won't do things for herself where she's perfectly capable (her mother is only 4 years older than me), her mother is lazy. The crux of it is my friend said to me yesterday that it's about time she put her and her 2 daughters and husband first. My friend has a serious back problem and is in constant pain and has IBS, her 16 year old daughter has severe JIA (Juvenile idiopathic Arthritis) and her husband has diabetes and now possibly angina.

What I'm saying is I think you need to put yourself first and be kind to yourself, don't feel guilty. 51 is still young.

Please take care of you, you've done a lot if caring, it's time for yourself.

Alicia xx

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to

Good evening

I hope you are well

Thank you for you kind reply

I have been studying but when I hear of my Mothers worries this increase my anxiety and she knows this

I will resume going to the local gym and look to participate in classes and I will make the efforts to create a life .

I do not have any friends and for some reason I cannot seem to form friendships

But thank you for your kind understanding

I wish you a good evening

in reply to Roukaya

Hi Roukaya

I'm good thank you and you are welcome.

My husband is going through the same with his mother but he's learning to switch off, not easy but it can be done.

That's a very good plan, well done, you can do it.

Just be kind to yourself first, work through your anxiety as much as you can. Have a look at the Thrive Programme on the internet, the Programme helps a lot.

Be kind to yourself is a very good place to start.

Alicia xx

bobbybobb profile image
bobbybobbAmbassador

Hi Roukaya, I think sometimes we are nicely pondering along getting on with things and then, all of a sudden, there will be this sudden rush of fear, bewilderment, isolation, confusion even. I don't think this is just restricted to people who suffer with anxiety or depression, I think, we can all feel like this. It's our sudden realization of where we fit in, in our world and the space we are in. I agree with Ghounds in the notion that, we need to get back to the things that keep us grounded and put's everything back into it's perspective. I think it's great you are helping people, you will be making a big difference to the lives of those people. When you pass your exams, you will go on to help even more people and make a difference to them also. You will always worry about your mum, because you love her because she is your mum, regardless of the stresses she brings you. 😊🌸🌼

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to bobbybobb

Very well said

She is my Mother

I think I witnessed her suffer a very brutal marriage and left my Father to make an independent life , though my Father did support my Mother it has left wounds deep inside me

I have not been sleeping to well so I went out for the day and bought nothing

I am beginning to see my aims far supersede retail therapy

I am just a little tired abs lonely but Ghounds gave sound and solid advice

Thank you for reply

Sunfloweronline profile image
Sunfloweronline

I’m hoping that you are able to reach out for advice and support and build your confidence. Don’t let your mum be your only focus, be a brave girl and make some phone calls and be kind to yourself 💕💕🌈🎉😊

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired

Hi Roukaya,

I agree with both Ghounds and Bobbybob. But lonely you don't need to be; we are here for you. You do have more than you realise, it is sometimes that, in difficult circumstances we fail to see and appreciate our blessings.

If we were all closer together, I'm sure we would all be going out for coffee and similar. Because we aren't geographically close, we have to be friends this way.

Take comfort, Your Mum is cared for, What will be, will be. Concentrate on You.

Cheers, Midori

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Midori

Good evening

I hope you are well

Thank you very much for your kind words of understanding and support

I appreciate this very much

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Midori

I hope your home is progressing

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired

Yes, My home is getting there slowly, but now I'm just about furnished, I have to consider the costs of getting things done to the house itself and the garden., like painting outside, moving and repairing the retaining wall that stops the house at the back moving into my garden, :) Then a Conservatory, kitchen and bathroom and some heavy gardening.

Makes me tired just thinking about it! :)

Cheers, Midori

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Midori

I am sure your home will look beautiful

Well worth the effort

thara9643 profile image
thara9643

Hi

Do you have any hobbies? Can you work or not? I find that distraction techniques are helpful for combating isolation. Find a purpose in life and also create a list of goals too to work on. Since you cannot take care of your mom now, being able to think outside the box and list some other good ways to keep yourself busy is essential here for your mental wellbeing. Embrace adult learning classes.

Avoid drinking alcohol too as far as possible. Start noting the good things rather than dwell on the bad things. Make some new friends and learn a new skill. Now is a good time. Take care of yourself. What do you have in terms of possessions that make you happy? Remember that life is for living not looking back and feeling sad either. Be in charge of your destiny etc. Show gratitude whenever possible towards others.

Keep a feelings diary. Also have a goal chart. Each night tick off a goal that has been achieved. Plan how to accomplish that goal in addition. Stay active. Aim to do some type of charity work. I hope you read and accept my advice.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to thara9643

Good morning

I hope you are well.

Thank you fir your advice and I appreciate what you have said.

I think the general view point is that I must learn to appreciate what I have and learn to walk away from past regrets and build on the new

Thank you for pointing this out to me

I would like to say I will be attempting a resit in September for the fourth time and previous failures are because I let me myself become overwhelmed by my Mother who lives overseas

I think since I lost my Father two years ago and being an only child it would seem I dread the worst from happening but she does have a friend and a family friend to keep a check on her

The Gym reopens tomorrow so I will go start attending and prepare for the resit in a Diploma in Wills and Probate

The group on here are very supportive and very understanding and thank you

I hope you are well

leo60 profile image
leo60

Hi Roukaya, I cannot add anything to what Ghounds has so eloquently said to you, except we are all here for you and be kind to yourself xx

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya

Good morning

I hope you are well.

I think what I am realising that I am the daughter of two parents who have always been very strung and able to put themselves first .

It has taken me years to realise that it is essential I find the right path but I as I come across as lacking in self confidence which has been knocked out of me since a child may this is why I struggle to believe in my self.

I will continue to persevere as we all have a purpose in life

I hope you are well

kathq profile image
kathq

I feel for you, my husband passed away in hospital in June and after 31 years together I am desperately lonely and sad. People tell me its early days, but I cant see any light yet. Life has changed forever. Enjoy what you have, life can change in an instant. Take care

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to kathq

Good morning

I hope you are ok

I was the sole carer to my elderly Father during my forties and since he died two years ago I struggle with the exams to requalify as a Probate Lawyer

As you have only just lost your beloved husband in June you will still be in deep grief but also it is important to treasure the fact you had a wonderful marriage to a caring husband otherwise you would miss him so much

I grew up in an abusive and violent home and left to to make a better life

It did not work out for me as I returned to where my Father lived and became his carer.

It will take time to process your sadness and yesterday I went out as I could not study and realised that despite the loss it is important to make a life which is fulfilling and rewarding for you

I wonder if you should contact Cruise as they deal with bereavement counselling.

If ever you are sad abs lonely , many on this site will show you kindness.

ninelives profile image
ninelives in reply to Roukaya

Roukaya I saw you had a troubled childhood

I just wanted to reach out and say that whilst the horror always remains you can overcome it to some degree.

I had horrific abuse from both my stepfather and step grandfather so I do understand.I went on to have a successful nursing career ,met an amazing man and built a good life-we never forget but in my case eventually closed the door on my past and slowly moved forward in baby steps.

Best of luck in all you do -especially in your studies we are all unique and awesome people .

kathq profile image
kathq in reply to Roukaya

Thank you

in reply to kathq

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

kathq profile image
kathq in reply to

Thank you

ninelives profile image
ninelives in reply to kathq

Thinking of you Kathy and sending big virtual hug x

ninelives profile image
ninelives

Very best of luck with your studies.

It's hard to stay positive and outward looking for many especially during these unsettled times.

I do try to find something to be grateful for every day however small and always try and have a positive mindset when I wake up.

I also balance what I can realistically achieve during the day and give myself a pat on the back when I manage something but don't worry about it if I can't.

I wish you well-look forward as we cannot change the past but the future is yours.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to ninelives

I hope you are well

I expect it is the loneliness and lack of self confidence which contributes to my lack of self belief

I think it is important to always believe in your self and make the best of life

I think as I only have an elderly Mother by herself she has a foot injury and I am concerned but I think in time it will take time to heal

But she can behave like a little child needed constant reassurance but this aggravated my own anxiety

Trains60 profile image
Trains60

Just read your post turned 60 during lockdown not able to have the celebration l would have liked also unmarried. I experience loneliness but got through lockdown reading doing excersise etc . I live on my own and sometimes find the need to experience complete freedom in b birthday suit!

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Trains60

I think I am learning to realise that we should make the best of what ever situation we find ourselves in

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

Just read your posts re loneliness spending time in bad company. I experience loneliness and made friends on this site. Being completely honest and open has helped me build up trust with friends. I am happy to chat on this site. You have qualities that are unique to your character.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Trains60

Good morning

I hope you are keeping well.

This site has been kind and thoughtful .

How are you managing in post Lock Down

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

I am really glad to be back at my voluntary work and next Monday my paid work one day a week. Getting used to wearing face covering all the time. Struggling with a consistent good sleep pattern also dealing with unexpected early morning surprises.

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Trains60

Dear Roukaya l hope you have had a good day. We had some heavy rain. You talk about your Mom and are looking out for her as a son does. I lost my parents within six years of each other Mom first and still miss them dearly.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Trains60

I hope you are ok

My concern is simply because I am far away whilst she tells me of her worries

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

I am OK thanks and understand the situation you are in. I am happy to chat and share any help we can to support each other.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Trains60

Thank you

I hope you are ok

How do you manage loneliness

in reply to Trains60

I have found going out for daily walks has helped me make my way through lockdown and it brightens me up!

Trains60 profile image
Trains60

Thanks for your reply and good luck!

cljones profile image
cljones

There is an article that talsabout coping with isolation. I put the link here. It is very good. I found it very helpful myself.

jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&do...

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya

I wish you a good evening and thank you fir talking to me

I find loneliness very hard at times to accept

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

It is a pleasure to talk to you and l too wish you a good evening.

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Trains60

I am in Gloucester Forest of Dean. Where are you?

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

I am in Gloucester Forest of Dean. Where are you?

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Trains60

I live in the East Midlands

Derbyshire

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

Is it a nice county? I hope we can continue to chat in the days ahead?

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Trains60

Good Afternoon

How are you

How did you spend your day today

I have been able to talk to some members on this site who have been supportive to me

People on here are kind and understanding

I now realise what an impact my Mother has on me and slowly beginning to understand that the power to change has to come from us

I used to go out of my way to help my Mother, if she could not cope I would go over and visit

Now I realise all taken for granted

Makes me feel sad that some parents do not value or appreciate the one daughter God have them

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

Thanks for your post. I had a good nights sleep woke to call of nature. As l said l still miss my parents dearly. Had a meeting at ten and chilled the rest of the day. Be strong. I am happy to talk about pretty much anything. I like to be open and honest.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Trains60

I hope you are well

I have been trying to study and not let my Mothers worries over whelm me

I did some grocery shopping near where I live .

I take joy from the simple pleasures I life .

How are you managing

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

I am managing OK trying to keep positive and enjoy some music enjoying some chlll out time

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Trains60

I would like to ask if you have any interests or hobbies

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

I am very involved in our local steam railway where l have been a volunteer for eleven years. I also love proper camping tent etc camp fires skinny dipping at the base of a waterfall

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Trains60

That way you are able to meet and interact with people

This is my issue , I spend to much time by myself

Instead of thinking positive I tend to think of anxious thoughts

I love travelling but now suspended due to Covid 19, I like visiting new countries and visiting places in UK

Love eating out and learning to come out of my shell and trying to make a life for myself

Learning one thing , I know I only have my Mother left and I listen and support her but part of me knows she always puts herself first and does as she pleases .

I think as I am fifty going in fifty one , my Mother in her own way is getting on and tired but my heart was broken when she met a male friend and she put him first .

He is now out of the picture and this us why I would like to make a life for myself

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

I turned 60 during lockdown. I would really like to help you having experienced the same issues. You wil get through. I use public transport . If you are happy using transport l would be happy to invite you up to the forest which is beautiful. I am to share more about myself and help you through these chats.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Trains60

Good morning

I hope you are well.

How will you spend your day ?

Kind of you to invite me to where you live

I use public transport and may be I could visit one day ?

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

Good morning. I have just returned from doing jobs at the steam railway. You would be welcome to visit me where l live any time. Would weekends or the week work for you?

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Trains60

Good Afternoon

I hope you are ok

I think I would like to visit after mid September

As you can see my Mother befriends all kinds of people for help and when it back fires she tells me

As I have failed the first part of the Diploma for three years I will let her sort out her mess

I think when she met her male friend a few years ago she knew how to discard me

Every time I take her call it is an endless list of worries which is in turn wrecking my ability to sort out my own life

Best thing is to leave her alone

Also it is important to be very careful when meeting people on line

I am just a very careful person given the experiences I have had

I hope you can understand this

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

Thanks for your message. I fully understand you being careful about meeting people on line. There is no pressure just when you feel like a short break. I would like to be of help in dealing with your loneliness and giving you a break from your Mom

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Trains60

Thank you

My Mother lives overseas but the pattern is beginning to resemble that of my Father

They do things , mix with people and tell them their life story and when it goes wrong I am expected to sort it out which is wrong

I can no longer support my Mother like I used to otherwise I will be in the same situation

I hope you day went well

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

It did go well thanks. I am also happy to share more about myself. I believe in being open and honest.

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

How have you been doing? I go back to work on Monday and am happy about that. I do one day a week which is a Monday. Hope you have a good weekend.l am busy at the steam trains today.

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

I hope you are having a good day take care

Trains60 profile image
Trains60

How are you doing? I had a busy day at the steam railway today.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Trains60

Good evening

I hope you are well

Thanks for asking

I had a quiet day studying and I did a Mock Exam ?

How was your day ?

Trains60 profile image
Trains60

I had a good day. How did you find your mock exam? Good luck with your studies. I am now relaxing to music.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Trains60

Mock exams went ok

I have done it before but I did again to get my timings right

What music do you like ?

Trains60 profile image
Trains60 in reply to Roukaya

I like classical music fleetwood Mac musicals . I am happy to chat and share coping with the new normal.

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