Hiya I’m slightly worried my mum is high risk and she told me she’s had visitors every week i can’t keep tab on her as I’m a risk aswell have 3 children and I’m pregnant.is this allowed?
I told her I don’t think she’s allowed visitors but she said she can’t cope anymore being alone i stopped FaceTiming her for a while due to sickness in pregnancy and it got her really down but at this point I had to put myself first but she’s resulted to letting people in and giving them dinner etc even invited her ex husband who lives 2 hrs away
.she has vascular dementia so please no negative comments to my post.
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Afrohair
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With your Mums situation it may be more damaging to not see people, I understand your concern and can only hope her visitors are mindful of keeping her safe, you could contact age UK for advice x
Hi Afrohair, I know your mum throws up some challenges for you because of her vascular dementia, and this is a difficult situation for you. Yes, she's breaking the rules, but you can only really point that out to her. It's not possible for you to have complete charge of her.
But I think it would be fair enough to point out to her that you won't be able to see her, or let her see her grandchildren if she's indulging in risky behaviour. If that won't persuade her to stop, then there's not much more you can do. Bringing the risk of covid19 into your own home would be unthinkable. But sadly, people who have vascular dementia aren't always able to think through the repercussions of what they are doing. Hope you can work something out with her. 🙏
I’ve told her the rules will still apply with me.she keeps saying rules have changed.and she won’t live in that bubble anymore she’s had people from different houses going around I said you don’t know where they have been.
Also Dosent help her elderly neighbours are doing same and one even went to the beach for a holiday it’s a little frustrating this week as quite a few people we know are high risk and don’t seem to care and they are making out our family is over reacting x
Hi Afrohair. Well stick to your guns and don't let other people wear you down so that you compromise your own safety. Your mum is important, of course she is, but what's most important at the moment is your safety and the safety of your unborn baby, the kids and your partner. There are loads of people out there who are just going to do as they wish, but you don't have to be harassed into joining them. Keep yourselves safe, first and foremost! 🙏
I think regarding the "rules" if your mum lives alone she can "bubble" with one other household which can include overnight stays.
I think this has been put in place so that people living alone are less lonely but are only exposed to the people within one bubbling household to reduce the risk of being in contact with multiple people of multiple households.
I'm pretty sure that those are the rules but I'm happy to be corrected.
Visits outside are slightly different I think and she can meet up with more people.
It's complex because as someone says if your mother suffers with dementia then the stimulation of visitors may possibly outweigh the risk of her being isolated. It's a difficult judgement call.
This sounds quite stressful for you! Can you message some of the people who are visiting at all to say to be extra careful around mum? To take sanitizer etc and to make sure they are well before visiting , make sure they wash hands, wipe down after themselves in the bathroom etc?
People with dementia are struggling with the concept of lockdown for obvious reasons. How old is your mother and does she live alone? If you don’t mind me asking?
My mum is 54 and yes lives alone she’s in her early stages of the disease so Dosent have that kind of support my auntie looks after her in other ways cleaning and so forth she’s not accepted any other support as she finds it’s very targeted at old pensioners and she’s not that old
No she’s not old at all. Poor her! Well I suppose if your mother and her visitors are all aware of the situation and have decided it’s okay. There is nothing that can be done but you need to stay away as you don’t want any complications. I think I’d go back to face timing her if it were me. Some people have your view and some your mums it puts you in a tricky situation x
I have to agree with other replies, you can't control your mum having visitors but you can control your own exposure.
I would stick to my guns and explain that you will not be visiting her until you feel it is safe which may be awhile yet.
Your mum most probably can't be reasoned with due to the VD so be kind but firm in telling her you are worried that she is putting herself at risk but when you have said that leave it.
To be honest the way the government are being iffy with the rules I think it is not surprising that more people are not confused.
I don't think these are 'rules' so much as guidelines. I understand your concern about your mother though mental health is very important too. If you can get her to understand basic safety guidelines she can still have company but more safely.
Is she at high risk coz of vascular dementia? I thought this was for those with severe heart or lung related problems and diabetics?
The latest government guidelines are that you "can" have people from another bubble into your bubble etc. They do not say you "must", care for yourself first, your Mum may need more contact because of her condition, little or no face to face contact, may, for her just be unbearable, and mental health is important in these times.
Don’t really understand the quotations of ‘must’me saying I had to put myself first was because I’ve been in contact with my mum from day 1 of lockdown keeping her company with endless FaceTimes and messaging and because I became ill she slipped out of it and had no where to turn these messages were important to her because she didn’t need anyone else not even another bubble just the people what helped her clean up but cause I couldn’t keep up she has resulted in inviting people over which wouldn’t have happened that’s what I meant by I had to put myself first as I’ve been putting my mums needs first as she lives alone I knew she wouldn’t cope x
The must applied to must having people into your bubble, or you going into someone else's bubble. (your Mum), there is nothing saying anyone must go out. You have to put yourself and your family first. Does your local council have anyone who could visit your Mum regularly, mine has a phone number, I found on their web site, where I could contact if I needed support, either for me as a full shielder, or if I was a concerned carer who could not offer all that was needed. They would know what voluntary services were available in your Mum's area.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation but there isn't much you can do apart from reiterating that what she's doing isn't safe but you can do no more than that. I understand how lonely she must feel but with Vascular Dementia as well that's very difficult and hard for you as well. I know you'd love to reach out to your mum but in your situation you cannot see her. I fully understand that you didn't speak to her much when you had sickness and I hope that's much better now.
All you can do is listen to her and be there for her but you cannot afford to risk seeing her. Have you spoken to any care people or even her doctor?
Please take care and you have to think of yourself and your family, they need to be put first.
Alicia xx
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