I wonder if anyone would be willing to talk
I am have had a huge argument with my Mother as I can no longer cope with her constant complaints and worries
I have told her I have no one in UK but she gets hysterical
Coping with loneliness and being trea... - Positive Wellbein...
Positive Wellbeing During Self-Isolation
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Coping with loneliness and being treated as a door mat
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Roukaya
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Hello Roukaya, I moved in with my daughter on the 24th March. It has not always been easy, I get moaned at a lot, I don’t argue with her though. Although I don’t really know what advice I can give you, but I feel to argue gets us no where. I feel I am often in the wrong, but I get myself a cuppa. Unfortunately when I was younger I had red hair, which meant I had the temper that went with it!! Now I have beautiful silver white hair, my temper has calmed. I wish you well, try to stay calm, and I shall be thinking of you. Xx
Janet
Good morning
I hope you are well
I am struggling to resit exams and find a years work experience and when she puts her worries on me I find I cannot cope
It is complicated because I cared for my Father and also managed his business
I am fifty unmarried and unemployed and I realise I failed my Diploma because of taking on her worries since my Father died
I find dealing with her and how she treats her friends compared to how she treats me very different
I think I should learn to realise as I have failed the exams over three years as I am fifty I need to try to pass in September and January realise I struggle mentally
Morning Roukaya. I just joined this group and read your message. I can identify.
My first thought. Boy..where to begin. But then I thought I'd share what helps me the most still to this day.
I normally see a Counselor biweekly. With the Pandemic, I talk to her over the phone instead of in person.
What people don't realize is that you don't have to have a Diagnosis inorder to have a Counselor. With the Pandemic, more and more Doctors' visits are over the computer or phone and many places will work on a sliding fee scale.
My Counselor offers me what I can't get from my family nor from my friends..... experience, education, and unbiased honesty. She's also empowered me to take care of myself 1st...which sounds exactly like what you are trying to do. It's ok to say 'no' .
I dropped everything to help take care of my very sick dad and my mom who has Dementia back in Oct 2015. My dad passed Feb 2016 at a good age of 90. It didn't stop when my Dad passed though.
Unfortunately, it took my Lymphoma Diagnosis and a week's stay in our Cancer Hospital before I learned that it's ok to say no and to set boundaries or limits on other people. Perhaps helping your mom find a support group or Counselor for herself will be mutually beneficial. Your mom will get the Support she needs and it will take a lot of the Responsibility (and probably guilt) off of you. This will allow yourself more time to focus on yourself and your studies.
I still help my brother with my Mom but not daily. I aim for every Sunday but my health usually only allows for every other Sunday. Now when I see my Mom, I look forward to our visits and I enjoy our time together.
I'm grateful for online sites like this and for my family and friends, but I am so much healthier physically and mentally than I was before getting my Counselor. I feel that one can never have too much support. Besidez..Parent/Child relationships are complicated.
Thank you for your reply
I live in a different country away from my Mother and I think mentally I realise her worries are tipping me over the edge
She has friends and a few relatives she can rely on instead of putting it all on me
in reply to Maori
It's a really sensible response in your situation Maori. It's actually even harder when living under the same roof to maintain calm relations. Fortunately age often teaches us the wisdom to cope with what can become an explosive situation, very quickly. I think that the ones we love and who actually love us most, feel they can let themselves go and say anything, without considering that it's still deeply wounding. 🙏
Roukaya in reply to
I wonder if you have anything to say concerning the post I put
I usually hear a response from you
Hi Roukaya,
All I can say is 'this too will pass'. You know that your mother is an ongoing flashpoint in your life and mother/daughter relationships can be very volatile, whether you are in the same room or not. Only this week my daughter fell out with my granddaughter. They are both fiery people and they aren't currently speaking to each other.
But experience teaches us that the storm will pass. They both know that, underpinning it all is a family relationship that won't be broken and they will speak again and patch things up.
So in your situation I wouldn't let it spoil, your day, your week, or however long it takes for you to patch things up. It's up to you whether you decide to hold on to the resentments of past arguments, but, as has been demonstrated in the past, you both need each other to an extent and you will start to reach out to each other again eventually. Meantime, don't waste a period of your life in resentment. Try to put it down and get on with your life. Take care and please do try to enjoy your day. Are you able to go out for a while? A good walk and looking at nature is often a good way to help put problems down. 🙏
Roukaya in reply to
Good morning
Thank you for answering my post
I have seen how she treats her friends and values them above me
If I say anything wrong it is her temper but never when her friends take advantage does she answer them
It is the dual standards and realising that I have to take responsibility for my own life and realise when she had that man in her life she put him first
When it ended due to his abuse she came back now needing my help as he may be building a case against her
I dealt with my Father in my forties and I am not prepared to do the same for her as she takes me for granted
I expect it is the strain of the new tenant and her settling in
You say this too shall pass but I think I cannot bear the way she is towards her friends and how she can put me down because she knows I can
Hi Roukaya.
I was wondering where you were, and if you'd left us, Glad you are still here.
Your mother is really playing on your feelings. I think your best course of action is to stop talking when she gets hysterical, as what I see is a ploy for attention. Tell her you know what she is doing and you will only talk if she stops the emotional blackmail. You need to get tough.
I know It's hard to do, but you must stop her trying to control you from so far away, because she is stopping you getting your qualification, and its very unfair of her to do this. I know you are a capable woman, you have shown it by managing your father's business before he died.
Now it is time for you to blossom, and you cannot do it with your mother hanging around your neck all the time. You need your qualification and you need that placement,urgently.
I hope your tenant is settling in and giving you less problems.
Cheers, Midori
Veteran250 in reply to
Roukaya...... I believe right from the very start of you posting on the Wellbeing community, you have been dominated by your mum, and her problems.
At 50 years of age, you should stop answering the phone calls from your mum, tell her you have your own problems to sort out..... you keep saying you have exams to pass, and you want some work expirience, but you have problems with lonelyness... I’m no medical expert, but I think what you need is some ME time, find a club to join so you can interact with people, get out of the house as much as possible.... sit on one end of a park seat, and if someone sits on the seat too, start chatting to them, any reason to interact with people!
Have a nice Sunday, get out there and chat, but take care and stay safe!
😀👍🌹😘🌈
Thank you for your reply
I note you have said I keep saying I have exams to pass which is true
Thank you for listening
Thank you for your reply
MidoriVisually impaired
I'm fine thanks, but getting very irritated by this lockdown. I have been told to stay in until mid August, and I'll be climbing the walls and foaming at the mouth by then! 
The house will soon be finished with the furnishing side, but I hope to have the kitchen remodelled, bathroom turned into a wetroom, and a small conservatory off the kitchen. Then next year I can concentrate on the garden.
Cheers, Midori
Roukaya, I thought you had resolved to focus on your studies?
By focusing on your mother's demands and foibles instead of concentrating on realising your ambition(s), you are falling at the first hurdle.
My mother lives with us.
She has done for the past ten years.
It's not always straightforward.
But we make it work.
You can, too.
Here is your POA (again).
Imagine the following being propositions in a flow chart: I've sequenced the process logically.
Start by telling yourself (and believing) you're not a victim.
Then...
If you have a landline, take the phone off the hook.
If you usually receive calls from her on your mobile, don't answer the phone.
Once you've done that a few times, she'll phone less often.
She might be infuriated for a while, but the penny will eventually drop.
Because you'll speak with her less often, you'll have the time, energy and inclination to focus on other things in your life (studies, work placement, job, hobbies, friendships, romantic relationship(s)?)
Because you'll have all these other delicious things in your life, your interaction with your mother will stop affecting you so much.
Because you won't be affected so much by your interaction with your mother, the interaction that you do have with her will be less fraught with tension.
Because the tension will dissipate, you might actually start to look forward to hearing from her.
I know that seems improbable to you now, but that's because you're overwhelmed by her.
Time for you to do what you know you need to do.
So many of us here have been supporting you in so many ways.
We've explained to you precisely how you can resolve this.
We can't do it for you. We can guide, we can advise; we can't do.
Time for you to modify your response to her provocation.
You're not a victim.
You know what you need to do.
Now do it.
Great advice!
I just hope it's heeded this time, Ali!
As the saying goes if someone’s treating you like a doormat get up of the floor!
Good evening
I hope you are well
Thank you for your advice
I think after failing the Diploma over three years has made me realise something is very wrong
I appreciate that despite your pain you still have the time to answer me
Good morning
I hype you are well
I thank you for being kind enough to put in a framework for which I should work within
I appreciate your suggestion despite your on going health issues
I have always been a independent person but turning the mindset from a victim mentality to an empowered mentality is integral to moving on
Roukaya there is a saying that we teach people how to treat us and if you feel you are being treated like a door mat then maybe you are allowing this to happen this is something to think about with your relationship with your mother.
I hope you are okay and have had a good day.
SORRELHIPPOReading Rabbits
My solution to this problem, many years ago, will seem very selfish to many, I just stopped speaking to my Mother. The manipulation had got beyond a joke, and when she suggested I give up work and move to another country to look after her (which she did not need). I just stopped keeping in touch. When she telephoned, I was polite but the minute she started playing games, I would hang up. For my own sanity I had to set boundaries.
Good for you. I’d do the same.
Thankyou
Good evening
Thank you for your reply
I would like to ask if possible what were you when you cut off contact
I am her only child I cannot cut off contact but I can try to reduce contact
I also I think an emotionally needy person so I should become more independent
Thank you for your reply
I was an only child, and my father had died. My Mother actually coped better, when she did not have me, but made use of friends and volunteers. Had better care, because she had to accept this, rather than expecting me to cope with her and a job. Also could moan about how marvellous they were and how dreadful I was. I did not mind, as I could live my life. Parents who have children, merely to be a slave, when they get older are, to my mind, wrong, parents get cared for by children who have learnt to love their parents not fear them. We reap what we sow.
Good morning
I hope you are well
I am beginning to realise that we must learn to protect our selves
I find the world we live in is a harsh world and having parents who have put themselves first makes us realise just how tough this world can be
I agree we can only care for someone if they have cared for us in the first place
I'm so sorry you are still having problems with your mum Roykaya. I have a mother in law who said to her daughter that you don't know what it's like on your own (my mother in law has been on her own for 7.5 years now), my sister in law has been on her own for 22 years.
Just letting you know that you are not alone, I know it doesn't make it any easier but all I can say is I'm thinking of you as I know how difficult it can be.
Please look after yourself as you are important.
Take care
Alicia
bobbybobbAmbassador
Hi Roukaya, have you ever heard that saying, You can cry an ocean. Well for example, when we are upset we might have a little cry over something. Maybe on occasion that small cry might turn into uncontrollable crying. What happens is, we are not crying for the small event that has just occurred and upset us, we cry for everything that has ever upset us in our lives and that's why we cry an ocean. Why I have mentioned it, is because it reminds me of the relationship and the stress you feel with your mum. You seem to manage the stress she put's upon you very well for periods of time but then, there is a trigger where, all the stress your mum has ever caused you in your life comes flooding back. Then you are at this stage where you feel you cannot cope. So, if you think about your mum's triggers for you, if you think what they are, when you are in conversation with her, divert her away from these trigger points you know will have a major effect on you. We all may have family members that cause us stress but we cannot allow them to stop us reaching our goals and having a serious effect on our mood. We need to create safety mechanisms, this is what you need to look at, I think. 🌸😊🌸
I think you are very right
My Mother all her properties are empty and the man she was involved with may be building a case against her
When I talk to her what I say is taken for granted but if the same advice is given by others she values it
Also the man she was involved with made advances to me and she took him back and she targeted me with rage
Now is is become fearful he may take her to Court
I told her last night you need legal Advice
She got angry
I told her this morning you get angry
She got cross and I got cross
I realise since my Father has gone I am trying again to study again but when she tells me of her worries it makes me feel worse
I think I am sad that her properties are empty and she condemns me for telling her of the settling problems I have with the new tenant
It is my anxiety concerning the new tenant and then listening to my Mothers worries which make me very agitated and stressed
Now she is angry with me but I will only talk to her briefly
MD, I am OK, thank you... taking things slow, being kinder to myself.
The pain is proving stubborn, but I am seeking (and sometimes finding !) ways to stay one step ahead.
Except in the mornings.
My mornings are hard. Dragging this uncooperative body out of bed is impossible!
Productivity is a thing of the past!
But thank you for asking.
I'm hoping you are as well as you can be...
Its very difficult indeed but its still your mother,the woman who brought you into the world.
i had many ups and downs with my mum,and we did have some arguments big time,which we always resolved,and my goodness i wish she was still here.
My mum was controlling and would try to change my mind on many things,but mostly i did things my way,and now the void of her no longer being here fills me with sadness,and with all her faults she was my mum,and i will forever be indebted to the way she raised me,in a household where money was always short,and the struggle was real,she taught me good manners and right from wrong,and we never went hungry.
i also will acknowledge that i have many faults and sometimes difficult to get on with and I made many mistakes,non of us are perfect,we are but human with human frailties.
i hope you can find a good compromise when dealing with your mother.
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