Lock Down is a testing time for all of us .
Each of us being tested and impacted in a way like never before.
In this case , looking to how well we can develop our own internal coping mechanisms in order to strengthen our resolve
I am slowly realising that it can be hard to cope if their is predisposed mental anxiety issues and an elderly Mother who projects her own anxieties on to some one who already is trying to cope
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I know it’s hard try to keep your chin up I don’t have any body to look after I know about anxiety and depression I am struggling my self with Isolation I’ve gone from having two jobs doing nothing . Try to do Positive thoughts I’m trying that now and I’ve turned off the news a little bit more
Thank you for being kind enough to answer
It is very hard from having two jobs to none
I think anxiety and depression are hard to come to terms with
I also realise that I only have an elderly Mother who is also a Narcissistic Mother
It is this which makes me realise that it does not matters who offends me , hey friendship is more important
I wonder if after Lock Down you will be able to resume work
Life will be the same as I will be trying to sit for the exams and find a years work experience
I sure we will be able to come here and be friends I only just found this I have Suffered myself with andAnxiety and depression being in lockdown as made worse I can’t.go out for another 8 weeks my friends don’t care are are not really there and brother said some very unkind words the other day to me so understand but you seemed to doing a great job in These bad times were having do keep up the good work
Anxiety and depression may be clinical if their is low balance of the Happy hormone called Serotonin or it would be the fact we have been subjected to traumatic experiences and this is why some of us will find it harder to cope
I think in own case I realise that even if Lock Down ends my life will be very much the same unless I pass the exams and find a years work experience
I think also my little diversions have been put on hold and thus is why it is harder to cope with the impact of Lock Down
If your Brother said unkind words try not to let this impact on you
I visited my Mothers country last year and I spent three months there
My Mother quite nice and supportive
I even stayed in a home by the sea
I am unable to do this due to Lock Down
But my two Aunts treated me very badly
It has been so bad that I ask God in my prayers how can this Aunt be such a sadist
I told this to my Mother who at times can be understanding
Try not to let the insults of your Brother impact on you
Morning Roukaya, people with no previous history of anxiety or mental health or depression are finding these health problems emerging due to the lockdown. So people with predisposing anxiety or depression are going to find it even harder to cope with. You cope really well with your anxiety I know some days from your Post's that you might have a bit of a shaky day but on the whole you are doing great. You must remember at this time your mum's anxieties are going to be inflated out of proportion due to the lockdown. You identify your problems which is the first steps in solving them. I think you are doing a great job. 😊😊
Good morning
I hope you are safe and well
Thank you for answering my post
I think I have learned to realise that my Mother has a tendency to put her self interests first and when this is brought up she is displeased
I know that I have struggled to cope and I have let my personal issues overwhelm me and this has been a contributory factor towards me failing the exams
I expect I realise I must learn to manage my emotions in focusing on my studies and finding a years work experience placement otherwise nothing will ever change
I hope you are ok and how will you spend your day ?
You will get to where you want to be, remain focused and keep believing in yourself. Today, I am clearing out the spare room, that will probably keep me busy all day. I've been putting it off, but I need to just get stuck in and get it done and today is the day. I hope you have a productive and very pleasant day.😊😊
Good morning
I hope you are able to declutter the spare room. Once completed you will feel a great sense of accomplishment.
Thank you again for your kind words of understanding
I think what is making matters worse is that I usually go overseas and spend
Ramadan overseas near my Mother
Or if I spend Ramadan in UK I sometimes go to Turkey and spend a week in Hisaranou and visit Ole Deniz
I truly love Turkey and last year I spent two weeks in Turkey with my Mother
Such an incredible time
But I should be pleased that I have been able to go
I think the USA has been hugely impacted and to see people being dependent on food parcels is very hard to see
Can I just say only come on yesterday read some of your posts they have me a little happy already my anxiety is worse at night and they’ve been helping me a little bit by reading them thank you good to know there are other people out to talk to😀
We are all here to help and support one another, sometimes there are people on through the night so if your anxiety is bad then, you should check the site to see if anyone is about. The main thing to take on board is that you are not alone in this. Also welcome to the site and join in when you can. 😊😊
Hi Roukaya,
Things that affect our everyday life deeply are the real challenges to overcome, because the same thought can come back to haunt us, over and over again. The trick is to acknowledge that the thought is there, but then to put it down, quite deliberately. Often you have to do that hundreds of times in one day, but if you refuse to dwell in that unhappy thought, it can do you less damage. I guess the same is true of an annoying person; in this case your mother. Deal with her problem as best you can when it arises, and then set her down. Don't let her accompany you in thoughts throughout the day. Deal only with each issue as it arises, then mentally usher her into another imaginary room and move your thoughts on to something else. I think you are coping wonderfully well in really trying circumstances, so I hope that you don't feel your anxiety is getting the better of you. Take care and I hope you enjoy your day. 🙏
Good morning
I hope you are safe and well
Thank you for your well detailed reply
Further to your advice, it is very much the same as what is recommended in CBT
I agree and I realise that the only one who can help me is me
I think I should try to control the overwhelming anxiety and put it in a grey cloud and let it go
I think trying to concentrate the mind and with self discipline is a skill I will need to work on
As you say in your post , it is with the stillness of a mind that we can see the actual matter crystal clear
I realise it will be Ramadan as from Friday and I usually spend it overseas with my Mother or if I observe it in UK I normally visit Turkey again one of my favourite places
I could cope with loneliness and being unemployed as I had distractions and diversions but given the constraints of the Lock Down our wings have been clipped
I thank you again for listening and let’s hope one day there will be a ray of sunshine and hope for us all
I hope you are well
How are you
I think we have an awareness of the answers that really lie within our reach
I have always been very close to my Mother snd I still listen and support her
But I also realise that at times she can put her own needs and wants above mine and in the case of relatives who have hurled insults and humiliated me , she can continue to talk to them
I realise if I had a daughter I would never allow anyone to insult or humiliate her
This morning I explained you may be friends with someone who had clearly offended me but you should listen to how hurtful and damaging their words have been too me
I think as I see so many losing their lives and fighting for their lives I can see how important it is to be respectful and kind to ourselves
Thank you for having the time to listen
I hope you do not get tired of my posts
They are posted simply because of loneliness and isolation
How will you be spending your day ?
Afternoon, Roukaya.
It seems to me, having read many of your posts, that you crave solutions to issues that are ultimately within your control, but which your anxiety and depression prevent you from implementing successfully.
I’m not alluding to the restrictions imposed by this lockdown; that brings with it its own set of impossibilities and is weighing heavily upon all of us.
What I’m referring to are the restrictions that you feel bind you, but which – in reality – I believe you could overcome once and for all if you allowed yourself to do so.
Let me explain. In practical terms.
Take your elderly mother’s rage and imposition: you have the advantage of being geographically distant, yet virtually connected across the miles. I understand you speak with her every day and that is only right and dutiful and demonstrates your mutual affection and support. Buy yourself a new diary. An appealing one. Next time you’ve finished your conversation for the day, try putting the phone down and placing a special tick mark against the date in question in this diary in a different colour ink – I suggest using a red biro – to the one you would normally use. Try adding, after that tick mark, a brief description of how you felt during the conversation. Just one sentence will do.
The tick mark is your symbol, dedicated to your mother, indicating to you that you are done with her (and her anxieties and worries) for the day. In your mind, this tick mark represents a refusal to allow your mother to encroach or impinge upon the rest of your day.
Also – try speaking with her fairly early in the day (GMT/BST); this will leave the rest of your day clear for YOU.
Step 2: In the same diary, write AHEAD OF TIME exactly which module/section of your coursework you are going to tackle on any given day and once you’ve covered it, CROSS IT OUT. How satisfying is that?! Because you’ve missed out on getting that qualification you’ve been after only by a very slight margin, much of the material will be very familiar to you. Focusing on the bits you’ve not covered yet will be less difficult than if you were tackling it all for the first time.
Give yourself just ONE day off in the week – no talking yourself out of studying! But make it realistic; far better to aim to tackle a very small portion of work on a daily basis (maybe an hour and a half max?) and actually accomplish it each time than to try to take in huge chunks of information sporadically and irregularly. And, yes: this study aim has its own colour ink – green? Again, try to do this soon after you’ve spoken with your mother (and put a line under that activity), so that both activities that may seem like chores are done by the early to mid-afternoon.
Then the rest of your day is yours to do as you please. Exercise, cook, bake, read, pray, eat!, dance (yes, really!), speak with friends online, via Zoom (or similar) or on the phone, research areas of interest online that you’ve always put off because you didn’t have the time, paint, sketch, declutter... Basically, carve a new life for yourself on the basis of a mindset that has more structure (that diary is very important) and thus more control.
The lockdown won’t last forever: once it’s behind you, try joining a Meetup group in your area (meetup.com/). It will change your life if you let it.
Ultimately, it’s all about your sense of control. You can take the small but powerful steps to address and reverse your anxiety and depression starting TODAY. Or you can continue along the path of what is – sadly – self-sabotage and miss out on the future that you say you want.
A hard(er) question now: Do you actually want that wills & probate qualification? It seems to me that it could well be that, at a subconscious level, you fail to qualify each time you take the exam because constantly striving to achieve it represents a comfort zone that you are reluctant to leave. Remember the old adage: “it is better to travel than to arrive”. Look deep within you and ask yourself if this applies to your situation.
Also remember that there’s no shame in setting yourself a completely different goal if you have outgrown one that used to be valid but which is now less relevant to you than before. You’ve nothing to prove to anyone else. Unless you convince yourself that you do.
I can see that you are deeply reflective and in possession of above-average intelligence; I can also discern that, over and above your craving for solutions to the issues surrounding your demanding but supportive mother, your scornful relatives, your failed relationships and your attempts to meet with success in your studies, you also consistently crave attention and validation. No shame in that at all; it’s just important, I think, to acknowledge that (possibly subconscious) craving, which I believe to be born of isolation and loneliness and exacerbated by having been sidelined and rejected for far too long. No wonder you suffer from anxiety and live with depression. You deserve better.
Lots to think about: I hope you will take this constructive criticism in the spirit in which it is offered and start to proactively implement the small, practical and positive change/s you need rather than simply reflect upon them passively.
Dear Driven Snow
I hope you are safe and well.
I would like to thank you for your detailed and empathetic reply.
I thank you for being kind enough to listen and offer me practical support.
I appreciate your kind words and structural guidance in shaping my day.
I really would like to do Wills and Probate but as I have said earlier I have let my personal worries of my parents overwhelm me in prioritising the studies.
But I also speak to a Psychotherapist on a regular basis who has made me understand that I have been the vocal mouthpiece of my parents to the detriment of my own voice.
Thus is why I did not give enough focus to the exam preparation.
I think to be honest I ran a property portfolio business that was dysfunctional and the onus was on me to stabilise the business before it could be sold.
I think in retrospect this took a great deal out of me and this will explain why I struggle to cope under pressure.
Secondly, I as you say I crave validation.
I think a sense of being my own person and independence is really what I am seeking
In other words instead of being the voice of my parents, it is for me to be my own voice.
I appreciate your kind words of advice rooted in well meaning.
I also fundamentally believe that what I am trying to do is within reach as long as I try.
As for my comfort zone, I think I am ready to stop being a couch potato 🥔.
I wish you all the best
Stay Safe and Well
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