I think my wife is suffering with PND but I'm w... - PNI ORG UK

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I think my wife is suffering with PND but I'm worried that i don't know how to help.

Russell132 profile image
4 Replies

My wife had our baby girl just over a year ago. She has always had feelings of depression before our child but over the last 6-9 months its got a lot worse. We have had a stressful year for sure. We have moved house 2 times and moved to the other end of the country to be near her parents. She started to get irritable and find things to fight about. She doesn't want to go out if she can avoid it. Her family help out where they can but when they cant help it hits her really hard and i know she thinks that she is stuck in the house. She cant drive and doesn't do secular work so feels trapped.

It took me a long time to come to the realization that she suffers with PND. After a lot of denying that there was anything wrong she finally "snapped" and had a really bad anxiety attack and withdrew in on herself so much that i had to take half days to help look after the baby.We spoke a lot about going to the doctors. She spoke to her mum and agreed to go to the doctors. She had her appointment in July(ish) and they prescribed her medication. It took a long time to start helping and it defiantly is helping even though she cant see it herself.

I'm really worried that the doctors haven't done anything else other then give her pills. As i cant be there for her appointments ive got no idea whats said between the doctor and my wife so I don't know if she is expressing her self to them as much as she does to me. Her family I think are getting frustrated because it appears that she doesn't want to try to help herself. As a man I will never know what it feels like to have PND so i really struggle to understand her even though ive had depression myself in the past.

Could she be doing more for herself? IE making her self go for walks and joining baby groups etc or is it a case that, as she says, she cant do these things?

She is a fantastic Mum and i try to tell her that as often as possible but sometimes I worry a bit that when i'm not there (I work full time 50+ Hours a week) that the baby doesnt get as much attention as she needs. It seems no matter how tactful I feel im being im always in the wrong when im concerned that the baby isn't getting her nappy changed often enough for example.

I'm sorry that ive rambled on a bit but i'm feeling a bit helpless at the moment and really don't know what I can do to support her and help her on her road to recovery. Any advice on how to communicate to her in a way that wont put her on the defensive will be very much appreciated.

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Russell132
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4 Replies
pink-rose87 profile image
pink-rose87

Hello.

First of all you have not rambled, i guess it helped? I am a first time mum and was not fully prepared for what was about to hit me. I gave birth to our little girl in May. When she was born they handed her to me and i froze. From that day i struggled. My husband noticed signs but didn't speak up. I would snap. Get frustrated when she cried. Then when she was 3 1/2 months old my mum came over for lunch. My husband came home for lunch too. He said something to me and i snapped and walked out and ended up sitting in a field in the rain for 4 hours. I realised that even though i had my mum and sisters round me i felt alone, and that was the worst feeling. Thats when i went to the doctors. I am on tablets now and they have helped more than i could imagine.

You should not blame yourself. My advice is..to be there for her and listen. Me and my partner have just moved and its closer to his family where before we were down road from my mum. The KEY thing os for her to be around people. Sounds weird i know but everyday i help my mother in law with the school run of my 2 little sister in laws. Its little things like that which helps. But your and her family should not take over.. Be more of a back bone so if she has a wobble they can support her.

You are not in the wrong. PND is a very weird thing for women to go through. And sadly can appear at anytime in the first year of a child's life. If you are worried aboyt whether little one is being changed etc you may want to discuss it but maybe in a subtle way.

The good thing about what is happening is the signs were noticed and she herself opted to go to doctors because that is the first step to recovery.

Also. Don't feel like you are alone. You need to talk about how you feel. Maybe with a friend or family member? You are doing the right thing with letting her know she is a great mum. Maybe a little getaway for you all?

Look after yourself and your family.

Russell132 profile image
Russell132 in reply to pink-rose87

Thank you for taking the time to reply :)

The backbone bit is really interesting because I hadn't thought about that before. Its good to know that by just being there I can help. As a man i always want to be fixing the problems but if i can view just being there as fixing it might help a lot.

our anniversary is coming up so a short holiday away is in order!

rocky77 profile image
rocky77

Hello

Pni is an incredibly cruel and nasty illness which can rob a woman of her confidence and ability to rationalize and even understand how she is feeling.

It's great that Meds are working. Other therapies that can be offered are counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy. They can be really good to offload feelings and find tools to help yourself and really boost recovery.

Would ur wife give consent for u to talk to the dr about her. It would be useful for yu to be kept in the loop. Could you talk about this?

Getting out and about is really good however, when ur so low going to a mother and toddler group can be overwhelming and feel impossible. Perhaps you could go with her once then she has that support for that first nerve wracking experience.

You are a wonderful kind and supportive husband. That really makes a huge difference.

Dorcus profile image
Dorcus

Hi there

You are caught between a rock and a hard place. This sounds more like clinical depression to me. All you can do is comment on any small thing she does. It's hard but let her know she may feel alone at the moment but your priority is her and her health. Cbt is a good idea. If you can't get to the doctors with her, write a letter to the doctor and explain how you feel, and the impact on your relationship , how she is not coping well and you are deeply worried about her. This may help the doctor get a different perspective and open up the problem a bit. You are doing great. Keep posting and let us know how you get on.

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